


Communication Breakdown

by severaance



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Agoraphobia, Autistic Character, Autistic Reid, Disabled Character, Disabled Morgan, Fluff, M/M, Online Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 15:02:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 36,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7719406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/severaance/pseuds/severaance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Nothing good ever comes from hiding in the shadows."</p><p>What happens when an autistic agoraphobe crosses paths with a bubbly, extroverted amputee? Hilarity, heartbreak, and romance ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is in a pretty experimental style that ive never really tried before, but i thought it fit well with the theme. it's incredibly fluffy and sweet, with little to no angst. i hope you guys enjoy, feedback is greatly appreciated!
> 
> inspired by this: http://reidvez.tumblr.com/post/148318557725/humansofnewyork-we-met-on-a-dating-site

**OKCUPID.COM/USERS/SPENCERREIDING/INBOX  
  
**

**February 3rd  
  
**

> 9:13 AM  
>  SpencerReidingliked DC-Derek’s photo.  
>  SpencerReidingliked DC-Derek’s photo  
>  SpencerReidingliked DC-Derek’s photo
> 
> 12:27 PM  
>  **DC-Derek likes you back! Send them a message!  
>    
>  **
> 
> 1:09 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: [DRAFT] Hi.  
>  SpencerReiding: [DRAFT] Hey.  
>  SpencerReiding: [DRAFT] God have my children
> 
> 2:58 PM  
>  DC-Derek: Hey you
> 
> 3:12 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: Oh, wow. Hi.
> 
> 3:14 PM  
>  DC-Derek: ‘Wow’? Haha
> 
> 3:19 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: I’m just surprised you messaged me.
> 
> 3:20 PM  
>  DC-Derek: How come? Youre cute
> 
> 3:24 PM  
>  DC-Derek: And you liked lots of my pics so I figured you were interested :p
> 
> 3:26 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: Well, I am.
> 
> 3:27 PM  
>  DC-Derek: Good, cos this would be awkward if I was the only one ;)
> 
> 3:31 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: Really?
> 
> 3:32 PM  
>  DC-Derek: Duh lol
> 
> 3:40 PM  
>  DC-Derek: So since weve established Im into you and youre into me then can I be upfront about somethin
> 
> 3:44 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: Sure, what is it?
> 
> 3:50 PM  
>  DC-Derek: Im an amputee  
>  DC-Derek: I lost my left leg when I was twenty  
>  DC-Derek: So I thought Id tell you since it's not really something I can hide  
>    
>  3:53 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: Why? Is your prosthetic bright orange?  
>    
>  3:57 PM  
>  DC-Derek: Lol no but thats a good one  
>    
>  3:58 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: I try.  
>    
>  4:01 PM  
>  DC-Derek: So…  
>    
>  4:02 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: So?  
>    
>  4:04 PM  
>  DC-Derek: Are you gonna ask how?  
>    
>  4:06 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: It's not my business.  
>  SpencerReiding: If you'd like to share, you may, but it doesn't matter either way.  
>     
>  4:10 PM  
>  DC-Derek: Thanks kid. Means a lot  
>  DC-Derek: I joined here since a lot of guys get freaked out when they see me. Or get a little too interested if you catch my drift  
>    
>  4:11 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: I’m sorry to hear that.  
>    
>  4:12 PM  
>  DC-Derek: Its cool they dont deserve my lovin anyways :p  
>  DC-Derek: Now you on the other hand.. ;)  
>    
>  4:15 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: Me?  
>     
>  4:16 PM  
>  DC-Derek: No the guy standin behind you  
>  DC-Derek: Yes you lol  
>    
>  4:17 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: Right, sorry.  
>  SpencerReiding: Can I be honest too?  
>     
>  4:18 PM  
>  DC-Derek: Its only fair  
>     
>  4:20 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: I have Aspergers.  
>  SpencerReiding: You're kind of the only person on here I've had a substantial conversation with thus far - most likely because of that fact.  
>     
>  4:23 PM  
>  DC-Derek: Oh thats cool  
>  DC-Derek: My best friend is on the spectrum ^-^  
>    
>  4:25 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: That makes me happy to hear.  
>    
>  4:26 PM  
>  DC-Derek: Yeah shes great  
>  DC-Derek: Hey can I give you my number I gotta get off this computer and I dont got the app  
>    
>  4:28 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: Yes, you may.  
>     
>  4:28 PM  
>  DC-Derek: 2025559869  
>  DC-Derek: Hit me up ok?  
>     
>  4:29 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: Okay.

**CELLULAR: 2027871214  
  
**

> 4:33 PM  
>  Me: Hello.
> 
> 4:34 PM  
>  2025559869: Hey Im assuming this is Spencer? Lol
> 
> 4:35 PM  
>  Me: That's correct.
> 
> 4:36 PM  
>  2025559869: Happy to hear that :p  
>    
>  4:38 PM  
>  2025559869: And to see that even textin you still type like a little nerd haha  
>    
>  4:41 PM  
>  Me: I’m sorry.  
>    
>  4:42 PM  
>  2025559869: Oh dontt be sorry Im just kiddin  
>    
>  4:44 PM  
>  Me: Oh. Right.  
>    
>  4:46 PM  
>  2025559869: I think its cute how you type  
>  2025559869: Just like the rest of you ;p  
>    
>  4:48 PM  
>  Me: “Cute”?
> 
>  4:49 PM  
>  2025559869: Yeah pretty boy cute  
>  2025559869: And funny. I seen the little jokes on your profile. They made me lol  
>    
>  4:51 PM  
>  Me: That's a new one.  
>    
>  4:52 PM  
>  2025559869: Aw people dont get your humor?  
>    
>  4:54 PM  
>  Me: Not usually, no.  
>    
>  4:55 PM  
>  2025559869: Theyre daft anyways and dont deserve YOUR lovin  
>    
>  5:01 PM  
>  Me: You do.  
>    
>  5:02 PM  
>  2025559869: Oh yeah?  
>  2025559869: Flirty McFliterson over here gettin down to it  
>    
>  5:05 PM  
>  Me: I was just trying to be genuine.
> 
> 5:06 PM  
>  2025559869: Good I like your honesty  
>  2025559869: And your everything. Youre super smart too on top of everything but Im sure thats one you hear a lot  
>    
>  5:08 PM  
>  Me: Yes, but not really in a positive way.  
>  Me: It puts some people off.
> 
> 5:10 PM  
>  2025559869: Not me  
>  2025559869: Sorry to be forward but can I see another pic of you? You only have two on your profile but I can tell youre gorgeous and wanna see more  
>    
>  5:12 PM  
>  Me: Oh. Okay.  
>  Me: Give me a moment then.  
>    
>  5:12 PM  
>  2025559869: Ill be waiting patiently. Like a good boy ;p  
>    
>  5:16 PM  
>  Me: -multimedia message-  
>    
>  5:19 PM  
>  Me: [DRAFT] Is this ok  
>    
>  5:19 PM  
>  2025559869: Wow  
>  2025559869: Even cuter than the other ones. Youre damn fine  
>    
>  5:22 PM  
>  Me: I’m really not.  
>    
>  5:23 PM  
>  2025559869: You dont have to be humble. You gotta know youre sexy
> 
> 5:55 PM  
>  Me: I’m not.  
>  Me: Not like you.  
>    
>  5:57 PM  
>  2025559869: Aw baby dont flatter me to get yourself off the hook. Im not done yet  
>  2025559869: Youre super good looking Spencer  
>  2025559869: Seriously look at those model features
> 
>  6:01 PM  
>  Me: Do you mean that?  
>    
>  6:04 PM  
>  2025559869: What? Yeah I mean it
> 
> 6:05 PM  
>  Me: Thank you.  
>  Me: You're very kind.
> 
> 6:07 PM  
>  2025559869: No ones ever told you that?
> 
> 6:09 PM  
>  Me: No, not really.
> 
>  6:11 PM  
>  2025559869: You deserve it  
>  2025559869: So now I guess I gotta make up for lost time then huh ;p  
>    
>  6:13 PM  
>  Me: You're making me blush over here.
> 
> 6:14 PM  
>  2025559869: Good, bet you look cute
> 
> 6:16 PM  
>  2025559869: Hey kid I gotta take a shower and its usually a pretty long ordeal cos of my leg and all but Ill hit you back when Im out ok?  
>    
>  6:18 PM  
>  Me: Okay. Be safe. There are roughly 15,000 shower related injuries each year.

* * *

>  8:02 PM  
>  2025559869: So fresh n so clean clean  
>  2025559869: Sorry that took so long. Lots of maneuvering. Like damn yoga in the water, should be a sport  
>    
>  8:09 PM  
>  Me: Welcome back. No worries, either. I kept myself busy.  
>    
>  8:10 PM  
>  2025559869: Having fun without me? ;(  
>    
>  8:11 PM  
>  Me: Well, do you like psychics?  
>    
>  8:12 PM  
>  2025559869: No  
>  2025559869: But I like you  
>    
>  8:15 PM  
>  Me: Stop that.  
>    
>  8:16 PM  
>  2025559869: Never  
>  2025559869: So what were you doing that was psychics related lil geek boy  
>    
>  8:18 PM  
>  Me: Reading.
> 
> 8:19 PM  
>  2025559869: Ahh I get the username now
> 
> 8:20 PM  
>  Me: Well, Reid is my last name, so.. It's a play-on-words.
> 
> 8:21 PM  
>  2025559869: Witty  
>  2025559869: And cute  
>    
>  8:23 PM  
>  Me: Barely.
> 
> 8:24 PM  
>  2025559869: Shush  
>  2025559869: So did you also have fun picturing me in the shower ;p  
>    
>  8:28 PM  
>  Me: I would never do that!
> 
> 8:30 PM  
>  2025559869: Im only kidding  
>  2025559869: But you have my full permission to do so.. Lol  
>    
>  8:32 PM  
>  Me: Sorry.  
>  Me: I’m not very good with jokes.
> 
> 8:33 PM  
>  2025559869: No worries I get it  
>  2025559869: You lemme know if you ever need somethin explained ok?  
>    
>  8:34 PM  
>  Me: Okay.  
>  Me: Thank you for being understanding.
> 
> 8:35 PM  
>  2025559869: Of course. How else am I gonna get you to fall in love with me ;p
> 
> 8:37 PM  
>  Me: Well, you could always buy me books and socks.
> 
> 8:39 PM  
>  2025559869: Books and socks. Youre probably everyones reprieve at Christmas time huh
> 
> 8:40 PM  
>  Me: Usually, yes.
> 
> 8:40 PM  
>  2025559869: Lol  
>    
>  8:44 PM  
>  Me: So, Derek?
> 
> 8:45 PM  
>  2025559869: Yeah bub?
> 
> 8:47 PM
> 
> Me: I do sorta have a question.  
>    
>  8:51 PM:  
>  2025559869: Yeah ok  
>    
>  8:53 PM  
>  Me: Your profile said you're 43.
> 
> 8:55 PM  
>  2025559869: Yeah…?
> 
> 8:56 PM  
>  Me: I refuse to believe that.
> 
> 8:58 PM  
>  2025559869: Lmao why?
> 
> 8:59 PM  
>  Me: Look at you!
> 
> 9:01 PM  
>  2025559869: Who, me? ;p
> 
> 9:03 PM  
>  Me: Yes, you. You're very attractive. You don't look your age.
> 
> 9:04 PM  
>  2025559869: Aw shucks pretty boy  
>  2025559869: Guess theres a reason they say black dont crack
> 
> 9:05 PM  
>  Me: Obviously.  
>  Me: I didn't realize it had gotten this late.
> 
> 9:07 PM  
>  2025559869: This late? Dude it's 9 lmao
> 
> 9:08 PM  
>  Me: I go to bed early.
> 
> 9:09 PM  
>  2025559869: Geez I thought I was the old geyser in this relationship  
>  2025559869: You sure youre 32 and not 62? ;p  
>    
>  9:11 PM  
>  Me: Very funny.
> 
> 9:11 PM  
>  Hot Stranger: Night handsome
> 
> 9:12 PM  
>  Me: Goodnight, Derek.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short chapter, but a good one if i do say so myself. im really loving how this is coming along. let me know if y'all like it.

**February 4th**

 

> 1:26 AM  
>  Me: I can't sleep.  
>  Me: Why did I text you? You're asleep. I’m sorry.
> 
> 1:29 AM  
>  Hot Stranger: Im up now, you okay?
> 
> 1:31 AM  
>  Me: Yes.  
>  Me: No.  
>  Me: I had a nightmare.
> 
> 1:33 AM  
>  Hot Stranger: Im sorry bub  
>  Hot Stranger: You wanna talk about it?
> 
> 1:35 AM  
>  Me: I don't wanna keep you awake.
> 
> 1:36 AM  
>  Hot Stranger: Don't worry about it kid
> 
> 1:39 AM  
>  Me: Someone I care about got hurt in my dream.
> 
> 1:42 AM  
>  Hot Stranger: Those are the worst. Im sorry
> 
> 1:45 AM  
>  Me: It's fine.
> 
> 1:47 AM  
>  Me: I feel like a child.
> 
> 1:48 AM  
>  Hot Stranger: How come?
> 
> 1:50 AM  
>  Me: Because I’m whining about nightmares.
> 
> 1:55 AM  
>  Hot Stranger: I get them too
> 
> 1:58 AM  
>  Me: You do?
> 
> 2:00 AM  
>  Derek: Yeah
> 
> 2:03 AM  
>  Me: Permission to ask another question?
> 
> 2:05 AM  
>  Derek: Go ahead
> 
> 2:07 AM  
>  Me: Are you a veteran?
> 
> 2:10 AM  
>  Derek: No  
>  Derek: I was in a bad accident  
>  Derek: And I dont really feel like talking about it but I still get nightmares about how it happened  
>  Derek: And about a lot of other things  
>  Derek: So, youre not alone ok?
> 
> 2:12 AM  
>  Me: Thank you.  
>  Me: I’m sorry for prying.
> 
> 2:13 AM  
>  Derek: Curiosity happens it's ok  
>  Derek: You gotta stop beating yourself up about stuff though kid
> 
> 2:15 AM  
>  Me: What do you mean?
> 
> 2:16 AM  
>  Derek: You always apologize for stuff you didn't even do wrong and always put yourself down  
>  Derek: It hurts my heart
> 
> 2:18 AM  
>  Me: [DRAFT] I’m sor
> 
> 2:18 AM  
>  Derek: And dont say youre sorry :p  
>  Derek: I like you and care about you man. And thats somethin you deserve
> 
> 2:21 AM  
>  Me: Thank you.  
>  Me: The same goes for you.
> 
> 2:22 AM  
>  Derek: Oh yeah I know ;p
> 
> 2:23 AM  
>  Me: Conceit is a bad color on you, Derek.
> 
> 2:24 AM  
>  Derek: Please the only color I look bad in is lime green and I dont know nobody who can rock it
> 
> 2:25 AM  
>  Me: Joking aside, I think it's impossible for you to look bad.
> 
> 2:27 AM  
>  Derek: Youre too sweet on me  
>  Derek: Are you feeling better?
> 
> 2:28 AM  
>  Me: Much.  
>  Me: I think I might go back to sleep.
> 
> 2:29 AM  
>  Derek <3: Good get some rest
> 
> 2:30 AM  
>  Me: I will. Thank you.
> 
> 2:31 AM  
>  Derek <3: Anytime kid  
>  Derek <3: Gnight :-)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I like when a bad dream doesn't scare you, but inspires you instead." - Fwah Storm


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “New love is grand. Savor all the crazy, muddled might of it.” ― Eli Easton

**February 5th**  
  


> 11:29 PM  
>  Derek <3: Hey kid
> 
> 11:32 PM  
>  Me: Derek! Hi.
> 
> 11:33 PM  
>  Derek <3: Lol someone happy to hear from me?
> 
> 11:35 PM  
>  Me: Yes.  
>  Me: I’m sorry if that's silly.
> 
> 11:36 PM  
>  Derek <3: It's cute :p  
>  Derek <3: Like you
> 
> 11:38 PM  
>  Me: -.- Stop that.
> 
> 11:40 PM  
>  Derek <3: Lmao is that your pissed off face?
> 
> 11:41 PM  
>  Me: Yes.
> 
> 11:42 PM  
>  Derek <3: Very cute  
>  Derek <3: So hows your day goin?
> 
> 11:44 PM  
>  Me: My day is over. It's 11:45.
> 
> 11:46 PM  
>  Derek <3: Shit that late? I didnt realize  
>  Derek <3: Why arent you asleep then old man? ;p
> 
> 11:49 PM  
>  Me: I was waiting to hear from you.
> 
> 11:52 PM  
>  Derek <3: Youre too sweet  
>  Derek <3: Im sorry though bub I was at work all day
> 
> 11:54 PM  
>  Me: Why so late?
> 
> 11:57 PM  
>  Derek <3: Ive got weird hours.
> 
> 11:58 PM  
>  Me: What do you do?

  
**February 6th**  
  


> 12:01 AM  
>  Derek <3: Top secret
> 
> 12:03 AM  
>  Me: Are you an assassin?
> 
> 12:04 AM  
>  Derek <3: Lmao no, but close
> 
> 12:05 AM  
>  Me: :p
> 
> 12:06 AM  
>  Derek <3: Lol takin an emoji straight from my handbook?
> 
> 12:08 AM  
>  Me: My ‘emoji’ repertoire is scarce.
> 
> 12:09 AM  
>  Derek <3: So I can see  
>  Derek <3: Ill have to help.. Replenish you ;p
> 
> 12:12 AM  
>  Me: I don't follow?
> 
> 12:14 AM  
>  Derek <3: Forget it  
>  Derek <3: You should get some sleep kid
> 
> 12:15 AM  
>  Me: The same to you.
> 
> 12:16 AM  
>  Derek <3: Alright alright. Gnight qt
> 
> 12:18 AM  
>  Me: Goodnight.  
>  Me: <3

* * *

>  2:49 PM  
>  Derek <3: AWW YOU SENT ME A HEART :’)
> 
> 2:53 PM  
>  Me: Shut up.
> 
> 2:54 PM  
>  Derek <3: Its sweet  
>  Derek <3: Youre sweet
> 
> 2:57 PM  
>  Me: I wasn't sure if it was appropriate.
> 
> 3:00 PM  
>  Derek: How come?
> 
> 3:03 PM  
>  Me: I don't want to weird you out by being too forthcoming about my romantic attraction to you.
> 
> 3:05 PM  
>  Derek: Youre not weirding me out  
>  Derek: You know Im into you too anyways
> 
> 3:08 PM  
>  Me: I don't see why.
> 
> 3:10 PM  
>  Derek: Well I see a sweet understanding guy who I care about and wanna get to know better  
>  Derek: Whos also super good looking to boot ;p
> 
> 3:14 PM  
>  Me: You don't mean that.
> 
> 3:15 PM  
>  Derek: I promise I do
> 
> 3:17 PM  
>  Me: You barely know me.
> 
> 3:19PM  
>  Derek: And you barely know me but you still like me right??
> 
> 3:20 PM  
>  Me: Obviously.
> 
> 3:21 PM  
>  Derek: Then why cant I feel the same?  
>  Derek: We met on a dating site kid and Im pretty sure if this was just about hookups we woulda gotten to that part already. I dont usually stay up till 3 am talking to guys I just wanna tumble around with  
>  Derek: So I just want you to accept that I like you and wanna know more about you
> 
> 3:24 PM  
>  Me: I’m trying.  
>  Me: I’m not very good at this. I told you, you're the only person who's messaged me from the site. I still don't know if this is some sort of joke or not.
> 
> 3:25 PM  
>  Derek: Joke? Spencer thats just cruel
> 
> 3:28 PM  
>  Me: It wouldn't be the first time that's happened to me.
> 
> 4:00 PM  
>  Derek: That really hurts my heart Spencer. I feel for you
> 
> 4:02 PM  
>  Me: I’m not used to this level of empathy and kindness from strangers - specifically potential mates, or people I have reciprocated feelings for.
> 
> 4:03 PM  
>  Derek: You dont deserve what youve been dished out man  
>  Derek: Youre a really good guy I can tell  
>  Derek: And to be honest.. Youre not the first person to be subjected to ‘jokes’ like that
> 
> 4:06 PM  
>  Me: You?
> 
> 4:07 PM  
>  Derek: Yes me?
> 
> 4:09 PM  
>  Me: But.. Look at you.
> 
> 4:12 PM  
>  Derek: Yeah, look at me kid  
>  Derek: Im black gay and missin a leg  
>  Derek: Liberal arts colleges are just aching for my picture on their brochure :p
> 
> 4:14 PM  
>  Derek: Joking aside though? Id be lying if I told you no ones ever played a joke or two on me at my expense  
>  Derek: And yeah that hurts, that hurts a lot but you cant let that rule your life kid
> 
> 4:17 PM  
>  Me: For someone who says they're not an old man, you sure are wise like one.
> 
> 4:18 PM  
>  Derek <3: Lmao, there he is
> 
> 4:20 PM  
>  Me: :)
> 
> 4:21 PM  
>  Derek <3: And now hes breakin out the emojis!
> 
> 4:23 PM  
>  Me: You're ridiculous.
> 
> 4:25 PM  
>  Derek <3: You love it tho ;)
> 
> 4:29 PM  
>  Derek <3: Hey kid I gotta go
> 
> 4:31 PM  
>  Me: Oh, okay. Have a good day.
> 
> 4:32 PM  
>  Derek <3: Trust me my days good with you in it ;p  
>  Derek <3: Talk to you later kid
> 
> 4:33 PM  
>  Me: Bye, Derek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “With bated breath we wait for the scent of perfection, accompanied by the freshness of love.” ― Saim A. Cheeda


	4. Chapter 4

**February 5th**

 

> 11:02 PM  
>  Derek <3: Hey kid

* * *

  **February 6th**

 

> 12:14 AM  
>  Derek <3: Goodnight handsome :-)

* * *

 

>  10:49 AM
> 
> Me: Hey!  
>  Me: Sorry I missed your goodnight text.

* * *

 

>  2:16 PM  
>  Derek <3: Hey bub
> 
> 2:20 PM  
>  Me: Hi, Derek.
> 
> 2:21 PM  
>  Derek <3: How you doin?
> 
> 2:24 PM  
>  Me: Pretty good. I’m on my break. How are you? How'd you sleep?
> 
> 2:26 PM  
>  Derek <3: Good and good. Whatcha up to?
> 
> 2:27 PM  
>  Me: Reading Chaucer.
> 
> 2:28 PM  
>  Derek <3: Aww cute little nerd
> 
> 2:29 PM  
>  Me: -.-
> 
> 2:31 PM  
>  Derek <3: Dont send me the PO’d face Ill knock you out
> 
> 2:32 PM  
>  Me: Sure you will.
> 
> 2:33 PM  
>  Derek <3: Im hardcore Ill toss these hands
> 
> 2:35 PM  
>  Me: Lol.
> 
> 2:37 PM  
>  Derek <3: … Did you just say lol?
> 
> 2:38 pm  
>  Me: No, I typed it.
> 
> 2:39 PM  
>  Derek <3: Smartass
> 
> 2:41 PM  
>  Me: xp  
>  Me: So what are -you- up to?
> 
> 2:42 PM  
>  Derek <3: Work work work
> 
> 2:44 PM  
>  Me: No texting at work!
> 
> 2:47 PM  
>  Derek <3: Lmao calm yourself boy were just on our way to check something out
> 
> 2:49 PM  
>  Me: Scoping out the White House to assassinate Donald Trump?
> 
> 2:31 PM  
>  Derek <3: I literally LOL’d and now my boss is glaring at me >.>  
>  Derek <3: Also, if Trump is in our White House we gonna die  
>  Derek <3: Maybe not you. He likes the able bodied Aryans
> 
> 2:33 PM  
>  Me: I’m not of Indo-Iranian descent.
> 
> 2:35 PM  
>  Derek <3: Dork
> 
> 2:37 PM  
>  Me: To quote you, “You love it tho”.
> 
> 2:41 PM  
>  Derek <3: I gtg were landing now  
>  Derek <3: Talk soon
> 
> 2:44 PM  
>  Me: Oh. Be safe and have a good day.

* * *

 

>  10:13 PM
> 
> Derek <3: Hi
> 
> 10:17 PM  
>  Me: Hey, what's up?
> 
> 10:19 PM  
>  Derek <3: Nothin really
> 
> 10:21 PM  
>  Me: Well, how was your day?
> 
> 10:24 PM  
>  Derek <3: Rough
> 
> 10:25 PM  
>  Me: Are you okay?
> 
> 10:27 PM  
>  Derek <3: Honestly no  
>  Derek <3: Are you busy? Can I call you?
> 
> 10:30 PM  
>  Me: Right now?
> 
> 10:31 PM  
>  Derek <3: Yeah kid right now
> 
> 10:33 PM  
>  Me: Why?
> 
> 10:36 PM  
>  Derek <3: I need someone to talk to
> 
> 10:37 PM  
>  Me: I’m that someone?
> 
> 10:40 PM  
>  Derek <3: Forget it then
> 
> 10:41 PM  
>  Me: No, I didn't mean it like that! You can call if you need to.
> 
> 10:42 PM  
>  Derek <3: Ok
> 
> 10:44 PM  
>  Derek <3: [INCOMING CALL]

_“Hey, kid.”_

“Oh. Hi.”

_“You've got a cute voice. ‘Just how I imagined.”_

_“_ You.. Imagined my voice?”

_“Yeah, had to read your texts in someone's voice, didn't I?”_

_“_ I guess. I- I like yours, too. Your voice, I mean. It's a nice voice.”

_“Somebody nervous?”_

“A little.”

_“How come?”_

“I don't do very well with phone calls and.. Verbal conversation.”

_“That's okay.”_

“Thank you.”

_“...”_

_“_ So, um- You said your day was rough. Do you want to talk about it?”

_“I- Yeah, um- It's just work, you know?”_

“What about it?”

_“I feel.. Useless, almost. To my team.”_

_“_ Why?”

_“I can't do a lot of the things they can. Physically, I mean. It's frustrating, and I guess I let it get the best of me and sorta blew up. My boss reprimanded me and I just.. Feel stupid.”_

_“_ It's not stupid to be frustrated by your limitations.”

_“Yeah, but.. I don't know. With all due respect, you don't really get it.”_

“Well, maybe not in the same aspect but.. I do understand. My Asperger's restrict me from enjoying a lot of things by peers do. And so does my..”

_“Your..?”_

“Um. I guess I have a slight.. Problem, you could say.”

_“With what?”_

_“_ I, uh- I have trouble.. Going outside.”

_“What do you mean?”_

_“_ I only really go to work, but even that is getting more and more difficult. I only teach a few classes a week, when I used to have a few every day. I have this.. Fear. It's debilitating. I don't know what it is, but every time I step outside my apartment, it's like the air just gets knocked right out of me.”

_“I’m sorry, kid.”_

“It's not your fault.”

_“After my accident, I kinda felt the same way, but I guess that was for different, obvious, reasons. I refused physical therapy for a long time because I was so ashamed. But, I’m glad I did it. I’m glad I got out there eventually. And now the shame isn't so bad. Now I can wear shorts, and go for runs, and just not worry about the pitiful looks people give me, and the way mothers have to shush their children when they ask what's wrong with me. I get angry sometimes, I do. But I know my limits, I know my weaknesses, and I try to work with them.”_

“I- I don't know what to say.”

_“It's okay.”_

_“_ I feel bad now.”

_“What? Why?”_

“Because my agoraphobia is so minuscule compared to the struggles you face.”

_“It's not a competition, kid.”_

“I know.”

_“Good.”_

“...”

_“...”_

“Um- Are you.. Are you okay?”

_“I’m okay. You made me okay.”_

“I did?”

_“Yeah, you did, pretty boy.”_

“How?”

_“You teach me things about myself. I've learned a lot from you these past few days.”_

“I- I really like talking to you, Derek.”

_“Yeah. Me too, kid.”_

“You should get some sleep.”

_“Yeah. Kinda don't want to, though.”_

“Why?”

_“‘Don't wanna hang up with you.”_

“Derek..”

_“Fine, fine. Goodnight, Spence.”_

“Goodnight.”

 

> [CALL DISCONNECTED] 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's where the 'T for Teen' rating comes in a little bit ;p some speed bumps ahead as well. also, sorry if the format looks wonky. im uploading this on mobile and won't get a chance to edit it on my laptop till later. hope it still reads well!

**February 7th**

> 9:22 AM  
>  Derek <3: -multimedia message-  
>  Derek <3: I dont understand why my gym has to crank up the heat so high. Im dyin over here
> 
> 9:30 AM  
>  Me: That is  
>  Me: Oh  
>  Me: You don't have a shirt on
> 
> 9:33 AM  
>  Derek <3: Am I distracting you? ;)
> 
> 9:36 AM  
>  Me: Yes.  
>  Me: Put those things away.
> 
> 9:38 AM  
>  Derek <3: Lmao “those things”?
> 
> 9:40 AM  
>  Me: Your bulging biceps and pectorals.
> 
> 9:42 AM  
>  Derek <3: Lmao  
>  Derek <3: I see I got somebody hot n bothered  
>  Derek <3: Now you know how I feel ;p
> 
> 9:44 AM  
>  Me: What do you mean?
> 
> 9:45 AM  
>  Derek <3: Your pictures  
>  Derek <3: Got me feelin some typa way ;)
> 
> 9:48 AM  
>  Me: How? I obviously don't look like.. That.
> 
> 9:50 AM  
>  Derek <3: That dont mean anything  
>  Derek <3: Youre still gorgeous
> 
> 9:53 AM  
>  Me: I still don't understand how you can say those things when you are obviously by public opinion more attractive than me.
> 
> 9:54 AM  
>  Derek <3: ‘Attractive’ is subjective  
>  Derek <3: There are plenty of people out there who prefer your body type and features over mine  
>  Derek <3: Really, Im not a lot of guys’ type
> 
> 9:56 AM  
>  Me: I refuse to believe that.
> 
> 9:57 AM  
>  Derek <3: Im serious  
>  Derek <3: A lot of guys on the site hit me up and then turned me down when I wasnt what they were looking for cos they made assumptions
> 
> 10:00 AM  
>  Me: About your leg?
> 
> 10:03 AM  
>  Derek <3: No  
>  Derek <3: About other things
> 
> 10:04 AM  
>  Me: Care to elaborate?
> 
> 10:08 AM  
>  Derek <3: Well I guess I give off some kinda aura that gets misinterpreted a lot  
>  Derek <3: Or maybe its because of how I look, or my race, but
> 
> 10:09 AM  
>  Me: But?
> 
> 10:11 AM  
>  Derek <3: Im tryin not to be blunt here.. Lol
> 
> 10:12 AM  
>  Me: We've established I don't do well with conversational context clues.
> 
> 10:15 AM  
>  Derek <3: Most guys assume Im a top
> 
> 10:17 AM  
>  Me: Top? As in what?
> 
> 10:19 AM  
>  Derek <3: urbandictionary.com/define/top
> 
> 10:23 AM  
>  Me: Oh.  
>  Me: Oh. That kind of top.
> 
> 10:25 AM  
>  Derek <3: Did you think I was or..?
> 
> 10:27 AM  
>  Me: I haven't really thought about having intercourse with you.  
>  Me: That's not to say I’m not sexually attracted to you, though.
> 
> 10:29 AM  
>  Me: Why did I say that  
>  Me: I’m sorry
> 
> 10:30 AM  
>  Derek <3: Lmao kid relax so am I.. but you knew that didn't you ;p
> 
> 10:32 AM  
>  Me: I gathered that, yes.
> 
> 10:35 AM  
>  Derek <3: So does it.. Bother you?  
>  Derek <3: Like are you no longer “sexually attracted” to me
> 
> 10:37 AM  
>  Me: I think you're the one making assumptions now.
> 
> 10:38 AM  
>  Derek <3: What do you mean?
> 
> 10:40 AM  
>  Me: You're assuming I’m a “bottom” because of how I look, correct? And that I’m seeking a “top”?
> 
> 10:44 AM  
>  Derek <3: You saying you like to top?
> 
> 10:47 AM  
>  Me: Correct.
> 
> 10:50 AM  
>  Derek <3: Damn  
>  Derek <3: Is this real? Cos this feels like heaven ;p
> 
> 10:52 AM  
>  Me: I’m agnostic but I’m inclined to agree.
> 
> 10:53 AM  
>  Derek <3: Lmao  
>  Derek <3: Youre seriously somethin else kid
> 
> 10:55 AM  
>  Me: Thank you? I think.
> 
> 10:56 AM  
>  Derek <3: It's a good thing  
>  Derek <3: Im drivin home Ill text you in a bit
> 
> 10:57 AM  
>  Me: Drive safe.
> 
> * * *
> 
> 11:16 AM  
>  Derek <3: Hey sweetness
> 
> 11:18 AM  
>  Me: Welcome back. :)
> 
> 11:19 AM  
>  Derek <3: Awww you miss me
> 
> 11:20 AM  
>  Me: Desperately.
> 
> 11:22 AM  
>  Derek <3: So sweet  
>  Derek <3: What'd you do today handsome?
> 
> 11:24 AM  
>  Me: Nothing, really. Consumed copious amounts of coffee.
> 
> 11:25 AM  
>  Derek <3: Aww sleepy boy?
> 
> 11:27 AM  
>  Me: Yes.
> 
> 11:28 AM  
>  Derek <3: Didn't get any sleep last night?
> 
> 11:31 AM  
>  Me: You could say that.
> 
> 11:33 AM  
>  Derek <3: How come?
> 
> 11:36 AM  
>  Me: I was sort of restless.
> 
> 11:37 AM  
>  Derek <3: Couldn't shut off that big beautiful brain? ;p
> 
> 11:38 AM  
>  Me: Correct.
> 
> 11:40 AM  
>  Derek <3: What were you thinkin about?
> 
> 11:45 AM  
>  Me: Um
> 
> 11:46 AM  
>  Derek <3: ???
> 
> 11:48 AM  
>  Me: You.
> 
> 11:50 AM  
>  Derek <3: Me..?
> 
> 11:51 AM  
>  Me: I was thinking about you, okay?
> 
> 11:55 AM  
>  Me: I’m sorry. I didn't mean to be weird.
> 
> 11:56 AM  
>  Derek <3: Im flattered sugar  
>  Derek <3: What about me were you thinkin about? ;p
> 
> 11:59 AM  
>  Me: Being with you.
> 
> 12:01 PM  
>  Derek <3: Oh yeah?
> 
> 12:03 PM  
>  Me: Yes.
> 
> 12:04 PM  
>  Derek <3: Being with me how baby?
> 
> 12:07 PM  
>  Me: Just with you. Being able to see your face, hear you speak.  
>  Me: And your touch.
> 
> 12:09 PM  
>  Derek <3: You want me to touch you?
> 
> 12:11 PM  
>  Me: Yes.  
>  Me: I’m usually not fond of this type of contact, but I just really wanted to feel you hugging me.  
>  Me: It was hard to sleep once I realized I didn't have someone to hold me.  
>  Me: That someone being you.
> 
> 12:15 PM  
>  Me: I made it weird again.
> 
> 12:16 PM  
>  Derek <3: You didn't  
>  Derek <3: Promise  
>  Derek <3: I mighta made it weird tho
> 
> 12:18 PM  
>  Me: How?
> 
> 12:20 PM  
>  Derek <3: I thought this was goin in a completely different direction.. Lol
> 
> 12:23 PM  
>  Me: Do you mean “sexting”?
> 
> 12:24 PM  
>  Derek <3: Lmao yeah kid that  
>  Derek <3: Surprised you even know what that means
> 
> 12:26 PM  
>  Me: Why? I've participated in it once before.
> 
> 12:29 PM  
>  Derek <3: Seriously?
> 
> 12:30 PM  
>  Me: Yes?
> 
> 12:32 PM  
>  Derek <3: No way. With who?
> 
> 12:35 PM  
>  Me: Someone I was dating.
> 
> 12:36 PM  
>  Derek <3: Damn you get around ;p
> 
> 12:38 PM  
>  Me: Was that an insult?
> 
> 12:39 PM  
>  Derek <3: What? No. Just teasin you
> 
> 12:41 PM  
>  Me: Oh. Right.
> 
> 12:42 PM  
>  Derek <3: Silly boy  
>  Derek <3: So about me touchin on you
> 
> 12:43 PM  
>  Me: Yes?
> 
> 12:45 PM  
>  Derek <3: Id like that  
>  Derek <3: Hugging you, holding you
> 
> 12:47 PM  
>  Me: You would?
> 
> 12:48 PM  
>  Derek <3: Id love to  
>  Derek <3: Maybe we can make fantasy a reality?
> 
> 12:50 PM  
>  Me: What do you mean?
> 
> 12:51 PM  
>  Derek <3: Like we could meet up and I could squeeze on you ;p
> 
> 12:55 PM  
>  Me: Oh.
> 
> 12:56 PM  
>  Derek <3: ‘Oh’?
> 
> 12:59 PM  
>  Derek <3: What's ‘oh’ supposed to mean?
> 
> 1:02 PM  
>  Me: I've gotta go. Something just came up.
> 
> 1:05 PM  
>  Derek <3: Right ok  
>  Derek <3: Well Ill talk to you later handsome


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for some pretty crude messages and mention of derek's CSA

**February 7th**

> 11:51 PM  
>  Derek <3: Fall asleep on me? Goodnight ;p

* * *

  **February 8th**

> 9:12 AM  
>  Derek <3: Mornin pretty boy
> 
> 9:47 AM  
>  Derek <3: Have a good day :)

* * *

> 1:18 PM  
>  Derek: Hey kid
> 
> 1:23 PM  
>  Derek: You doing ok?

* * *

> 4:02 PM  
>  Derek: Spencer  
>  Derek: Are you alright? 

* * *

> 6:31 PM  
>  Derek: Kid get back to me please, Im worried

* * *

**OKCUPID.COM/USERS/SPENCERREIDING/INBOX**

> 6:38 PM  
>  **JayGid liked your photo!**  
>  **JayGid liked your photo!**
> 
> 6:41 PM  
>  JayGid: Wow. Stunning pics. Very handsome boy.
> 
> 6:46 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: Thank you.
> 
> 6:48 PM  
>  JayGid: U like what u see here too?  
>  JayGid: Glad to hear back from u baby.
> 
> 6:51 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: I like your profile. You seem to enjoy chess and philosophy quite a bit.  
>  SpencerReiding: But I’m slightly confused; aren't I much too young for you?
> 
> 6:53 PM  
>  JayGid: Thats ok. I like my boys nice and young.  
>  JayRid: Ripe and sweet.
> 
> 6:55 PM  
>  JayGid: U r so pretty.  
>  JayGid: I want to see more of that milky skin.
> 
> 6:57 PM  
>  JayGid: Dont be shy baby.  
>  JayGid: Ill take care of u. Dont u need someone to take good care of u?
> 
> 7:00 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: I don't quite understand.
> 
> 7:01 PM  
>  JayGid: Playing dumb is getting me hot.  
>  JayGid: U never had a daddy?
> 
> 7:03 PM  
>  JayGid: I can be yr daddy, I can treat u real good. U just have to take care of me too. 

* * *

  **2027871214: CELLULAR**

> 7:05 PM  
> Derek: Spencer answer me please

* * *

  **OKCUPID.COM/USERS/SPENCERREIDING/INBOX**

> 7:08 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: I think this situation has been misinterpreted on both of our behaves.
> 
> 7:09 PM  
>  JayGid: Its ok. Dont b shy.
> 
> 7:11 PM  
>  JayGid: I want to see that tiny body spread open for me.  
>  JayGid: Show me some skin beautiful boy.
> 
> 7:15 PM  
>  SpencerReiding: I’m not interested.
> 
> 7:17 PM  
>  JayGid: No one likes a tease.
> 
> 7:19 PM  
>  JayGid: Whore
> 
> **You have blocked JayGid - they can no longer send you messages.**

* * *

  **2027871214: CELLULAR**

> 7:22 PM  
>  Me: Hi.
> 
> 7:23 PM  
>  Derek: Spencer you scared the shit out of me  
>  Derek: Are you ok? Are you hurt?
> 
> 7:26 PM  
>  Me: I’m fine.
> 
> 7:27 PM  
>  Derek: Bullshit what happened
> 
> 7:31 PM  
>  Derek: Did I do something?
> 
> 7:34 PM  
>  Me: No.  
>  Me: Yes.  
>  Me: I don't know.
> 
> 7:36 PM  
>  Derek: You dont know?
> 
> 7:40 PM  
>  Derek: Spencer tell me what I did or said to make you go awol so I can fix it or at least apologize  
>  Derek: I never meant to hurt you
> 
> 7:42 PM  
>  Me: You didn't.  
>  Me: I just keep hurting myself.
> 
> 7:43 PM  
>  Derek: What are you talking about?  
>  Derek: Is this about what I said last night? About wanting to see you?
> 
> 7:48 PM  
>  Derek: Spencer cmon
> 
> 7:49 PM  
>  Me: Yes, okay? It's about that.
> 
> 7:51 PM  
>  Derek: Well do you not wanna meet me?  
>  Derek: I thought you did cos of what you said
> 
> 7:52 PM  
>  Me: I do.
> 
> 7:54 PM  
>  Derek: Then whats the problem?
> 
> 7:55 PM  
>  Me: The problem is that I want to, Derek.
> 
> 7:56 PM  
>  Derek: I dont understand
> 
> 7:59 PM  
>  Me: Derek, I haven't left my house to do anything other than work or very occasional grocery shopping in over six months. I live off of takeout, and I buy everything I can't get online in bulk so I don't have to go out more than twice a year. I don't go out to get my mail, I don't go out with my whopping total of two friends, I don't run errands, I don't do anything - and I’m comfortable like this. I like my home because it's safe, and here nothing bad can happen to me. I don't want to go outside. I don't want to do anything that involves leaving my front door, but then you came and did this and messed it all up and I don't know what to do because now I want things that I can't have, that I won't ever have, and I just want everything back the way it was. It was scary and lonely sometimes but it was safe and I don't ever want to feel out of control like this ever again.
> 
> 8:03 PM  
>  Derek: Spencer  
>  Derek: Listen Im going to tell you something really personal that I dont tell a lot of people. My friends and my family are the only people who know  
>  Derek: When I was a kid somethin real bad happened to me
> 
> 8:05 PM  
>  Derek: My football coach messed around with me. You know, like -that-  
>  Derek: And that really shook up my life  
>  Derek: I was terrified of him. I didnt wanna go to school because I thought he could get me there. I didnt wanna go to my friends houses because I was afraid he'd follow me. I didnt wanna go to the movies, or out to eat, or to my sisters dance recitals, and I definitely didnt wanna go to practice. I didnt wanna leave my room ever again because he couldnt get to me in there, but he was still everywhere, even when he physically wasnt
> 
> 8:07 PM  
>  Derek: And it only got worse when I had my accident  
>  Derek: I was crossing the street with some friends as we bar hopped to celebrate my buddy’s birthday when I got slammed by a pickup  
>  Derek: My friends had to drag me to the side of the road, I was unconscious and bleeding really bad  
>  Derek: I was out for three days, and when I woke up they told me my body wasnt fighting off the infection I had got from all the dirt and gravel in my wound, and theyd have to amputate. Scariest thing I ever had to hear in my life.  
>  Derek: It only got worse after that. I never went out, never saw my friends, my family, never went to class. I locked myself away for two years because I thought that everything outside of my door was evil and could hurt me in many unimaginable ways. And that uncertainty terrified me. Still does.  
>  Derek: But I cant let that rule over me anymore. I cant spend my life inside because Im afraid of what -might- happen and because there are so many good things out there waiting for me, for you. Why deny ourselves greatness just because we're afraid?
> 
> 8:14 PM  
>  Me: I don't know what to say.  
>  Me: I’m speechless.
> 
> 8:15 PM  
>  Derek: Good speechless or bad speechless?
> 
> 8:16 PM  
>  Me: Good.  
>  Me: I think.  
>  Me: Why do you make me feel this way?
> 
> 8:17 PM  
>  Derek: What way?
> 
> 8:20 PM  
>  Me: I can't explain it.  
>  Me: And it's scary but what's scarier is that I like it.  
>  Me: I like you.
> 
> 8:22 PM  
>  Derek: Eggplant emoji like or interracial gay couple holding hands emoji like?
> 
> 8:23 PM  
>  Me: What the fuck does that even mean?
> 
> 8:24 PM  
>  Derek: The eggplant emoji  
>  Derek: It looks like a dick  
>  Derek: Nevermind
> 
> 8:26 PM  
>  Me: Well, I think I’d like that, too.  
>  Me: But, for now, I’d say “interracial gay couple holding hands emoji” like.
> 
> 8:28 PM  
>  Derek: Me too kid  
>  Derek: :-) <3
> 
> 8:29 PM  
>  Me: :’)  
>  Me: Where does that leave us, then?
> 
> 8:30 PM  
>  Derek: Well maybe we can be official interracial gay couple holding hands emojis
> 
> 8:31 PM  
>  Me: I’d like that.
> 
> 8:32 PM  
>  Derek <3: Me too kid  
>  Derek <3: You doin okay?
> 
> 8:34 PM  
>  Me: I am now.
> 
> 8:35 PM  
>  Derek <3: Good <3  
>  Derek <3: Im gonna hop (literally) in the shower then off to bed
> 
> 8:37 PM  
>  Me: Okay. Goodnight, Derek.
> 
> 8:38 PM  
>  Derek <3: Goodnight love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “A fine line separates the weary recluse from the fearful hermit. Finer still is the line between hermit and bitter misanthrope.” Dean Koontz


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter sets the stage for some minor angst and backstory to come. its brief so please forgive me for the suffering !! enjoy

**February 9th**

> 4:22 PM  
>  Me: You called me “love”.
> 
> 4:30 PM  
>  Derek <3: I did  
>  Derek <3: Hello to you too
> 
> 4:31 PM  
>  Me: Sorry.  
>  Me: How was your day?
> 
> 4:33 PM  
>  Derek <3: Still goin. Still at work  
>  Derek <3: I got worried when I didnt hear from you this AM
> 
> 4:35 PM  
>  Me: Why? What do you mean?
> 
> 4:36 PM  
>  Derek <3: I thought I scared you off  
>  Derek <3: With the whole couple holding hands liking you thing
> 
> 4:37 PM  
>  Me: You didn't.  
>  Me: To be honest, I spent the whole day internally freaking out because you called me ‘love’ like it was no big deal.  
>  Me: No one's ever called me a pet name as such.
> 
> 4:39 PM  
>  Derek <3: Oh I am going to have sooo much fun with that information  
>  Derek <3: Babe  
>  Derek <3: Sweetheart  
>  Derek <3: Darlin
> 
> 4:42 PM  
>  Me: You're ridiculous.
> 
> 4:43 PM  
>  Derek <3: Ridiculously cute I know
> 
> 4:44 PM  
>  Me: Dork.
> 
> 4:45 PM  
>  Derek <3: Haha  
>  Derek <3: So how are you baby? ;p
> 
> 4:47 PM  
>  Me: I’m alright.
> 
> 4:48 PM  
>  Derek <3: Just alright?
> 
> 4:50 PM  
>  Me: Yeah.  
>  Me: I had to miss work today.
> 
> 4:52 PM  
>  Derek <3: Too much anxiety?
> 
> 4:55 PM  
>  Me: How'd you know?
> 
> 4:56 PM  
>  Derek <3: Vulcan mind meld
> 
> 4:58 PM  
>  Me: Huh. That explains it.
> 
> 4:59 PM  
>  Derek <3: Lol :p  
>  Derek <3: But seriously, you okay?
> 
> 5:01 PM  
>  Me: I think I’ll be alright.  
>  Me: Thank you.
> 
> 5:02 PM  
>  Derek <3: Of course  
>  Derek <3: I tried to do some reading on agoraphobia so I could try to help you if you have a bad day or somethin  
>  Derek <3: But you can let me know if I say something unhelpful or offensive. Lord knows I've gotten my fair share of ‘advice’ from able bodied people
> 
> 5:05 PM  
>  Me: You don't know how good that makes me feel inside to know that you're making such an effort to accommodate me - seriously.
> 
> 5:06 PM  
>  Derek <3: Anything for you kid  
>  Derek <3: I gotta go for right now tho gotta finish this report then drive home so Ill talk to you then sugar
> 
> 5:07 PM  
>  Me: I'll be holding you to that.
> 
> 5:08 PM  
>  Derek <3: Lol  
>  Derek <3: Ttyl love
> 
> 5:09 PM  
>  Me: :)

* * *

>  7:12 PM  
>  JJ: Hey Spence me n Em were thinking about going out tonite, u wanna come? Haven't seen u in so long. :/
> 
> 7:16 PM  
>  Me: I’m sorry. I don't think I can.
> 
> 7:20 PM  
>  JJ: Spencer I don't get this.
> 
> 7:21 PM  
>  Me: What do you mean?
> 
> 7:23 PM  
>  JJ: Why u always avoid going out and having fun.  
>  JJ: Is it me?
> 
> 7:25 PM  
>  Me: Of course it isn't you. You're my best friend.
> 
> 7:27 PM  
>  JJ: Well u don't act like it.  
>  JJ: I’m worried about u.
> 
> 7:29 PM  
>  Me: I’m fine, J.
> 
> 7:31 PM  
>  JJ: No yr not. When was the last time u went out?
> 
> 7:34 PM  
>  Me: I don't remember.
> 
> 7:35 PM  
>  JJ: U have an eidetic memory. Of course u remember. U just don't wanna tell me bc it's been months hasn't it.
> 
> 7:39 PM  
>  JJ: Spencer u need to get out.
> 
> 7:42 PM  
>  Me: I can't.
> 
> 7:43 PM  
>  JJ: But why?
> 
> 7:35 PM  
>  Me: I just can't, okay?
> 
> 7:37 PM  
>  JJ: I’m trying to understand but I don't get it.  
>  JJ: What are u so afraid of?
> 
> 7:40 PM  
>  Me: You know what.
> 
> 7:42 PM  
>  JJ: Is this still about Maeve?
> 
> 7:46 PM  
>  JJ: Spencer she's gone. There's nothing u could have done to prevent that. She made her choice.
> 
> 7:48 PM  
>  Me: That doesn't change a thing.  
>  Me: I have to go.
> 
> 7:49 PM  
>  JJ: Spence don't be like this.
> 
> 7:51 PM  
>  Me: I’ll talk to you later.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.” ― George Orwell


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." - Irish headstone engraving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for suicide and past abuse

**February 9th**  
  


> 10:32 PM  
>  Derek <3: Hey handsome Im home
> 
> 10:35 PM  
>  Me: Hi.
> 
> 10:36 PM  
>  Derek <3: You okay?
> 
> 10:38 PM  
>  Me: No.
> 
> 10:40 PM  
>  Derek <3: Whats wrong babe?
> 
> 10:43 PM  
>  Me: I don't want to talk about it.  
>  Me: But it's not you. I promise.
> 
> 10:45 PM  
>  Derek <3: Alright
> 
> 10:47 PM  
>  Me: Are you mad at me?
> 
> 10:48 PM  
>  Derek <3: What? No
> 
> 10:49 PM  
>  Me: I’m sorry.
> 
> 10:51 PM  
>  Derek <3: Spencer you didnt do anythin  
>  Derek <3: Im sad I cant help you but that doesnt warrant me bein mad at you
> 
> 10:54 PM  
>  Me: Why do you just.. Get me?
> 
> 10:55 PM  
>  Derek <3: Told you Im psychic
> 
> 10:57 PM  
>  Me: You make me smile.
> 
> 10:58 PM  
>  Derek <3: Im glad. Youve got a beautiful smile  
>  Derek <3: Can I see you?
> 
> 11:01 PM  
>  Me: I don't look good.
> 
> 11:02 PM  
>  Derek <3: You always look good
> 
> 11:04 PM  
>  Me: That is very much false.
> 
> 11:05 PM  
>  Derek <3: Alright alright I wont push you
> 
> 11:07 PM  
>  Me: I’m sorry.
> 
> 11:08 PM  
>  Derek <3: Nothin to be sorry for sugar
> 
> 11:14 PM  
>  Derek <3: You okay?
> 
> 11:26 PM  
>  Me: My girlfriend killed herself.
> 
> 11:28 PM  
>  Derek <3: What  
>  Derek <3: Spencer  
>  Derek <3: Like.. Right now?
> 
> 11:31 PM  
>  Me: No.  
>  Me: Seven months ago.  
>  Me: I just wanted to put that out there and had no idea how to bring it up so I just.. Did.
> 
> 11:33 PM  
>  Derek <3: Im so sorry
> 
> 11:35 PM  
>  Me: It’s not your fault.  
>  Me: She was being stalked by an abusive ex.  
>  Me: She never went out she was so afraid.  
>  Me: And I guess she couldn’t take it anymore, living in fear.
> 
> 11:38 PM  
>  Derek <3: I dont know what to say kid  
>  Derek <3: But I know what its like to lose a loved one  
>  Derek <3: I lost my dad. Saw him get shot
> 
> 11:40 PM  
>  Me: That’s awful.
> 
> 11:41 PM  
>  Derek <3: It was hell. But we got through it.
> 
> 11:44 PM  
>  Me: I’m so afraid, Derek.  
>  Me: It’s just so hard.
> 
> 11:45 PM  
>  Derek <3: I know kid
> 
> 11:48 PM  
>  Me: I can’t protect the people I love and I’m so scared it’s crippling.  
>  Me: I don’t know what to do.
> 
> 11:50 PM  
>  Derek <3: Well take it one step at a time love  
>  Derek <3: Im here for you whenever you need me. Im always just a text or phone call away
> 
> 11:54 PM  
>  Me: I feel like I don’t deserve you.  
>  Me: I couldn’t keep Maeve safe, I couldn’t help her. I don’t deserve this.
> 
> 11:55 PM  
>  Derek <3: Spencer thats not true  
>  Derek <3: Im sure you did everything you could  
>  Derek <3: You deserve to be happy
> 
> 11:58 PM  
>  Me: You’re so good to me.
> 
> 11:59 PM  
>  Derek <3: Im tryin

* * *

**February 10th**

> 12:01 AM  
>  Me: You’re succeeding.  
>  Me: You make everything just a little bit easier - like I can breathe again.
> 
> 12:03 AM  
>  Derek <3: Likewise  
>  Derek <3: You need your sleep sweetheart
> 
> 12:04 AM  
>  Me: I don’t want to stop talking.
> 
> 12:06 AM  
>  Derek <3: Youre adorable but Im sure youre a little grump when you dont get your sleep :p
> 
> 12:07 AM  
>  Me: Alright, I’m going.  
>  Me: Goodnight, Derek.
> 
> 12:08 AM  
>  Derek <3: Night baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Grief, no matter how you try to cater to its wail, has a way of fading away.” ― V.C. Andrews, Flowers in the Attic


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, sort of a filler! ive got great things planned for this and i can't wait to get to them buuut these fillers are necessary. can't go spoiling all the fun at once. enjoy!

**February 10th**

 

> 9:43 AM  
> Me: Hi, Derek.
> 
> 9:45 AM  
> Derek <3: Hey pretty boy I was just about to text you ;p   
> Derek <3: Howd you sleep?
> 
> 9:46 AM  
> Me: Good.
> 
> 9:47 AM  
> Derek <3: Dream of me? ;p
> 
> 9:49 AM  
> Me: Parts of you.
> 
> 9:52 AM  
> Derek <3: Parts of me huh?
> 
> 9:53 AM  
> Me: I am not initiating sexting.
> 
> 9:54 AM  
> Derek <3: :’( Breaks my heart
> 
> 9:55 AM  
> Me: Haha.  
> Me: But, I did really dream of parts of you. Mostly your arms holding me, like I told you before.
> 
> 9:56 AM  
> Derek <3: I sense an ‘also’ coming on..?
> 
> 9:58 AM  
> Me: I dreamt about your lips, as well.
> 
> 10:00 AM  
> Derek <3: Ooh I can definitely work with that
> 
> 10:02 AM  
> Me: This is embarrassing.
> 
> 10:03 AM  
> Derek <3: Aw its okay kid   
> Derek <3: Id love to kiss you   
> Derek <3: If thats what youre getting at
> 
> 10:04 AM  
> Me: It is.   
> Me: It's been so long.
> 
> 10:05 AM  
> Derek <3: Since you were kissed?
> 
> 10:07 AM  
> Me: Since anything.   
> Me: About a year and a half now.
> 
> 10:09 AM  
> Derek <3: Didnt your girlfriend pass seven months ago?
> 
> 10:11 AM  
> Me: We were rarely physical.   
> Me: We never made love. It upset her the few times that we tried.   
> Me: Not that I minded. We were close in other ways. Because we had that, I guess I just didn't realize I still had that want for physical contact. Then you came along.
> 
> 10:14 AM  
> Derek <3: Well Ill try to make up for lost time then
> 
> 10:16 AM  
> Me: I’d like that.
> 
> 10:19 AM  
> Derek <3: Can I tell you somethin?
> 
> 10:20 AM  
> Me: Always.
> 
> 10:21 AM  
> Derek <3: Lol. Its not really a big deal but I deleted my profile   
> Derek <3: I only wanna be talking to you
> 
> 10:23 AM  
> Me: I should do the same.
> 
> 10:24 AM  
> Derek <3: You dont have to just cause I did
> 
> 10:25 AM  
> Me: Believe me, I should. I don't get many messages, but when I do, I wish I didn't.
> 
> 10:26 AM  
> Derek <3: Guys are gross
> 
> 10:27 AM  
> Me: We -are- guys.
> 
> 10:28 AM  
> Derek <3: And we’re gross   
> Derek <3: So on a serious note now
> 
> 10:30 AM  
> Me: Yes?
> 
> 10:33 AM  
> Derek <3: Do you wanna like. Be exclusive?   
> Derek <3: We dont have to be and you dont even have to delete your profile cos Im sure there are really good not gross guys who wanna get with you and probably have a lot more to offer than me but yeah
> 
> 10:37 AM  
> Me: There are no other guys, and if there were, they wouldn't compare to you.   
> Me: So, with that being said, yes.
> 
> 10:39 AM  
> Derek <3: Yes?
> 
> 10:40 AM  
> Me: Yes, I'll be exclusive with you.
> 
> 10:42 AM  
> Derek <3: You have no idea how happy that makes me
> 
> 10:43 AM  
> Me: Likewise.
> 
> 10:50 AM  
> Me: Did I scare you off?
> 
> 10:53 AM  
> Derek <3: No baby I just got a call from my boss Im so sorry   
> Derek <3: I gotta get to work
> 
> 10:55 AM  
> Me: Oh, okay.
> 
> 10:56 AM  
> Derek <3: Im really sorry I hate to cut this convo short   
> Derek <3: You know I love talking to you
> 
> 10:57 AM  
> Me: I really don't mind, Derek.   
> Me: Have a good day at work.
> 
> 10:59 AM  
> Derek <3: Thank you sweetheart  
> Derek <3: Alright I gtg promise I'll hit you up as soon as I can
> 
> 11:01 AM  
> Me: Okay :)
> 
> 11:02 AM  
> Derek <3: Bye babe
> 
> 11:03 AM  
> Me: Bye. <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woohoo im back! sort of a longer period between updates but i wanted to space out the chapters more since im starting school soon. anyways, we get to see spencer being the little helpful smartass that he is which is fun. i think it's worth mentioning that this is only slightly canon divergence. derek still works for the bau, so that's what he's talking about when he mentions work and his "team". enjoy!

February 11th

> 8:02 AM  
> Derek <3: Spence baby Im sorry I didnt get to say goodnight, we worked through the whole night and I barely even slept   
> Derek <3: I dont think we'll be able to talk much so long as Im on the job but Ill try to squeeze in some time with my honey tonight okay? Have a good day love, hit me back when you can.

* * *

> 10:13 AM  
> Me: It's not any trouble, Derek.
> 
> 10:21 AM  
> Me: Have a good day, love.

* * *

 

February 12th

> 12:07 AM  
> Derek <3: Hey baby you up?
> 
> 12:09 AM  
> Me: Yes! I was waiting to hear from you.
> 
> 12:10 AM  
> Derek <3 Youre too sweet   
> Derek <3: Can I call you? Works so stressful and I need to hear that sweet voice
> 
> 12:12 AM  
> Me: Okay.
> 
> 12:13 AM  
> Derek <3: -incoming call-

_"Hey!”_

_“Aw, hi, handsome. Somebody miss me?”_

_“Oh, but of course. Not sure how I could’ve went on without you.”_

_“Mm. That’s what I like to hear.”_

_“Hey, are you okay? You sound somewhat strained.”_

_“Yeah, sweetheart, I’m fine. Work is just.. Work.”_

_“Anything bothering you in particular?”_

_“Well, there’s this.. Thing.”_

_“Care to extrapolate?”_

_“It’s sort of a puzzle. The pieces won’t fit and it’s.. Frustrating.”_

_“I like puzzles.”_

_“Not that kinda puzzle, pretty boy.”_

_“I can help.”_

_“A yucca chi foment.”_

_“...What?”_

_“A yucca chi foment - that’s the puzzle. I have no idea what it means, and neither does my team. It’s not any language we know, even our linguistics specialist doesn’t recognize it. It’s gotta be some sort of dead language, or-”_

_“Catch me if you can.”_

_“Huh?”_

_“It’s an anagram. Catch me if you can.”_

_“...How on earth did you figure that out?”_

_“I ran it through a certain algorithm in my head and factored out implausible results. It was quite simple once I got the hang of it. Actually, it’s interesting how-”_

_“Spencer.”_

_“Yes?”_

_“You are a genius.”_

_“I- Thank you?”_

_“Baby, seriously. You're so helpful, this changes everything for us. Thank you so, so much. I’m gonna kiss that big brain of yours first chance I get.”_

_“I’d.. Prefer it if your lips connected to other areas of my body, but I think that'll suffice.”_

_“You’re one helluva man, Spencer.”_

_“I try my best.”_

_“I gotta go run this by my boss, baby. I hate to leave you like this.”_

_“It's okay. Make it up to me when you get back?”_

_“Oh, you know I will. Thank you, goodnight!”_

_“Goodnight, hon.”_

-call disconnected-


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "A secret spoken finds wings." - Robert Jordan

**February 13th**

 

> 2:07 PM  
>  Derek <3: Baby boy?
> 
> 2:13 PM  
>  Me: Adjcjdmd
> 
> 2:14 PM  
>  Derek <3: Huh?
> 
> 2:17 PM  
>  Me: I dropped my phone on my face.  
>  Me: Hi.
> 
> 2:20 PM  
>  Me: Stop laughing.
> 
> 2:21 PM  
>  Derek <3: Im laughing with you, not at you baby
> 
> 2:23 PM  
>  Me: Oh, sure, that's what all the kids who used to beat me up would say.
> 
> 2:25 PM  
>  Derek <3: Im only playin sugar
> 
> 2:26 PM  
>  Me: I know. XP  
>  Me: How was work? Did you get the ‘pieces to fit’ so to speak?
> 
> 2:28 PM  
>  Derek <3: I did  
>  Derek <3: Were actually on our way home now
> 
> 2:29 PM  
>  Me: I’m glad.
> 
> 2:31 PM  
>  Derek <3: It'll be a little while but can I call you when Im settled at home?
> 
> 2:32 PM  
>  Me: Sure.
> 
> 2:35 PM  
>  Derek <3: Alright baby gotta go
> 
> 2:36 PM  
>  Me: Be safe. 

* * *

> 9:29 PM
> 
> Derek <3: [INCOMING CALL] 

_“Hello?”_

_“Hey, sweetness.”_

_“Oh, Derek. Hi.”_

_“Something the matter?”_

_“No, no, I just, uh- I fell asleep.”_

_“Aw, baby, I didn't meant to wake you.”_

_“It's okay, really. I wanted to talk to you. I missed you.”_

_“I missed you, too. What'd you do today?”_

_“Well, I didn't have any classes today, so I rearranged my bookshelves. I originally tried to set the books up following the Dewey Decimal Classification, but decided against that. They're in height order, ascending from tallest to shortest left to right. It's more visually appealing than alphabetical.”_

_“That sounds like a lot of work.”_

_“It wasn't too bad. I finished it in time to watch the film adaptation of Flowers in the Attic on Lifetime.”_

_“Oh, I read that series. Was the movie any good?”_

_“Of course not. It’s Lifetime.”_

_“True. That reminds me. Do you have any siblings? And did your grandmother ever lock you in an attic?”_

_“Haha, funny. No biological siblings. You could technically say I have step-siblings from my dad’s er- Other family.”_

_“Other family?”_

_“Yeah, he um- He kinda.. Left. When I was eleven. He married his secretary and adopted her three kids. He’s a great dad to them. I mean, he sure does love paying for their health insurance and college education more than sending me birthday cards.”_

_“Jeez.”_

_“Sorry, I don't know why I said that.”_

_“No, it's okay. He sounds like a real dick.”_

_“Funny. My mom calls him a dildo.”_

_“Your mom sounds like a lovely woman.”_

_“She really is.”_

_“Aw. Momma’s boy? Me too.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“...”_

_“My mom, she's..”_

_“...Spencer?”_

_“Sorry. Um-”_

_“We don't have to talk about that, whatever it is.”_

_“I- Thanks.”_

_“Of course. But I do want to know more about you, you know?”_

_“I think a game of ‘twenty questions’ is in order.”_

_“That's like every bad sexting opener from every average white boy out there.”_

_“...Is ‘twenty questions’ now taboo?”_

_“More like a meme.”_

_“How is it a-”_

_“Forget it, kid. You're too cute.”_

_“Oh. Right, I- Okay. What would you like to ask me?”_

_“Where'd you grow up?”_

_“Las Vegas. You?”_

_“Chicago. You a gambler?”_

_“I’m.. No longer allowed in a multitude of casinos in Vegas. They think I count cards.”_

_“You crack me up.”_

_“Ugh, don't laugh at me.”_

_“Laughing with you, not at you, remember? Your turn.”_

_“What's your favorite memory?”_

_“My favorite memory?”_

_“Yes. Like, from childhood or another significant point in your life.”_

_“Uh- Can we not talk about my childhood..?”_

_“Oh. Oh, I- Fuck, I’m so sorry.”_

_“Don't worry about it, just- Yeah. But, uh, looking back? Probably reading King Arthur with my dad.”_

_“I have fond memories of reading with my mother, as well.”_

_“I’m sure you read circles around her by the time you were seven.”_

_“My reading speed surpassed her’s at age six, so, yes.”_

_“Mm. Still can't believe I got a hot nerd wrapped around my finger. Dreams do come true.”_

_“Who says I’m wrapped around your finger?”_

_“Ouch, you wound me.”_

_“Shut up.”_

_“I can practically hear you blushing.”_

_“You can not, you drama queen.”_

_“Damn, pretty boy coming with the blows at every angle. If I didn't know any better I’d say you hated me.”_

_“Who are you again?”_

_“Funny. What's your favorite movie?”_

_“I don't believe I have one.”_

_“You don't?”_

_“I don't pick favorite anything’s. Every form of entertainment I consume whether it be music, literature, or film leaves an impression on me. They're all my favorites.”_

_“God, you're a geek.”_

_“Don't the kids nowadays say it takes one to know one?”_

_“That is very true. I may be a little bit of a geek.”_

_“What could you of all people possibly like that's geeky?”_

_“Vonnegut?”_

_“That’s level five geek, tops.”_

_“I have a collection of Charlie Chaplin movies on Super8.”_

_“... Okay, that’s reaching level seven territory.”_

_“My friend convinced me to cosplay with her when we went to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I was Finn and she was Rey.”_

_“Shit. You've surpassed level eight and joined me on peak level nine geek platform. I can't believe this.”_

_“‘Told you so. Gonna give you a run for your money now, huh?”_

_“Clearly.”_

_“Mm.”_

_“Hey, Derek?”_

_“Yeah, babe?”_

_“I- I like talking to you. A lot. I’m glad we’re.. This.”_

_“You can call me your boyfriend, you know.”_

_“I-”_

_“If you like. I mean, I'm not telling you what to do. Obviously I'm not the boss of you or anything. Just, you know, feel free to call me whatever, boyfriend, partner, lover, boo, pumpkin, or, obviously, y’know, just Derek would be fine ‘cause that’s my name and all but-”_

_“Derek, shut up.”_

_“Wha-?”_

_“I’ll call you my boyfriend, then.”_

_“Good, because I’ve kinda already been callin’ you mine.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Well, I only did it twice. Once to my friend, and once to the poor sap who messaged me from the site the day before I deleted it. He didn't even have a chance.”_

_“Really?”_

_“You just said that.”_

_“Shut up.”_

_“Or what, you'll gag me?”_

_“Derek!”_

_“Kidding, kidding. But, yes, really. He didn't hold a candle to you.”_

_“Does it bother you?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“That we’re not.. Really together.”_

_“... What are you trying to say?”_

_“No, no, not like that, I just mean- It doesn't upset you that we can't do this in person?”_

_“It doesn't matter, hon. I like what we have here, right now. If we ever meet, I know it'll be just as great.”_

_“When.”_

_“When?”_

_“When we meet. It's not an if, I just.. Don't know when I can. But we will. I’m scared, but I want it. I want you.”_

_“Me too. But I don't want to push you.”_

_“You're not. You're so kind and accommodating. I feel I don't deserve this level of.. Empathy and concern from someone.”_

_“You do. I know it's hard to believe, but you do. And I’m gonna keep telling you that day in and day out.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_“You sound sleepy.”_

_“‘Do not.”_

_“Yes, you do. Get some sleep, baby.”_

_“You too.”_

_“Alright, goodnight, handsome.”_

_“Goodnight, Derek.”_

> [CALL DISCONNECTED] 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The more you share, the more you receive to share." Lailah Gifty Akita


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update! im probably just gonna have a schedule of updating maybe every friday or saturday just because of school. i am homeschooled though so chapters could be up sooner just because i do kind of have the time during the day. anyways, this chapter is pretty ~PG-13~ but i promise it's more funny than sexy lmao. enjoy!

**February 14th**

> 8:13 AM  
> Derek <3: Hey baby
> 
> 8:16 AM  
> Me: Too early.
> 
> 8:18 AM  
> Derek <3: Wha?
> 
> 8:19 AM  
> Me: Too goddamn early to be awake.
> 
> 8:20 AM  
> Derek <3: Someone grumpy today?
> 
> 8:21 AM  
> Me: If by grumpy you mean murderous, yes.
> 
> 8:22 AM  
> Derek <3: AWWW youre like a toddler who missed nappy time
> 
> 8:24 AM  
> Me: Shut the hell your mouth  
> Me: Fuck  
> Me: That's not what I meant to type.   
> Me: I’m so tired.
> 
> 8:26 AM  
> Derek <3: Did you not sleep baby? :/
> 
> 8:28 AM  
> Me: No.
> 
> 8:29 AM  
> Derek <3: Are you alright?  
> Derek <3: Nightmares or anything?
> 
> 8:32 AM  
> Me: No, I was just  
> Me: Restless, you could say.
> 
> 8:33 AM  
> Derek <3: Somethin on your mind?
> 
> 8:36 AM  
> Me: You.
> 
> 8:37 AM  
> Derek <3: Aw baby. Youre so cute   
> Derek <3: And sweet
> 
> 8:39 AM  
> Me: What I was thinking about wasn't necessarily “sweet” nor “cute”.
> 
> 8:41 AM  
> Derek <3: What do you mean?
> 
> 8:43 AM  
> Me: I thought I was supposed to be the oblivious, naïve one in this relationship.   
> Me: Read between the lines here.
> 
> 8:46 AM  
> Derek <3: Oh   
> Derek <3: Oh Lordy
> 
> 8:48 AM  
> Me: Sorry.
> 
> 8:49 AM  
> Derek <3: Dont be sorry baby  
> Derek <3: Ive dealt with my fair share of restless nights over these past weeks myself
> 
> 8:51 AM  
> Me: Seriously?   
> Me: Like, over me?
> 
> 8:52 AM  
> Derek <3: Like over you kid
> 
> 8:54 AM  
> Me: What have you been thinking about?
> 
> 8:56 AM  
> Derek <3: Ill show you mine if you show me yours ;p
> 
> 8:57 AM  
> Me: You're awful.   
> Me: Seriously.
> 
> 8:59 AM  
> Derek <3: Okay okay   
> Derek <3: When Im alone I just always find my thoughts wandering back to you   
> Derek <3: Not that Im not always thinking about you because I am. Its a problem. Seriously.   
> Derek <3: But at night, when Im in bed, I dont have to share you with anybody. Its just you and me there.
> 
> 9:02 AM  
> Me: You’re always on my mind, as well.
> 
> 9:03 AM  
> Derek <3: All good things I hope? :p
> 
> 9:04 AM  
> Me: Very, very good things.
> 
> 9:05 AM  
> Derek <3: Likewise   
> Derek <3: You drive me crazy just in my head. Cant even imagine the things Id want you to do to me, with me, when we ever meet
> 
> 9:07 AM  
> Me: Such as?
> 
> 9:09 AM  
> Derek <3: Mm not until you spill also
> 
> 9:11 AM  
> Me: Seriously?   
> Me: Come on, it was getting good.
> 
> 9:12 AM  
> Derek <3: You know Im a giver baby but I do like to receive every once in awhile ;)
> 
> 9:14 AM  
> Me: I reiterate; you’re awful.   
> Me: But, of course, I feel the same way as you. I always think of you. You're always on the back of my mind whenever I’m doing anything - which is dangerous considering all the thoughts you give me.   
> Me: Like when you sent me that picture the other day. I just about lost it.
> 
> 9:16 AM  
> Derek <3: What, daddy like the gym selfies? ;p
> 
> 9:17 AM  
> Me: Okay, first:  
> Me: Never call me “daddy” ever again.   
> Me: Second:  
> Me: Absolutely.
> 
> 9:19 AM  
> Derek <3: Lmao Im just playing with you  
> Derek <3: I know you like what you see   
> Derek <3 But I dont think you know that the feeling is completely mutual
> 
> 9:21 AM  
> Me: I’m not much to look at.
> 
> 9:22 AM  
> Derek <3: Spencer baby I cant tell you how wrong you are   
> Derek <3: Ive only seen a few pictures of you, only one of your full body, but Id still ride you into the damn sunset   
> Derek <3: Christ you are sexy   
> Derek <3: You look skinny, but I can tell youre packing some muscle under there. Among other things   
> Derek <3: Just. So goddamn hot. Drive me crazy
> 
> 9:25 AM  
> Me: Do you wanna see more?
> 
> 9:26 AM  
> Derek <3: Id wanna see it all baby  
> Derek <3: But you dont have to show me anything ever. Youre not obligated to give me anything. Im not entitled to you. You, your body, is a privilege and a luxury to me, not a necessity or a right. Every day with you is a gift and Ill take what I can get and make the most of it. Got that?
> 
> 9:28 AM  
> Me: The same goes for you.   
> Me: I do want you to see more of me, but I think we've established that I’m quite, uh, “demure”.
> 
> 9:29 AM  
> Derek <3: And thats okay baby  
> Derek <3: You show me whatever you want, even if its just a closeup of your leg hair. Seriously. Id probably nut even with that
> 
> 9:31 AM  
> Me: You are disgusting.
> 
> 9:32 AM  
> Derek <3: Im joking Im joking
> 
> 9:34 AM  
> Me: Give me a moment.
> 
> 9:41 AM  
> Me: -multimedia message-
> 
> 9:44 AM  
> Derek <3: Christ Spencer   
> Derek <3: Gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous   
> Derek <3: I was so right. The geek has muscle!
> 
> 9:46 AM  
> Me: Very funny.
> 
> 9:47 AM  
> Derek <3: Its sexy   
> Derek <3: Youre sexy.   
> Derek <3: God the definition in your chest. And look at those arms. Wanna feel them around me, those hands on my waist as I climb into your lap
> 
> 9:50 AM  
> Me: I’m blushing. I’m not quite sure what to say.
> 
> 9:51 AM  
> Derek <3: Thats okay. We can stop
> 
> 9:52 AM  
> Me: I don't want to.
> 
> 9:53 AM  
> Derek <3: You promise to let me know if this gets outta hand and you wanna stop. You always have the right to say no Spence. Always.
> 
> 9:54 AM  
> Me: I know. I promise.
> 
> 9:55 AM  
> Derek <3: Good   
> Derek <3: I cant tell you how bad I want you   
> Derek <3: How many times I imagine your hands on me, your lips on my skin
> 
> 9:57 AM  
> Me: I’d want to feel every inch of you.   
> Me: You’re so beautiful.
> 
> 9:59 AM  
> Derek <3: I dont hold a candle to my baby   
> Derek <3: Youre perfect. I wanna worship you, show you how much you deserve to be desired, to be loved   
> Derek <3: I wanna make you feel good. Can I?
> 
> 10:01 AM  
> Me: I’m all yours.
> 
> 10:03 AM  
> Derek <3: I like to hear that  
> Derek <3: Id run my hands up and down your sides, just to feel all that beautiful skin  
> Derek <3: Then Id lean in to give you little kisses all down your neck your sharp, sexy jaw  
> Derek <3: You like having your neck kissed?
> 
> 10:05 AM  
> Me: Absolutely.   
> Me: Your lips look so soft, just like the rest of you.   
> Me: I can't wait until I can get my hands on you - until I get to hold you as you writhe in my lap, or hold your face while you lay beneath me.
> 
> 10:07 AM  
> Derek <3: Lets be real, youve got a dirty mouth and such a way with words that I dont know if I wanna jerk off or analyze the literary devices in these texts
> 
> 10:08 AM  
> Me: Why not both?
> 
> 10:09 AM  
> Derek <3: Well Im not too great of a multitasker and Ive already gotten a head start on one of the things listed above so
> 
> 10:11 AM  
> Me: Already?
> 
> 10:12 AM  
> Derek <3: Yes. Told you you drive me crazy
> 
> 10:14 AM  
> Me: Likewise.  
> Me: May I see?
> 
> 10:15 AM  
> Derek <3: You most certainly “may”  
> Derek <3: -multimedia message-
> 
> 10:18 AM  
> Me: I’m  
> Me: Oh god
> 
> 10:19 AM  
> Derek <3: You like?
> 
> 10:21 AM  
> Me: Yes   
> Me: I just kinda
> 
> 10:23 AM  
> Derek <3: Hm?
> 
> 10:25 AM  
> Me: I  
> Me: Finished   
> Me: This is incredibly embarrassing   
> Me: Holy shit
> 
> 10:27 AM  
> Derek <3: Oh  
> Derek <3: Oh my god wow
> 
> 10:29 AM  
> Me: You have every right to never wish to speak to me ever again.
> 
> 10:30 AM  
> Derek <3: Are you kidding? That was so totally sexy   
> Derek <3: I literally made you come with one picture of my dick and a couple PG-13 words   
> Derek <3: Thats one hell of a confidence booster
> 
> 10:33 AM  
> Me: I’m so sorry.  
> Me: I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life.
> 
> 10:34 AM  
> Derek <3: Baby I told you, theres nothing to be embarrassed about   
> Derek <3: Youre incredibly hot
> 
> 10:36 AM  
> Me: I’ve never finished prematurely. I guess it's just been so long that I couldn't hold out another minute.   
> Me: God why are you so sexy you're ruining my life
> 
> 10:37 AM  
> Derek <3: Shush Im the best thing to ever happen to you pretty boy ;p
> 
> 10:39 AM  
> Me: Well, you're not wrong.
> 
> 10:41 AM  
> Derek <3: Awww sweetheart   
> Derek <3: I feel the same way. Talking to you is my favorite part of the day, and I hate going to sleep because then I dont get to talk to you  
> Derek <3: I care for you so deeply Spencer please know that
> 
> 10:43 AM  
> Me: I do. I definitely do.
> 
> 10:44 AM  
> Derek <3: Good. <3
> 
> 10:46 AM  
> Me: We’re kind of having a heartfelt conversation while I have ejaculate cooling rapidly on my stomach so I’m gonna cut this short and go take a shower.
> 
> 10:47 AM  
> Derek <3: Oh my god lmao  
> Derek <3: Have fun you chicken choker
> 
> 10:48 AM  
> Me: Says you.
> 
> 10:49 AM  
> Derek <3: Shut up dork
> 
> 10:50 AM  
> Me: Never. >:)
> 
> 10:52 AM  
> Derek <3: Lmao youre too funny   
> Derek <3: Alright go get cleaned up baby
> 
> 10:53 AM  
> Me: Talk to you soon.
> 
> 10:54 AM  
> Derek <3: <3 <3 <3

* * *

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short ish, more serious chapter. trigger warnings for the depiction of spencer's childhood sexual assault.

**February 14th**

> 11:21 AM  
> Me: Hey, hon.
> 
> 11:23 AM  
> Derek <3: Aw welcome back baby   
> Derek <3: I love when you call me little names like that. So sweet
> 
> 11:25 AM  
> Me: I have trouble being affectionate sometimes.
> 
> 11:26 AM  
> Derek <3: Its alright sweetheart I get it   
> Derek <3: If I get too overbearing with it just tell me
> 
> 11:27 AM  
> Me: You don't. I enjoy your affection.
> 
> 11:28 AM  
> Derek <3: Likewise baby
> 
> 11:30 AM  
> Me: What are you up to today?
> 
> 11:31 AM  
> Derek <3: Day off. Just relaxin  
> Derek <3: I got to take care of business while you were in the shower ;)
> 
> 11:34 AM  
> Me: It still surprises me sometimes you're sexually attracted to me to the point where you're masturbating to the thought of me.   
> Me: Not that I mind. I definitely, absolutely, do not mind at all.
> 
> 11:36 AM  
> Derek <3: I wish you saw you they way I do
> 
> 11:37 AM  
> Me: I’m trying, it's just  
> Me: I don't think I’m ugly, per se, it’s just hard to imagine people seeing me as a sexual being when it took me so long to think of myself that way.
> 
> 11:40 AM  
> Derek <3: I understand love  
> Derek <3: To be honest I was the opposite   
> Derek <3: By fifteen I thought all I was good for was sex. I felt like everyone was looking at me like an object  
> Derek <3: But thats cause of.. Yknow
> 
> 11:42 AM  
> Derek <3: But after that, after my accident, I almost felt better about the fact that no one seemed to look at me that way cause of how theyre always desexualizing the disabled, but it got frustrating. Took me a long time to find that balance
> 
> 11:45 AM  
> Me: Derek, I’m sorry.
> 
> 11:46 AM  
> Derek <3: Why baby? You didnt do anything
> 
> 11:48 AM  
> Me: I just sympathize with all the terrible things you've experienced.
> 
> 11:50 AM  
> Derek <3: Im okay now love
> 
> 11:53 AM  
> Me: Can I share something with you?   
> Me: I don't want to trigger you, though.
> 
> 11:54 AM  
> Derek <3: Ive worked through my triggers baby. You share whatever you want with me   
> Derek <3: But I dont wanna pry either
> 
> 11:55 AM  
> Me: You’re not.
> 
> 11:56 AM  
> Derek <3: Alright hon whenever youre ready
> 
> 12:02 PM  
> Me: Okay.  
> Me: Ah  
> Me: I guess I should start from the beginning?
> 
> 12:03 PM  
> Derek <3: Whatever you want to do
> 
> 12:05 PM  
> Me: Right, okay.  
> Me: So, I think you can guess from my, uh, “accolades” that I attended college quite early.   
> Me: I was twelve when I graduated high school.
> 
> 12:07 PM  
> Derek <3: So proud of you kid.
> 
> 12:08 PM  
> Me: Thank you.   
> Me: You can imagine it was hard, being twelve years old and sharing a classroom, a restroom, locker room, etcetera, with other students who were well into their teen years.   
> Me: I didn't have friends; no one wanted to speak to me. They were either intimidated by my presence, or just thought I was downright weird. Add my age, my level of intelligence, my physical appearance, my social status - coming from a single parent household with an ill mother - and my autism spectrum disorder, I was a big, red target. I was kicked, pushed, punched, spit on, and teased maliciously for all my three years there.   
> Me: One day I guess the physical abuse became boring to them, so they had to get more creative.
> 
> 12:14 PM  
> Me: This is really hard.
> 
> 12:15 PM  
> Derek <3: Its okay kid, Im here
> 
> 12:19 PM  
> Me: I really, really liked this girl. Her name was Alexa. She was a senior, very popular, and so, so pretty. She was the first person I ever developed a crush on, outside of my weird infatuation with Nikola Tesla, but that's beside the point.   
> Me: Her best friend came up to me in the library one time and told me Alexa wanted me to meet her behind the gym. She was really nice about it, too, smiling, touching my arm and whatnot. I was so excited. No one ever paid attention to me like that.   
> Me: So, I went outside and saw her waiting there for me. She smiled at me, waved me over to her. She was flirting with me, I guess. She told me she knew I liked her, and she knew I was “inexperienced”, so to speak. She asked me if I ever kissed anyone, and I said no. She said she’d kiss me if I wanted her to. I closed my eyes and waited for it, but the only thing I felt were two arms grabbing me from behind.   
> Me: Someone pulled me away from her and dragged me into the football field. I heard laughter, loud, coming from all around me. I looked around as best as I could and saw that almost the entirety of the senior class was there, just watching me.
> 
> 12:26 PM  
> Me: They took all my clothes off and tied me naked to the goalpost. Then they just stood there and watched. They laughed, they threw things at me, poked and prodded me with sticks.   
> Me: One of them grabbed me. Groped me.   
> Me: They left me there alone in the dark once they got bored. It was midnight when I finally got myself down and made my way home.   
> Me: My mom didn't have the capacity to care at the time. I never told her. I never told anyone.
> 
> 12:29 PM  
> Derek <3: Spencer Im so sorry   
> Derek <3: You were just a little kid. You didnt deserve any of that.
> 
> 12:31 PM  
> Me: Thank you.
> 
> 12:32 PM  
> Derek <3: You deserve so much better than what the world has given you
> 
> 12:34 PM  
> Me: I’m okay. I have you.
> 
> 12:36 PM  
> Derek <3: You mean a lot to me
> 
> 12:37 PM  
> Me: Me too.
> 
> 12:39 PM  
> Derek <3: Im so happy youre in my life Spencer
> 
> 12:42 PM  
> Me: I don't want to say “me too” again but.. Me too.
> 
> 12:43 PM  
> Derek <3: Lmao   
> Derek <3: My pup is at the door cryin so I better walk him
> 
> 12:44 PM  
> Me: Alright, have fun.  
> Me: Babe.
> 
> 12:45 PM  
> Derek <3: Lol I will  
> Derek <3: “Babe” ;)
> 
> 12:47 PM  
> Me: <3
> 
> 12:48 PM  
> Derek <3: <3


	14. Chapter 14

**February 14th**

> 1:27 PM  
>  Emily: hey boy wonder
> 
> 1:29 PM  
>  Me: Hey, Em.
> 
> 1:30 PM  
>  Emily: how are u doing?
> 
> 1:33 PM  
>  Me: That's a purposefully loaded question.
> 
> 1:35 PM  
>  Emily: u got me  
>  Emily: ur surrogate momma put me up to this
> 
> 1:37 PM  
>  Me: Tell her I'm fine.
> 
> 1:38 PM  
>  Emily: tell her urself  
>  Emily: do lunch with us
> 
> 1:42 PM  
>  Me: I'm busy.
> 
> 1:43 PM  
>  Emily: no ur not i see ur car
> 
> 1:45 PM  
>  Me: What  
>  Me: Are you at my complex?
> 
> 1:46 PM  
>  Emily: yep and we're coming up
> 
> 1:47 PM  
>  Me: EMILY I'M NOT DRESSED
> 
> 1:48 PM  
>  Emily: too bad knock knock motherfucker we brought Thai

* * *

 

> 2:01 PM  
>  Derek <3: Honey Im home :p
> 
> 2:38 PM  
>  Me: Sorry, I just saw this.  
>  Me: I've barely gotten a moment to myself.
> 
> 2:39 PM  
>  Derek <3: Why whats up?
> 
> 2:41 PM  
>  Me: My friends brought over lunch to “surprise” me. I was definitely surprised, just not how they intended.
> 
> 2:43 PM  
>  Derek <3: Are you okay?
> 
> 2:46 PM  
>  Me: Overwhelmed.  
>  Me: I suppose this is better than being dragged outside by my hair, but not by much.
> 
> 2:47 PM  
>  Derek <3: Im sorry baby
> 
> 2:48 PM  
>  Me: It's okay. I just can't wait until I get to really sit down and talk to you.  
>  Me: I keep thinking about this morning.
> 
> 2:50 PM  
>  Derek <3: Which part? ;p
> 
> 2:51 PM  
>  Me: You know which part.  
>  Me: I want to do that again - properly the next time.
> 
> 2:52 PM  
>  Derek <3: Oh? Pretty boy wanna play a little later tonight? ;)  
>  Derek <3: You gonna show me who’s boss?
> 
> 3:09 PM  
>  Derek <3: Have I lost you once again :’(
> 
> 3:16 PM  
>  Me: DEREK I’M GOING TO DIE
> 
> 3:18 PM  
>  Derek <3: What whats wrong????
> 
> 3:20 PM  
>  Me: MY FRIENDS SAW THAT TEXT
> 
> 3:22 PM  
>  Derek <3: Oh my god LOL
> 
> 3:23 PM  
>  Me: Not “LOL”! I’m mortified!  
>  Me: And I got a lecture.
> 
> 3:24 PM  
>  Derek <3: They need to relax Im sure they send dirty texts all the time
> 
> 3:26 PM  
>  Me: It wasn't about that.
> 
> 3:28 PM  
>  Derek <3: Then what hon?
> 
> 3:31 PM  
>  Me: They said we’re not in a real relationship. Well, JJ said that. Emily says you're just a liar.
> 
> 3:32 PM  
>  Derek <3: Seriously?
> 
> 3:34 PM  
>  Me: Seriously. It’s so ironic and uncalled for considering the fact that they were the ones who pushed me to make a dating profile.  
>  Me: And now that I have you they're saying it isn't “real”. What I feel is real, that's for certain.
> 
> 3:35 PM  
>  Me: Sorry, I’m just a little angry.
> 
> 3:36 PM  
>  Derek <3: Its alright baby but I dont want you getting into arguments with your friends over me. You dont have to defend my honor Im a big boy
> 
> 3:38 PM  
>  Me: I’m trying more to defend myself than anything else. I’m sick of being babied. All my life it's been that way. Everyone sees me as a kid who can't take care of himself and I’m not sure if it's because of my agoraphobia, my Aspergers, or my literal age, but I’m sick of it. So, I may have went off on a little rant.
> 
> 3:40 PM  
>  Derek <3: Im sorry sweetheart
> 
> 3:41 PM  
>  Me: It’s fine.  
>  Me: I’m emotionally exhausted. I think I might need to just relax for a bit.
> 
> 3:42 PM  
>  Derek <3: Thats a good idea baby  
>  Derek <3: Why dont you turn your phone off? Focus on yourself
> 
> 3:45 PM  
>  Me: You don't mind that I’m not in the mood to talk?
> 
> 3:46 PM  
>  Derek <3: Of course not. Everybody has those days where they wanna be left alone. You do you boo Ill still be here when you get back
> 
> 3:48 PM  
>  Me: I know I say this quite often, but thank you for always being understanding.
> 
> 3:49 PM  
>  Derek <3: No problem my love  
>  Derek <3: Go take some me time
> 
> 3:50 PM  
>  Me: Okay. <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drama incoming!
> 
> just an add on: ive gotten a lot of writing done over these past few days so you guys might see the next chapter sooner than a week. fingers crossed!

**February 15th**

> 9:26 AM  
>  Me: Good morning, Derek.
> 
> 10:02 AM  
>  Derek <3: Hey babe I just saw this now sorry, at work
> 
> 10:09 AM  
>  Me: That’s okay, so am I - unfortunately.
> 
> 10:10 AM  
>  Derek <3: You doing ok?
> 
> 10:13 AM  
>  Me: Besides the nausea, shortness of breath, vertigo, and the panic attack I had in the bathroom an hour ago, I’m fine.  
>  Me: That was facetious. I’m not fine.
> 
> 10:15 AM  
>  Derek <3: Im so sorry baby
> 
> 10:16 AM  
>  Me: It’s okay.  
>  Me: I’ll try to see if I can get out of my 1:30 class so I can leave after my 10:30.
> 
> 10:17 AM  
>  Derek <3: You should get back to work hon
> 
> 10:18 AM  
>  Me: I know. I just wanted a few moments with you.
> 
> 10:20 AM  
>  Derek <3: You make me smile like a fool kid  
>  Derek <3: How bout I call you tonight when Im finished up at work?
> 
> 10:21 AM  
>  Me: I’d love that.
> 
> 10:22 AM  
>  Derek <3: Me too baby  
>  Derek <3: You go teach the fuck outta those kids for me ;p <3
> 
> 10:24 AM  
>  Me: Will do.  
>  Me: Talk to you later, sweetheart.
> 
> 10:25 AM  
>  Derek <3: :D

* * *

>  11:13 PM
> 
> Derek <3: [INCOMING CALL]

_“Hey!”_

_“Hi, baby. How was your class?”_

_“It went alright. I got out of my 1:30, thankfully.”_

_“I’m glad. You take some time to relax today?”_

_“Yes. I definitely did.”_

_“Oh?”_

_“I, may have, um, self-indulged.”_

_“Did you now?”_

_“Hush.”_

_“Alright, I won't tease.”_

_“Thank God.”_

_“Yeah, but you can just call me Derek.”_

_“Shut up, dork.”_

_“Come over here and make me, big boy.”_

_“You're the absolute worst, did you know that?”_

_“It may have been mentioned once or twice before.”_

_“Right.”_

_“Anyways, how are you feeling?”_

_“I’m alright.”_

_“Are you?”_

_“I am. Promise.”_

_“Alright, good. Can't have my pretty boy feelin’ sad, that means I’m not doing my job right.”_

_“You always make me happy.”_

_“You're sweet, baby.”_

_“Likewise.”_

_“Oh, I am. I know you're dying to get a taste of this.”_

_“Derek! What did I say?”_

_“Sorry, sorry. Couldn't resist.”_

_“Such a dog.”_

_“You could always collar me like one.”_

_“I’m going to hang up on you.”_

_“No, you're not.”_

_“... Goddamnit.”_

_“So cute.”_

_“That's you.”_

_“You flatter me. So, what'd you do today? Besides disappoint Jesus?”_

_“Funny. Nothing, really. I graded a few papers. Some of these kids.. I don't know how they even got scholarships”_

_“How bad is it?”_

_“Bad, Derek. So bad. His closing argument was, ‘I actually don't even pay attention in your class and I’m really high right now so, the end.’”_

_“I mean, the honesty is noble.”_

_“Most definitely. How’s your day going?”_

_“Good. Lazy Sunday with my pup. It's a cuddle fest over here.”_

_“‘Wish I was there.”_

_“What was that?”_

_“I said I wish I was there. With you. And the dog. Despite my dislike for animals.”_

_“First, Clooney is not an animal. He's my baby. Second, you know I’d love to have you here.”_

_“... Is- is he actually your child?”_

_“Spencer, oh my God. No, I didn't procreate with a dog. Christ, I’m cracking up over here.”_

_“I somehow thought you were trying to drop a hint that you were, like, a single dad.”_

_“No kids, baby. Very fat chance of that. I’ve only slept with two women, just a handful of times. I would like them, though._

_“Me as well. Um- Maeve and I were talking about maybe adopting before.. Well..”_

_“I’m really sorry, baby.”_

_“You didn't do anything, Der.”_

_“Still. I know how hard that's gotta be. You know I’m always here, right?”_

_“I know, hon.”_

_“Good.”_

_“Mm.”_

_“‘Love you.”_

_“... What?”_

_“...”_

_“Derek?”_

_“Gotta go, bye.”_

_“Wai-”_

> [CALL DISCONNECTED]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I love you like the plant that does not bloom  
> and carries in itself, hidden, the light of those flowers." Pablo Neruda


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as promised, this chapter is a few days early! its sort of a longer chapter that spans over the course of maybe a few days. i have some chapters written in advance that are like this with the time jumps and whatnot. anyways, this whole chapter is just drama, drama, drama, angst, fluff, and end scene. i hope you all like it!!
> 
> also, im putting a TW here just in case; theres mention of dereks abuse and briefly how that affected his relationships with others.

**February 16th**

> 12:02 PM  
>  Me: Hey.
> 
> 12:19 PM  
>  Me: So, about last night..
> 
> 12:23 PM  
>  Me: Can we talk about that?

* * *

 

**February 17th**

> 4:06 PM  
>  Me: [OUTGOING CALL]
> 
> 4:07 PM  
>  Derek <3: [CALL DISCONNECTED]
> 
> 4:12 PM  
>  Me: You can't just ignore me.  
>  Me: You know I heard you.
> 
> 4:30 PM  
>  Me: Derek, can we please just talk?

* * *

 

> 6:00 PM  
>  Me: You're being an ass about this.  
>  Me: Call me back.

* * *

 

> 9:55 PM  
>  Me: [OUTGOING CALL]

_“...”_

“Hello?”

_“...”_

“Derek, I can hear you breathing.”

_“No, you can't.”_

“Christ, will you just talk to me?”

_“I’ve actually gotta go.. Wash my hair. Bye”_

“You don't have hair.”

_“... I’ve gotta water my.. Oven.”_

“Stop it.”

_“Okay, fine. What do you want?”_

“I want you to talk to me!”

_“We are talking.”_

“No, we’re not!”

_“Well, I’m talking. You're yelling.”_

“Because you frustrate me!”

_“...”_

“Please, just- You know what this is about. Can we please talk?”

_“Fine.”_

“Fine?”

_“Fine!”_

“Fine!”

_“I love you, you stupid idiot.”_

“...”

_“...”_

“You have a funny way of showing it.”

_“Fuck off.”_

“I’m not trying to tease you, Derek.”

_“I already feel like shit, you don't have to rub it in.”_

“What the hell are you talking about?”

_“Look, I get that you think I’m moving too fast and being overly clingy so just- Whatever, just don't-”_

“You're not.”

_“What?”_

“You're not moving too fast, and you're not being clingy.”

_“So, what're you trying to say?”_

“I’m trying to say.. I love you too, you stupid idiot.”

_“...”_

“...”

_“...”_

“Oh, no. We are not playing this game again, Derek. Let's talk.”

_“I don't know what to say. I’m sorry.”_

“Why?”

_“For having a freak out.”_

“It's okay.”

_“It's not. You just make me feel so many things and I don't know what to do with those feelings. They're.. Intense. I haven't felt this way about anyone before.”_

“Neither have I.”

_“You're my first real boyfriend.”_

“...What?”

_“Fuck, that really doesn't help my ‘hot stud’ reputation, does it?”_

“Well, you're still very hot. But what do you mean by ‘real’ boyfriend?”

_“I mean, a serious one. One I love. One I.. See a future with.”_

“You mean that…?”

_“What? Of course. I know we’re moving really fast but I caught feelings for you the second I read your profile. I debated contacting you for weeks.”_

“You? Shy? What is this, the twilight zone?”

_“Boy, shut up, I’m trying to be serious.”_

“Okay.”

_“I just- I could see that wonderful personality even just from your about and I knew I had to get to know you. And I’m really, really glad I did.”_

“When did you know?”

_“Huh?”_

“When did you know you were.. In love with me?”

_“The night I told you about my past. About.. You know.”_

“Your abuse.”

_“Yes. And just everything else, too. About my depression, my PTSD, my insecurities about my leg. You were just so kind to me. Not many people want to date the emotionally damaged guy missing a leg, but that didn't deter you, and I know that's a low standard and I deserve respect but it's just so rare to find that.”_

“You are not damaged.”

_“‘Not what I been told.”_

“What do you mean?”

_“I um- I had one semi-serious boyfriend, before you. We actually broke up a few months before I started my profile, and I honestly just wanted some hookups here and there, just to get over what happened with him.”_

“What was it that happened?”

_“Uh..”_

“Did he- Derek, did he hurt you?”

_“No, not in the way you're thinking. Well, sort of. I don't know. It wasn't like what happened to me when I was little.”_

“Okay.”

_“I’m being vague and I should just talk about instead of being cowardly, because you make me brave and you deserve to know.”_

“Whatever you want to share with me, I’ll listen.”

_“Right. Uh- His name was Ray, we met through a friend of a friend sort of thing. He was really sweet, really flirty, and really accommodating after he found out about my leg. We had a good time together, but we weren't.. Intimate. There was something about having sex with someone I actually cared that deeply for that terrified me. I had gotten around to overcoming my fear- I don't know if that's the right word but, you know, my fear of sex, but that was different. That was casual dating, short term flings and hookups. Nothing where I really almost.. Loved my partner. I’m sorry, I’m getting a little choked up over here.”_

“It's okay, Derek, we can stop talking about this if you aren't ready.”

_“No, I wanna tell you.”_

“Okay, but only if you want to, not because you feel obligated.”

_“I know, baby, I know. So, um- We had been together for awhile when I noticed he was getting really irritable around me. After a few weeks passed I finally confronted him and he told me he was angry with me because he thought I didn't feel the same way he did, that I wasn't attracted to him. I told him of course I was, asked why he thought different. And he said it was because we hadn't had sex, hadn't even been naked around each other. I tried to tell him it wasn't like that, but he just got mad and stormed off. We didn't talk for another couple of weeks, then when we finally reconciled I.. Compromised.”_

“Derek..”

_“I told him we could.. Do things together, that I’d like to touch him, but I didn’t want him to touch me. Needless to say, he broke that rule. ‘Climbed on top of me in the heat of the moment, and I flipped out. ‘Had a huge panic attack and while I was crying and he was yelling at me, I just sorta blurted out what happened. He looked shocked, but then he went stone-faced and just.. Left. ‘Cut me completely, we never spoke again. No explanation just.. Gone.”_

“I am so sorry, Derek, no one deserves that, especially not you.”

_“I should've been upfront with him, but it was too painful. I hate being pitied, about that, about my disability. It’s infuriating.”_

“I understand.”

_“I know you do, Spencer, and that's why I love you, because you get it. You get me and you're just so good to me. I really lucked out here.”_

“I think you kinda got the short end of the stick.”

_“No, baby, I really don't deserve someone like you. Lucky you're too dumb to see that.”_

“Hey! Remind me just how many PhD’s _you_ have!”

_“Point taken, smartass.”_

“Ah. I love you. You know?”

_“I know, kid. I know.”_

“Good.”

_“It's late..”_

“You tired?”

_“Very. I kinda tuckered myself out. ‘Been crying a little about this, but I’m okay, promise. It was good to get it out.”_

“I’m glad. Make sure you get yourself some water and a cool cloth. You don't want to wake up dehydrated with puffy eyes.”

_“Okay, dad, thanks.”_

“Stop it.”

_“Make me.”_

“I will hang up on you, Derek.”

_“Lies.”_

“Okay, okay. Come on, get to bed now.”

_“Alright, baby. Goodnight. I- I love you.”_

“Me too.”

_“‘Night.”_

> [CALL DISCONNECTED]


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter, back on my old update schedule! 
> 
> spencer and derek are planning to meet, but will we see a happy ending, or will there be trouble in paradise? who knows. not me. definitely not me.

**February 18th**

 

> 12:03 PM  
>  Me: Hey, love.
> 
> 12:17 PM  
>  Derek <3: Hey baby how are you??
> 
> 12:19 PM  
>  Me: I’m good. Sleep okay?
> 
> 12:20 PM  
>  Derek <3: Definitely I was exhausted
> 
> 12:21 PM  
>  Me: Last night must've been hard for you. I’m sorry.
> 
> 12:22 PM  
>  Derek <3: Dont be sorry  
>  Derek <3: I feel amazing
> 
> 12:25 PM  
>  Me: You do?
> 
> 12:26 PM  
>  Derek <3: I do. I feel so.. light  
>  Derek <3: Im just so happy that you feel the way you do about me
> 
> 12:27 PM  
>  Me: You mean how I’m in love with you.
> 
> 12:29 PM  
>  Derek <3: Yeah that ;p  
>  Derek <3: Love you a lot kid
> 
> 12:31 PM  
>  Me: Me too.
> 
> 12:33 PM  
>  Derek <3: Im gonna be sayin that everyday now every chance I get  
>  Derek <3: Makes me feel so mushy but in the best way
> 
> 12:35 PM  
>  Me: Well, I enjoy hearing it. So, that's a win for both of us.
> 
> 12:36 PM  
>  Derek <3: :p
> 
> 12:37 PM  
>  Me: How are you doing?
> 
> 12:38 PM  
>  Derek <3: Im really good baby
> 
> 12:40 PM  
>  Me: Did last night bring up any.. Bad memories?
> 
> 12:43 PM  
>  Derek <3: Spence if youre asking if you triggered me the answer is no  
>  Derek <3: Yes I had to think about it and yes it was hard but it wasnt like how my flashbacks used to be  
>  Derek <3: If that ever happened again Id let you know immediately
> 
> 12:45 PM  
>  Me: You don't have an obligation to let me know.
> 
> 12:46 PM  
>  Derek <3: I know I dont but Id like to because I do know youll always be there for me  
>  Derek <3: Everythings always a lot easier with you by my side kid
> 
> 12:48 PM  
>  Me: Alright.
> 
> 12:49 PM  
>  Derek <3: <333  
>  Derek <3: Im working on something with my team today baby so text time is gonna be cut a little short. Ill hit you up later tonight?
> 
> 12:50 PM  
>  Me: I’ll see you then.
> 
> 12:52 PM  
>  Me: I love you.
> 
> 12:53 PM  
>  Derek <3: Aww  
>  Derek <3: Love you too sweetheart
> 
> 12:54 PM  
>  Me: :)

* * *

 

>  3:28 PM  
>  JJ: Hey..
> 
> 3:30 PM  
>  Me: Hello, Jennifer.
> 
> 3:32 PM  
>  JJ: Ouch. I’m Jennifer now.
> 
> 3:33 PM  
>  Me: That's your name, isn't it?
> 
> 3:35 PM  
>  JJ: Spence. Come on.
> 
> 3:38 PM  
>  Me: What do you want?
> 
> 3:40 PM  
>  JJ: I want to apologize. For everything that happened.  
>  JJ: We shouldn't have bombarded u like that. And I’m sorry.
> 
> 3:44 PM  
>  Me: I accept your apology.
> 
> 3:46 PM  
>  JJ: Do u?
> 
> 3:48 PM  
>  Me: Yes.  
>  Me: I can't stay mad at you.
> 
> 3:49 PM  
>  JJ: ^~^  
>  JJ: U know I love u right?  
>  JJ: I’m just looking out 4 U.
> 
> 3:51 PM  
>  Me: I do forgive you, but you still really hurt me.
> 
> 3:52 PM  
>  JJ: U mean about “Derek”.
> 
> 3:53 PM  
>  Me: Don't put his name in quotations like he's just a concept. He's a real person who I have real feelings for.
> 
> 3:55 PM  
>  JJ: I didn't mean that. I’m sorry.  
>  JJ: I just don't want u to get hurt.
> 
> 3:56 PM  
>  Me: No matter how much you like to mother me, I am still a grown man; I can handle myself.
> 
> 3:58 PM  
>  JJ: I’ve just seen what losing someone did to u before. And I never want to see u that low ever again.
> 
> 4:00 PM  
>  JJ: It was so scary, Spence. My friend was hurting so bad and I couldn't do anything. So I just worry that it will happen again and u will b destroyed.  
>  JJ: I’m even afraid u might hurt yrself…
> 
> 4:01 PM  
>  Me: I wouldn't do that.  
>  Me: I really trust him, JJ. He's sincere, and he's always honest with me about everything. He’s incredibly kind. He listens to me. I mean, he really listens, and he gets it. I’ve never met anyone like him before.
> 
> 4:03 PM  
>  JJ: U really do like him, huh?
> 
> 4:04 PM  
>  Me: Very much so.
> 
> 4:07 PM  
>  JJ: Are U gonna meet him…?
> 
> 4:11 PM  
>  Me: I don't know if I can.
> 
> 4:13 PM  
>  JJ: I believe in u. Yr a strong person, Spencer.
> 
> 4:15 PM  
>  Me: Sometimes things like these need a little bit more than just strength and support.
> 
> 4:17 PM  
>  JJ: OK. I will always be here if u need me.
> 
> 4:18 PM  
>  Me: I know, J.
> 
> 4:21 PM  
>  JJ: <33 Love u  
>  JJ: But I GTG. Emily just came out of the shower and I hear her clipping her nails so something's about 2 go down. Toodles.
> 
> 4:22 PM  
>  Me: Thanks for that image.
> 
> 4:23 PM  
>  JJ: ;*

* * *

 

 

> 8:19 PM  
>  Derek <3: Hey baby Im on my way home
> 
> 8:31 PM  
>  Derek <3: Cant wait to hear from you <3 

* * *

 

**February 19th**

 

> 12:02 AM  
>  Derek <3: I just got home and I know youre asleep but I just wanted to say goodnight  
>  Derek <3: And an “I love you” for good measure ;p
> 
> 12:14 AM  
>  Derek <3: Sleep well baby

* * *

>  3:07 AM  
>  Me: [OUTGOING CALL]

* * *

 

_“‘Lo?”_

“Hi.”

_“Spence?”_

“Correct.”

_“Whaddya need, ‘was wrong?”_

“Nothing.”

_“Somethin’ is’, ‘is 3 AM. Tell me.”_

“I want to meet you.”

_“...What?”_

“I want to meet you - in person.”

_“Uh, I’m a lil busy right now, kid.”_

“I don't mean now.”

_“‘Kay. Uh- what brought this on?”_

“Just doing some introspection.”

_“Baby, not that I’m not thrilled, but don't you think you're pushin’ yourself?”_

“No. I can handle it.”

_“Are you sure?”_

“Yes, I’m sure. Why does everyone keep doubting me?”

_“I didn't mean it like that, I’m sorry.”_

“It's okay. But I do want to meet you. Soon.”

_“I- I have a few days of paid leave. Would you wanna..?”_

“Yes. Yeah. Yes, please.”

_“Okay. When?”_

“Um- I actually don't have class tomorrow.”

_“Tomorrow?”_

“Yeah, if- if that's okay.”

_“Of course it's okay.”_

“You don't sound excited.”

_“I am! I am, baby, really.”_

“But..?”

_“I just don't want you to push yourself too hard.”_

“I’ll be fine. I’ll be with you.”

_“Okay.”_

“I’ll let you sleep and we can talk about this when the sun is actually up.”

_“Yeah, sounds like a good idea. You get some rest, my love.”_

“I- I will.”

_“Good. Goodnight, Spencer.”_

“Goodnight.”

 

> [CALL DISCONNECTED]


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.” ― Henry David Thoreau

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst angst angst! ah, its like if you say my name three times in front of a mirror i show up and punch you in the face with some drama. real rocky roads ahead. i hope you all enjoy :')  
> also for clarity's sake: during phone calls, JJ's lines are italicized, while spencer's are kept in normal text.

**February 19th**

> 9:13 AM  
> Derek <3: Good morning
> 
> 9:16 AM  
>  Me: Hiya.
> 
> 9:18 AM  
>  Derek <3: :) How you doin baby? You sleep?
> 
> 9:19 AM  
>  Me: No.  
>  Me: Too excited.
> 
> 9:21 AM  
>  Derek <3: Yeah me neither
> 
> 9:23 AM  
>  Derek <3: You really wanna do this today?
> 
> 9:24 AM  
>  Me: I’m positive I do.  
>  Me: But you don't seem like you do.
> 
> 9:27 AM  
>  Derek <3: I really really want to baby. I promise  
>  Derek <3: Im just worried that itll be too much for you  
>  Derek <3: And that even if it isnt, Ill be a let down..
> 
> 9:29 AM  
>  Me: Nothing about you could ever be a let down.
> 
> 9:30 AM  
>  Derek <3: I love you kid
> 
> 9:32 AM  
>  Me: I love you, too.
> 
> 9:35 AM  
>  Derek <3: Then how does 12:00 at Mel’s Cafe sound?
> 
> 9:36 AM  
>  Me: It sounds wonderful.
> 
> 9:37 AM  
>  Derek <3: :) <3  
>  Derek <3: You been before?
> 
> 9:38 AM  
>  Me: No, but I know where it is.  
>  Me: Two good friends of mine actually met there.
> 
> 9:40 AM  
>  Derek <3: Looks like love is in the air then huh ;)
> 
> 9:42 AM  
>  Me: I just hope it's not accompanied by copious amounts of airborne bacteria.
> 
> 9:44 AM  
>  Derek <3: You crack me up
> 
> 9:47 AM  
>  Me: Thanks?
> 
> 9:48 AM  
>  Derek <3: Anytime  
>  Derek <3: Alright I gotta get ready
> 
> 9:50 AM  
>  Me: It's going to take you two hours to get ready?  
>  Me: Not to be insensitive, but..
> 
> 9:51 AM  
>  Derek <3: I gotta wax and do a charcoal mask  
>  Derek <3: Ill let you know when Im ready sugar
> 
> 9:53 AM  
>  Me: I suppose I should actually try to shave, then…
> 
> 9:54 AM  
>  Derek <3: Lmao you do you baby  
>  Derek <3: See you soon
> 
> 9:55 AM  
>  Me: <3

* * *

>  10:27 AM
> 
> Me: [OUTGOING CALL]

_“Hey, Spence.”_

“It's happening.”

_“What?”_

“It is _happening_ , JJ.”

_“What's happening?”_

“I’m meeting Derek.”

_“What?! That's fantastic!”_

“I don't know what to do. I’m so nervous.”

_“You're gonna be fine, hon.”_

“What if something happens?”

_“What's gonna happen?”_

“What if he gets hurt, or I get hurt, or something happens to the cafe, or I freak out, or-”

_“Calm down, calm down. Nothing like that will happen, okay? Everything will be fine.”_

“But what if it's not fine?”

_“It will be.”_

“But what if-”

_“Do you love him?”_

“.. What?”

_“Do you love Derek?”_

“I- .. Yes.”

_“Okay. Alright, that's- Okay. Then you can do this. He's worth it, right?”_

“Okay. Okay, you're right.”

_“I always am.”_

“Rarely.”

_“Funny. Be safe, okay?”_

“Okay.”

_“And have fun.”_

“I will.”

_“Alright, hon. I’ll check in later?”_

“Don't wait up.”

_“Oh, god, okay. Bye.”_

“Bye, Jay.”

> [CALL DISCONNECTED]

* * *

>  11:41 AM  
>  Derek <3: Leaving in a few minutes baby
> 
> 11:43 AM  
>  Derek <3: -multimedia message-  
>  Derek <3: How do I look? ;p

* * *

>  11:47 AM  
>  Me: [OUTGOING CALL]

_“Hey, how's everything going?”_

“...”

_“Spence..?”_

“I can't.”

_“Huh?”_

“I can't do it, JJ. I can't.”

_“Woah, what's up? I thought you were supposed to be there by now?”_

“I can't do it.”

_“Spencer, don't be like that.”_

“It's too much. It's too much, why did I think I could do this? I’m stupid, I’m-”

_“No, you are not. Don't talk about yourself like that.”_

“Why can't I be normal? Why- why can't I do this?”

_“Are you crying? Spencer, I’m worried, please calm down.”_

“He's texting me.”

_“What did he say?”_

“‘How's it going?’ I can tell he's already mad.”

_“That's nonsense, he's just checking to see how you are.”_

“I can't believe I’m letting him down like this.”

_“Spencer, I really think you'll be okay. Just try to get out, okay? Just try.”_

“I can't!”

_“You can, you're choosing not to.”_

“You don't get it, you don't- It's not like that, I can't, I really, physically, cannot do this.”

_“I- I’m sorry. I just don't understand.”_

“I gotta go.”

_“No, Spencer, I don't want you to be alone when you’re like this.”_

“Don't come over. Don't.”

_“Spence-”_

“No.”

> [CALL DISCONNECTED]

* * *

>  12:13 PM  
>  Derek <3: I know youre not coming baby and its okay  
>  Derek <3: Just talk to me
> 
> 12:20 PM  
>  Me: I’m so sorry
> 
> 12:21 PM  
>  Derek <3: Dont you be sorry baby you didnt do anything
> 
> 12:23 PM  
>  Me: I hate myself
> 
> 12:26 PM  
>  Derek <3: Its a good thing I love you enough for the two of us
> 
> 12:29 PM  
>  Me: I can't do this
> 
> 12:31 PM  
>  Derek <3: Do what?
> 
> 12:33 PM  
>  Me: You don't deserve this
> 
> 12:34 PM  
>  Derek <3: Baby dont be like that
> 
> 12:37 PM  
>  Me: I should go.
> 
> 12:38 PM  
>  Derek: Please dont
> 
> 12:43 PM  
>  Derek: Spencer
> 
> 12:44 PM  
>  Me: Leave me alone.
> 
> 12:48 PM  
>  Derek: Ill let you calm down  
>  Derek: And Ill still be here when you do. However long thatll take
> 
> 12:54 PM  
>  Derek: I love you. 
> 
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ― Alexander Pope


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and finally we see that the angst is short lived! sorry if this chapter seems a litte wonky looking in regards to format. i edited the whole thing on mobile which was a nightmare. if you see any mostakes feel free to let me know.   
> new chapter will be up soon!

**February 23rd**

> 10:02 AM  
> Dr. Blake: Dr. Reid. This is Alex Blake. Are you feeling okay? You have cancelled several lectures. We do not take professor absences lightly. Call me at this number when you can and we can figure something out.
> 
> 10:13 AM  
> Me: Hello, Dr. Blake. I’m incredibly sorry for my absences as of lately. I’m dealing with some personal issues.

* * *

>   
> 10:16 AM  
> Dr. Blake: [INCOMING CALL]

“Hello?”

_“Hello, Dr. Reid. How are you?”_

“I’m doing well, thank you for asking.”

_“You don't sound well.”_

“As stated in my text message I’m just.. dealing with some things.”

_“I understand and I can be lenient because I like you, Spencer. I want to help you, but you have to give me something to work with.”_

“I won't miss another class, I promise. I just needed a couple of days to get back on my feet after a, ah, personal emergency.”

_“Well, alright. Miss Seaver has been substituting for you, but to be completely honest, I’m sure your students won't even notice your absence.”_

“Thank you. I think. Yes?”

_“Yes, Dr. Reid. We miss you around here, truly.”_

“Thank you.”

_“Will I see you at your 9:00 AM class tomorrow?”_

“Certainly.”

_“I’m glad.”_

“Eh, I don't think my students will be too happy. No ones likes learning quantum mathematics that early in the morning.”

_“You know I would.”_

“Myself included. Alright, Dr. Blake, thank you for your call. I appreciate the concern.”

_“Of course. I do consider you a friend, you know?”_

“Likewise. Thank you again.”

_“Have a good afternoon, Spencer.”_

“Bye, Alex.”

> [CALL DISCONNECTED]

 

* * *

 

**February 26th**

> 1:29 PM  
> Emily: u holding up ok kid?
> 
> 1:32 PM  
> Me: I’m alright.
> 
> 1:33 PM  
> Emily: u know im always here right?   
> Emily: we can talk about what happened. u havent really told either of us and its not healthy to keep that bottled up
> 
> 1:35 PM  
> Me: There's nothing to talk about.
> 
> 1:37 PM  
> Emily: i know ur hurting spence
> 
> 1:39 PM  
> Me: Of course it hurts.
> 
> 1:40 PM  
> Emily: i wanna kill him for hurting u, whatever he did
> 
> 1:43 PM  
> Me: He didn't do anything.   
> Me: I broke up with him.
> 
> 1:45 PM  
> Emily: what???! why??? u seemed so adamant about ur feelings before
> 
> 1:48 PM  
> Me: It's for the best. I’m not a good person to have a relationship with. He's much better off.
> 
> 1:49 PM  
> Emily: u can't read minds no matter how smart u are brainiac   
> Emily: u don't know what he's thinking or what he feels  
> Emily: and knowing u ur overreacting, and i mean that in the nicest way possible
> 
> 1:52 PM  
> Me: I don't want to hurt him.
> 
> 1:53 PM  
> Emily: ur hurting him by shutting him out like this   
> Emily: me n j work because we communicate   
> Emily: and great sex but that's besides the point   
> Emily: u gotta talk to him kid u won't regret it
> 
> 1:56 PM  
> Me: Okay.   
> Me: Thanks, Em.
> 
> 1:57 PM  
> Emily: anytime boy wonder 

* * *

 

**February 28th**

> 4:23 PM  
> Me: Did you seriously send flowers to my work PO box?
> 
> 4:27 PM  
> Derek: Yes   
> Derek: Im guessing by the accusatory tone you dont like them
> 
> 4:29 PM  
> Me: How did you even get that address?
> 
> 4:30 PM  
> Derek: Its on the Georgetown website  
> Derek: You look cute in your picture by the way
> 
> 4:33 PM  
> Me: Well  
> Me: Thank you.
> 
> 4:34 PM  
> Me: And I did like them.   
> Me: Was the combination of the white and the pink tulips intentional? White tulips represent forgiveness and hope for the future. Pink obviously means love.
> 
> 4:35 PM  
> Derek: Yeah I did it on purpose
> 
> 4:37 PM  
> Me: Do you know much about the language of flowers?
> 
> 4:38 PM  
> Derek: Ever since I made the mistake of giving salmon roses to my boss’s wife Ive gained some insight
> 
> 4:39 PM  
> Me: Salmon for sexual desire. Yikes.
> 
> 4:40 PM  
> Derek: Definitely yikes
> 
> 4:43 PM  
> Derek: So we just gonna talk flowers or you wanna talk talk
> 
> 4:47 PM  
> Me: I don't know what to say.
> 
> 4:48 PM  
> Derek: You wanna talk on the phone?
> 
> 4:50 PM  
> Me: I can't.
> 
> 4:51 PM  
> Derek: Anxiety?   
> Derek: Or are you busy?
> 
> 4:53 PM  
> Me: The former.  
> Me: I’m sorry.
> 
> 4:54 PM  
> Derek: Dont be. Its okay.   
> Derek: How about I talk and you listen? Could you do that?
> 
> 4:56 PM  
> Me: Yes.
> 
> 4:57 PM  
> Derek: Good   
> Derek: I guess Ill just start off by saying I dont love you any less for what happened last week. You havent disappointed me. And you havent hurt me.
> 
> 4:59 PM  
> Me: I will, though.
> 
> 5:00 PM  
> Derek: Even if that was true Spencer Im a big boy and I can handle the rocky parts of a relationship
> 
> 5:03 PM  
> Me: You would be better off with someone more stable.
> 
> 5:05 PM  
> Derek: First of all, you cant make that decision for me. Youre what I want.  
> Derek: Second, youre not unstable, or damaged, or a freak, or abnormal - youre human   
> Derek: You have your issues just like I do and you deal with them so bravely   
> Derek: You had a few bad days kid. That doesnt suddenly ruin everything for me. It makes me love you even more.
> 
> 5:07 PM  
> Me: How?  
> Me: I’m a mess.
> 
> 5:08 PM  
> Derek: No baby. Youre brave. Youre strong. You fight. You inspire me. Give yourself a break.
> 
> 5:10 PM  
> Me: It's hard.
> 
> 5:11 PM  
> Derek: I know baby   
> Derek: But Im here. Im always here. Friend or something more. Whatever you need, I respect your decision.
> 
> 5:15 PM  
> Me: I don't want to break up.   
> Me: I love you and I’m sorry.
> 
> 5:16 PM  
> Derek: You have nothing at all to be sorry for  
> Derek: But that makes me so happy to hear. Ive really missed you
> 
> 5:17 PM  
> Me: Me too. It's been really hard without someone to talk to.
> 
> 5:18 PM  
> Derek: Im here now baby  
> Derek: And I love you
> 
> 5:20 PM  
> Me: I don't know what to say.   
> Me: Again.
> 
> 5:21 PM  
> Derek <3: Thats alright hon   
> Derek <3: I think you should turn in early. Take a bath, relax, read ten books in an hour ;p
> 
> 5:22 PM  
> Me: Oh, please, I can easily go for twenty.
> 
> 5:24 PM  
> Derek <3: Mm thats my man. Smart n sexy
> 
> 5:25 PM  
> Me: Glad to see even after a week of not speaking you still feel the urge to get me flustered.
> 
> 5:26 PM  
> Derek <3: Oh please Im just getting started I got a week worths of flirtin just dying to be released
> 
> 5:27 PM  
> Me: Can't wait.
> 
> 5:29 PM  
> Derek <3: Go relax baby
> 
> 5:30 PM  
> Me: You do the same.
> 
> 5:31 PM  
> Derek <3: I love you kid
> 
> 5:33 PM  
> Me: I love you, too, Derek.   
> Me: I really do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I may tear you apart, but I'll put you back together." - Donna Schoenrock


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit chapter twenty!! we made it yall. im sorry this chapter is so long over due, but i recently got a job (yaaay retail) so im quite busy. but i promjse i wont neglect yall anymore. 
> 
> this chapter starts off with a time jump of about three months. derek n spencer have been talking steady with no bumps during that time - pretty uneventful but i, of course, couldnt keep it that way. this is quite a long chapter also just because i couldnt figure out a way to break it up that would make sense to you readers so enjoy you extra long chapter; you all deserve it! thank you again for reading :')

**May 3rd**

>   
>  9:02 AM  
>  Derek  <3: Hey sexy
> 
>   
>  9:05 AM  
>  Me: Hey, you.
> 
>   
>  9:06 AM  
>  Derek <3: How you feelin? Sleep ok?
> 
>   
>  9:07 AM  
>  Me: Like a baby. We were up really late last night.
> 
>   
>  9:08 AM  
>  Derek <3: Yeah me too  
>  Derek <3: It was hard to sleep once we hung up. Thought I was gonna die without having you to cuddle me
> 
>   
>  9:09 AM  
>  Me: You’re very dramatic.
> 
>   
>  9:10 AM  
>  Derek <3: Its just in my nature boo ;p
> 
>   
>  9:13 AM  
>  Me: I wouldn’t have you any other way.  
>  Me: Do you know what today is?
> 
>   
>  9:14 AM  
>  Derek <3: I sure do baby  
>  Derek <3: Im gonna take the plunge and sound like a middle schooler: happy four months my love
> 
>   
>  9:16 AM  
>  Me: It feels like so much longer. It's like I’ve known you my whole life.
> 
>   
>  9:17 AM  
>  Me: Oh my God, we’re both being cliches right now. This is awful.
> 
>   
>  9:18 AM  
>  Derek <3: Its quite adorable if I do say so myself but Ive always been a hopeless romantic
> 
>   
>  9:19 AM  
>  Me: Maybe a hopeless dork.
> 
>   
>  9:21 AM  
>  Derek <3: Shut your geek mouth
> 
>   
>  9:22 AM  
>  Me: Come over here and make me.
> 
>   
>  9:23 AM  
>  Derek <3: Im not one to back down from a challenge ;)
> 
>   
>  9:25 AM  
>  Me: I’m being serious.
> 
>   
>  9:26 AM  
>  Derek <3: Hm?
> 
>   
>  9:29 AM  
>  Me: I want to see you.
> 
>   
>  9:32 AM  
>  Derek <3: Baby I know youre not ready dont push yourself  
>  Derek <3: Id wait years for you, you know that
> 
>   
>  9:34 AM  
>  Me: You don't know how I feel. And I feel ready.  
>  Me: I need to meet you, Derek. I need to see you, feel you. Just be close to you.  
>  Me: I know I can do this.
> 
>   
>  9:36 AM  
>  Derek <3: I just dont want you to get discouraged if you cant  
>  Derek <3: Like last time. I dont wanna go through that again, for your sake
> 
>   
>  9:37 AM  
>  Me: I’m doing okay. You know I am. I haven't missed work in two weeks. I took a walk the other day, and I know I did have to call you after but I was okay. I made it through. And if I can get through the mundane things with no reward, I sure as hell can fight to get the biggest prize out there - you.
> 
>   
>  9:39 AM  
>  Derek <3: I trust your judgement and Im not here to make decisions for you baby boy. Lets just think before we jump in. Give it a day or two. Sleep on it
> 
>   
>  9:40 AM  
>  Me: Okay.
> 
>   
>  9:41 AM  
>  Derek <3: Im so proud of you, you know that?
> 
>   
>  9:43 AM  
>  Me: I know.  
>  Me: And I’m proud of you, everyday.
> 
>   
>  9:44 AM  
>  Derek <3: Im glad I was lucky enough to get a boyfriend who doubles as my best friend
> 
>   
>  9:45 AM  
>  Me: Isn't that what the teens call “the friendzone”?
> 
>   
>  9:46 AM  
>  Derek <3: Not even close baby
> 
>   
>  9:47 AM  
>  Me: I tried.  
>  Me: Class is starting.
> 
>   
>  9:48 AM  
>  Derek <3: Text you at the end of the day. Love you baby
> 
>   
>  9:49 AM  
>  Me: Love you.

* * *

 

> 6:12 PM  
>  Me: Home sweet home.
> 
>   
>  6:15 PM  
>  Derek <3: Hey baby
> 
>   
>  6:16 PM  
>  Me: How was your day?
> 
>   
>  6:18 PM  
>  Derek <3: Surprisingly uneventful  
>  Derek <3: Thank god
> 
>   
>  6:19 PM  
>  Me: I’m glad you got somewhat of a day off.
> 
>   
>  6:20 PM  
>  Derek <3: You dont know the half of it kid  
>  Derek <3: How was your day?
> 
>   
>  6:22 PM  
>  Me: Good.
> 
>   
>  6:23 PM  
>  Derek <3: ‘Good’? Not just the standard ‘fine’?
> 
>   
>  6:25 PM  
>  Me: Good. Definitely good. No rude students, and I had a nice lunch with Alex and Ashley.
> 
>   
>  6:26 PM  
>  Derek <3: Im so glad baby  
>  Derek <3: And so proud
> 
>   
>  6:29 PM  
>  Me: Do you believe me now? That I’m doing okay?
> 
>   
>  6:31 PM  
>  Derek <3: I never thought you werent  
>  Derek <3: I just cant help but worry for you after last time
> 
>   
>  6:33 PM  
>  Me: I’m in a better place emotionally than I was then. I’m coping. I’m opening up and letting myself be vulnerable. I’m accepting your help, your encouragement, and all the support from you and my friends. Because of that, I’ve become a lot stronger; I know I can do this now.
> 
>   
>  6:35 PM  
>  Derek <3: I trust you know yourself more than I do and Im sorry for trying to control you like that  
>  Derek <3: I really wanna do this. More than anything
> 
>   
>  6:36 PM  
>  Me: So do I.
> 
>   
>  6:37 PM  
>  Derek <3: Good  
>  Derek <3: Im gonna get in the shower
> 
>   
>  6:38 PM  
>  Me: Have fun.
> 
>   
>  6:40 PM  
>  Derek <3: Oh you know I will baby  
>  Derek <3: ;p
> 
>   
>  6:42 PM  
>  Me: God, you're insufferable.  
>  Me: I’m kidding. Talk to you when you get out.

* * *

 

> 7:13 PM  
>  Derek <3: Hey sweet thang
> 
>   
>  7:16 PM  
>  Me: As if I couldn’t hate your ridiculous nicknames enough, you throw that at me.
> 
>   
>  7:18 PM  
>  Derek <3: You love em tho
> 
>   
>  7:19 PM  
>  Me: Unfortunately.
> 
>   
>  7:22 PM  
>  Derek <3: ;p  
>  Derek <3: You think about what we talked about earlier?
> 
>   
>  7:23 PM  
>  Me: What, about you having fun in the shower? Most definitely.
> 
>   
>  7:24 PM  
>  Derek <3: Oh I see someone thinks hes Mr. Funny Pants today huh
> 
>   
>  7:26 PM  
>  Me: I’m sorry.  
>  Me: But, yes. I did think about us meeting - and you won't be surprised to hear I still want to.
> 
>   
>  7:27 PM  
>  Derek <3: I want to too
> 
>   
>  7:29 PM  
>  Me: Then we’re going to do this? For real this time?
> 
>   
>  7:30 PM  
>  Derek <3: For real this time baby
> 
>   
>  7:33 PM  
>  Me: I’m so happy, you have no idea.
> 
>   
>  7:34 PM  
>  Derek <3: So am I sweetheart  
>  Derek <3: How do you wanna do this?
> 
>   
>  7:36 PM  
>  Me: Well, Sunday is usually your day off..
> 
>   
>  7:38 PM  
>  Derek <3: Sunday is tomorrow kid
> 
>   
>  7:39 PM  
>  Me: Yes, I know how the concept of time works.
> 
>   
>  7:40 PM  
>  Derek <3: Lmao alright alright  
>  Derek <3: But dont you think we should wait a week? So you can really prepare? You know like emotionally
> 
>   
>  7:43 PM  
>  Me: Honestly, I’ve been planning this for weeks now. I’m plenty prepared.
> 
>   
>  7:47 PM  
>  Derek <3: To be honest myself I dont think I am  
>  Derek <3: But that so does not mean I dont wanna see you ASAP. Thats just my insecurities talking
> 
>   
>  7:48 PM  
>  Me: Tell me what you’re feeling.
> 
>   
>  7:49 PM  
>  Derek <3: Charge by the hour doc?
> 
>   
>  7:51 PM  
>  Me: Hilarious.  
>  Me: I’m serious. Tell me what’s going on.
> 
>   
>  7:53 PM  
>  Derek <3: I guess theres the glaringly obvious reason: my leg  
>  Derek <3: Im worried you wont find me attractive once you really truly see it and how its a part of me, literally and figuratively  
>  Derek <3: I mean, you really havent seen me without my prosthetic. Im just scared youre gonna look at me and not only be turned off, but pity me as well
> 
>   
>  7:55 PM  
>  Me: Your leg is a part of you, yes. A big part of your identity. But it’s not all of you. I’m in love with and thoroughly attracted to the whole picture.  
>  Me: You make me feel so many things, physically and emotionally, as well. You’re truly a stunning man, Derek.  
>  Me: But that’s just a piece of it all. I’m attracted to your soul. Well, I don’t believe in “souls” so to speak, but I’m attracted to your personality, and who you are as a person. That’s what turns me on about you.
> 
>   
>  7:58 PM  
>  Derek <3: Thank you baby  
>  Derek <3: Im also scared I wont be able to satisfy you. I know were not just gonna immediately have sex when we meet obviously but when we do (if we do?) I fear it wont be what youre expecting and youll be let down  
>  Derek <3: Having sex when youre disabled isn't unpleasant or not pleasurable, but its different. Kinda awkward. Ive had a few guys just straight up walk out on me because of how much work and maneuvering it takes
> 
>   
>  7:59 PM  
>  Me: I think you know by now I’m not like that.
> 
>   
>  8:02 PM  
>  Derek <3: I know youre not. But that feeling still creeps up on me
> 
>   
>  8:04 PM  
>  Me: I understand. I feel the way same, of course in a different aspect. You know I don’t necessarily find myself attractive.
> 
>   
>  8:05 PM  
>  Derek <3: Youre gorgeous. I hate when you say otherwise
> 
>   
>  8:06 PM  
>  Me: I’m working on it. You help me with it.  
>  Me: So, do you trust me when I say I feel the same way you do? That you’re beautiful, spectacular, and wonderful? How it saddens me to see you protest that?
> 
>   
>  8:07 PM  
>  Derek <3: Shut up
> 
>   
>  8:08 PM  
>  Me: No way in hell.
> 
>   
>  8:11 PM  
>  Derek <3: I love you
> 
>   
>  8:12 PM  
>  Me: I as well.
> 
>   
>  8:13 PM  
>  Derek <3: ‘I as well’ you are such a dork
> 
>   
>  8:15 PM  
>  Me: Don’t be a hater.
> 
>   
>  8:16 PM  
>  Derek <3: Haters be motivators
> 
>   
>  8:18 PM  
>  Me: Just because it rhymes doesn’t mean it’s true.
> 
>   
>  8:20 PM  
>  Derek <3: Tell that to Dr Seuss. He spit some truths
> 
>   
>  8:22 PM  
>  Me: I can’t tell if you’re being facetious or not, but, as a matter of fact, Seuss really did shine a very inventive light on age old problems.
> 
>   
>  8:25 PM  
>  Derek <3: By writing about spoiled breakfast foods?
> 
>   
>  8:27 PM  
>  Me: No. By using fun rhymes that appealed to the ripest generation of future activists that were laced with profound allegories for things such as racism, anti-semitism, deforestation, etc.  
>  me: Children who grew up reading Seuss have actually shown to be emotionally advanced with higher EQ’s.
> 
>   
>  8:29 PM  
>  Derek <3: Ooh keep talkin nerdy to me baby
> 
>   
>  8:31 PM  
>  Me: Sorry.
> 
>   
>  8:32 PM  
>  Derek <3: Dont be sorry  
>  Derek <3: Im just kidding with you
> 
>   
>  8:37 PM  
>  Derek <3: I know we kinda talked about this on the phone once and Im sure you remember it but. What about kids?
> 
>   
>  8:39 PM  
>  Me: What about them?
> 
>   
>  8:41 PM  
>  Derek <3: Having them
> 
>   
>  8:44 PM  
>  Me: It sounds like a very big responsibility.  
>  Me: But also an irrefutably spectacular experience. I couldn’t imagine raising another human being, setting them on the right path, and being held accountable to their success.  
>  Me: It’s terrifying yet beautiful in it’s own right.
> 
>   
>  8:50 PM  
>  Derek <3: I meant maybe  
>  Derek <3: Like  
>  Derek <3: With me
> 
>   
>  8:53 PM  
>  Me: With you what?
> 
>   
>  8:55 PM  
>  Derek <3: Kids  
>  Derek <3: With me  
>  Derek <3: Being Dad 1 and Dad 2
> 
>   
>  8:59 PM  
>  Me: Oh.
> 
>   
>  9:02 PM  
>  Derek <3: You know what I think Ive just disproved that whole stereotype that lesbians move too quickly in relationships because its definitely us gays that got it down on lock here  
>  Derek <3: Or.. just me  
>  Derek <3: Probably just me
> 
>   
>  9:04 PM  
>  Derek <3: Im gonna shut up now
> 
>   
>  9:05 PM  
>  Me: Don’t.  
>  Me: But how about we actually meet first before we start picking baby names?
> 
>   
>  9:07 PM  
>  Derek <3: I like that plan too
> 
>   
>  9:10 PM  
>  Me: Please don’t think I’m dissing you right now because of the kid thing, but I actually should stop playing around on my phone and get to grading some work.
> 
>   
>  9:12 PM  
>  Derek <3: So sorry to keep my man from his duties  
>  Derek <3: Have fun grading  
>  Derek <3: …..Aaaand hopefully itll be me youll have laid out on your desk sometime soon instead of those pesky papers ;)
> 
>   
>  9:13 PM  
>  Me: Derek!
> 
>   
>  9:14 PM  
>  Derek <3: Heh  
>  Derek <3: Alright Ill let you go
> 
>   
>  9:16 PM  
>  Me: Alright. Talk tomorrow about our plans?
> 
>   
>  9:17 PM  
>  Derek <3: Absolutely  
>  Derek <3: Wait one more thing
> 
>   
>  9:18 PM  
>  Me: Hm?
> 
>   
>  9:19 PM  
>  Derek <3: How do you feel about the name Malcolm
> 
>   
>  9:21 PM  
>  Me: I’m deleting your number.
> 
>   
>  9:23 PM  
>  Derek <3: Lmaooo  
>  Derek <3: Goodnight baby
> 
>   
>  9:24 PM  
>  Me: Goodnight, D.

* * *

 

> 10:13 PM
> 
> [MULTIPLE RECIPIENTS; "JJ" "Emily"]
> 
> Me: I'm gonna need your help.  


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im back! again sorry for a delayed update. im a busy bee. but we're nearing the end! next chapter we move away from the text message format and go into a traditional narrative. i hope you all enjoy!

**May 4th**

> 11:02 AM  
>  Me: Good morning.  
>  Me: Are you awake yet?
> 
>   
>  11:03 AM  
>  Derek <3: Yeah baby I was waiting to hear from you
> 
>   
>  11:04 AM  
>  Me: I was trying to let you sleep.
> 
>   
>  11:06 AM  
>  Derek <3: Gotta keep you on your toes ;p
> 
>   
>  11:07 AM  
>  Me: -.-
> 
>   
>  11:09 AM  
>  Derek <3: I kid  
>  Derek <3: So  
>  Derek <3: What are we doin?
> 
>   
>  11:12 AM  
>  Me: Doing?
> 
>   
>  11:13 AM  
>  Derek <3: Oh how convenient you “forgot”
> 
>   
>  11:14 AM  
>  Me: I can’t kid?
> 
>   
>  11:15 AM  
>  Derek <3: Hush
> 
>   
>  11:17 AM  
>  Me: Okay, fine.  
>  Me: I had an idea.
> 
>   
>  11:18 AM  
>  Derek <3: What else is new
> 
>   
>  11:19 AM  
>  Me: God, will you shut up?
> 
>   
>  11:20 AM  
>  Derek <3: *zipped lips*
> 
>   
>  11:22 AM  
>  Me: Good.  
>  Me: Last time, we were planning on meeting at Mel’s. But, that obviously didn’t go well. The reason for that, well, one of the reasons, was because it was just so public. There would be other people, noises, germs, etc. and that frightened me.  
>  Me: So, I figured maybe this time we could meet somewhere less public.  
>  Me: … Like my apartment?
> 
>   
>  11:25 AM  
>  Derek <3: Woah  
>  Derek <3: Ah  
>  Derek <3: Alright if thats what you want
> 
>   
>  11:26 AM  
>  Me: I know it sounds like the kind of gimmick a serial killer would offer up and I’m really sorry. We don’t have to do it that way if you’re uncomfortable.
> 
>   
>  11:27 AM  
>  Derek <3: Im not uncomfortable Im just like  
>  Derek <3: Okay maybe Im a little uncomfortable  
>  Derek <3: But not because I dont trust you
> 
>   
>  11:28 AM  
>  Me: I understand.
> 
>   
>  11:30 AM  
>  Derek <3: Im just not ready to be another hate crime statistic. Lmao
> 
>   
>  11:31 AM  
>  Me: I would never do anything like that!
> 
>   
>  11:33 AM  
>  Derek <3: I know I know just kidding  
>  Derek <3: But lets compromise somehow. Like lets brainstorm how we can maintain that privacy and safe space but also keep a semi public element to it just in case
> 
>   
>  11:36 AM  
>  Me: There’s a garden.
> 
>   
>  11:37 AM  
>  Derek <3: Yes, there are many of those in the world  
>  Derek <3: Go on
> 
>   
>  11:38 AM  
>  Me: It’s somewhat of a community garden for the residents of my complex. It’s wedged between two of the buildings with windows looking out onto it.
> 
>   
>  11:40 AM  
>  Derek <3: Sounds like a pretty decent place to have some freaky voyeuristic sex
> 
>   
>  11:41 AM  
>  Me: You are the worst person in the entire world, ever.  
>  Me: I’m mentioning this because people rarely go down there, which is why it’s such a mess, but that’s a whole different point.  
>  Me: It’s secluded, but there are still people around for your sake.
> 
>   
>  11:43 AM  
>  Derek <3: You love me  
>  Derek <3: But really baby sounds like a great place
> 
>   
>  11:44 AM  
>  Me: Okay.
> 
>   
>  11:45 AM  
>  Derek <3: Okay  
>  Derek <3: When should I be there?
> 
>   
>  11:47 AM  
>  Me: You decide.  
>  Me: I don’t want to set a time and then constantly be checking the clock and stressing about it. We should just play it by ear. You text me and let me know when you’re coming, that way I don’t have a chance to back out.  
>  Me: Which I won’t, by the way.
> 
>   
>  11:49 AM  
>  Derek <3: Are you sure? That sounds so stressful for you
> 
>   
>  11:50 AM  
>  Me: I think it will be best that way.
> 
>   
>  11:51 AM  
>  Derek <3: Alright then sounds good my love
> 
>   
>  11:52 AM  
>  Me: :)
> 
>   
>  11:55 AM  
>  Derek <3: Just got off the phone with my eyebrow girl. Shes gonna squeeze me in for 12:15
> 
>   
>  11:57 AM  
>  Me: You’re in accordance with a woman whose sole purpose to you is to care for your eyebrows?
> 
>   
>  11:58 AM  
>  Derek <3: Yes  
>  Derek <3: Dont you dare judge me
> 
>   
>  12:00 PM  
>  Me: I’m not. I’m just teasing you.  
>  Me: You should get going then. Don’t keep your brows waiting.
> 
>   
>  12:01 PM  
>  Derek <3: Im omw now  
>  Derek <3: Ill let you know when Im coming to see you?
> 
>   
>  12:03 PM  
>  Me: Okay.
> 
>   
>  12:04 PM  
>  Derek <3: Okay?
> 
>   
>  12:05 PM  
>  Me: Yes.  
>  Me: I will see you then.
> 
>   
>  12:07 PM  
>  Me: Love you.

* * *

 

> 1:24 PM  
>  Derek <3: -multimedia message-  
>  Derek <3: Fleeked out brows
> 
>   
>  1:26 PM  
>  Me: You look wonderful.  
>  Me: But I have no idea what “fleeked out” means.
> 
>   
>  1:27 PM  
>  Derek <3: You sure are clueless for a genius
> 
>   
>  1:29 PM  
>  Me: I’m doing my best.
> 
>   
>  1:30 PM  
>  Derek <3: You sure are baby  
>  Derek <3: Doin ok?
> 
>   
>  1:31 PM  
>  Me: I’m fine.
> 
>   
>  1:32 PM  
>  Derek <3: Alright just checkin in  
>  Derek <3: I got some other stuff I gotta do before I leave is that okay?
> 
>   
>  1:33 PM  
>  Me: Of course.
> 
>   
>  1:34 PM  
>  Derek <3: Okay cool  
>  Derek <3: I should be ready within the hour if thats ok?
> 
>   
>  1:35 PM  
>  Me: Definitely okay.  
>  Me: The address is 425 8th St NW. The garden is perpendicular to building C. You can’t miss it.
> 
>   
>  1:37 PM  
>  Derek <3: :)  
>  Derek <3: Cant wait to see you
> 
>   
>  1:38 PM  
>  Me: The feeling is certainly mutual. 

* * *

 

**GROUP IMS [Recipients; “JJ”, “Emily”]**

>   
>  1:42 PM  
>  JJ: How’s everything going?
> 
>   
>  1:43 PM  
>  Me: Good. I’m getting dressed.
> 
>   
>  1:44 PM  
>  JJ: Are u wearing the shirt we picked out?
> 
>   
>  1:46 PM  
>  Me: Yes.
> 
>   
>  1:47 PM  
>  Emily: show us
> 
>   
>  1:49 PM  
>  Me: -multimedia message-
> 
>   
>  1:50 PM  
>  JJ: So handsome. :-)
> 
>   
>  1:51 PM  
>  Emily: unbutton it and let ur inner slut loose
> 
>   
>  1:52 PM  
>  Me: I’m not a “slut”!
> 
>   
>  1:53 PM  
>  JJ: Leave him alone Em.
> 
>   
>  1:54 PM  
>  Emily: im just trying to get him LAID
> 
>   
>  1:55 PM  
>  Me: It’s only a first date!
> 
>   
>  1:56 PM  
>  Emily: prude  
>  Emily: no im kidding u really look good
> 
>   
>  1:57 PM  
>  JJ: I second that. :-)
> 
>   
>  1:58 PM  
>  Emily: jesus christ will u stop using that middle age mom emoji
> 
>   
>  2:00 PM  
>  JJ: No.  
>  JJ: :-)

* * *

> 2:03 PM  
>  Derek <3: About to leave. So excited you have no idea

* * *

 

**GROUP IMS [Recipients; “JJ”, “Emily”]**

>   
>  2:04 PM  
>  Me: He’s coming!
> 
>   
>  2:05 PM  
>  JJ: I’m so happy for u !
> 
>   
>  2:06 PM  
>  Emily: dont be desperate
> 
>   
>  2:07 PM  
>  Me: I am desperate.  
>  Me: Like the kids say: “thirsty”.
> 
>   
>  2:08 PM  
>  Emily: AND U JUST SAID UR NOT A FUCK ON THE FIRST DATE KINDA GUY
> 
>   
>  2:09 PM  
>  JJ: Don’t u know by now he has no clue what half the slang he tries to use means.
> 
>   
>  2:10 PM  
>  Me: Why am I friends with you two
> 
>   
>  2:11 PM  
>  Emily: because were AWESOME  
>  Emily: now go get some
> 
>   
>  2:12 PM  
>  JJ: We’re here for u no matter what.
> 
>   
>  2:14 PM  
>  Me: Thanks, guys.  
>  Me: Maybe you’re not so bad after all.

* * *

 

> 2:21 PM  
>  Me: Waiting in the garden.
> 
>   
>  2:23 PM  
>  Me: Let me know when you’re close.

* * *

 

> 2:30 PM  
>  Derek <3: Turn around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “What does the anticipation feel like? The sensation of staring into the void, the awareness of an end’s impending arrival? Burning and being extinguished simultaneously?” ― Teo Yi Han


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hallelujah! an update! im sorry i kept you all waiting. ive had a hectic work schedule due to the holidays, but now that thats over and i can go back to doing what i really do best :') initially this chapter was going to be much longer however i realized that i could break it up and it would be much more readable and also a lot less work for me. so, merry christmas! heres a present! i hope you all enjoy :)

The crisp yet comforting early spring air engulfed Spencer as he treaded anxiously down to the secluded garden. It was warm enough to don simply a light jacket, but still cold to the point at which Spencer opted for a piping hot cup of coffee that afternoon. Though the caffeine was doing little to calm his nerves, it still kept his trembling hands warm and his heart feeling cozy. Maybe that cozy feeling had something to do with Derek. Or maybe it was angina from his breakfast burrito. Who really knew.

  
Spencer weeded through the overgrown pathways until he came across a metal bench painted with white paint that had long ago begun to chip. Contrastingly bright green vines crept up alongside the legs of the bench, accompanied by the wildflowers that littered the garden ground. They were filled with color and life that seemed to make all of Spencer’s worries dull, even for a few split seconds. He had half a mind to really get corny and pick some of the flowers that surrounded him, but he’d save that level of cheesiness for maybe the third date.

  
As he took a seat on the rickety bench, Spencer retrieved his phone from his jacket pocket. He unlocked it and went straight into his messages, where he found he had no new ones. This was no surprise, of course, considering he had checked his phone at least a dozen times before he even had gotten halfway down into the garden. So, with an impatient huff, he began to draft a new message, then quickly hit send before he could think twice about it.

  
_Waiting in the garden._

  
When two minutes, an achingly and devastatingly long amount of time, had passed, Spencer began to grow irrationally worried. Was Derek not coming? Was he lost? Hurt? Dead? Abducted by aliens? Anxiety sure was a bitch. Still, Spencer tried to keep himself calm by bouncing his leg and fidgeting with whatever he could get his hands on. At one point he had grabbed a handful of weeds and was picking them apart piece by piece like he once had as a curious child.

  
After he steadied himself, Spencer took a few deep breaths, then sent another message.

  
_Let me know when you’re close._

  
Finally, Spencer pocketed his phone for the last time and decided that whatever happens, happens. It was terrifying to realize that things were out of his control, but he knew logically he had to accept that fact. That didn’t make it any easier, though. He had always been a control freak, ever since a young age. He had to have things the way he wanted, had to finish everything he started, and he could never seem to be able to just let things go. Anything that went unsolved made his skin crawl. Uncertainty was his kryptonite, and at that moment, it was really starting to eat away at him.

  
How could one even stay calm in a situation like this, anyhow? This was such a defining moment in Spencer’s life. It may have seemed foolish to others, but this wasn’t just your run of the mill first date. It was like a test, almost. Spencer knew he loved Derek, and knew Derek loved him. But what they didn’t know was how that was going to translate into real life. Would that spark still be there? Would Derek be able to make Spencer smile or laugh with just one word? And what about the glaringly obvious issue - the physical aspect? What was Derek going to think of the way Spencer looked? They’d seen pictures of each other, but everyone always looks better in their selfies than they do in real life. Maybe Spencer’s appearance would be a dealbreaker. Maybe the connection they had would fade away with the absence of physical attraction. His insecurities and fears crept back up on him. This was a bad idea. Definitely a bad idea. He should’ve just gone back up to his apartment and hid in bed.

  
But he didn’t. Spencer was going to absolutely ruin himself by thinking like that. This was supposed to be a special day for him, an exciting moment, and he kept telling himself that over and over. He wasn’t going to let his fears get the better of him. He was going to live his life and there wasn’t a damn thing that was going to stop him from meeting Derek.

  
After a few moments of tension and inner turmoil, Spencer’s body began to slowly relax as his mind did the same. He was doing his best to keep his cool even though he kinda, sorta, really wanted to throw up. He even tried out those breathing exercises Ashley had showed him, although he did so skeptically. As he dissociated himself from his worries, slowly but surely, Spencer began to approach his “happy place”.

  
That was, until, his phone buzzed suddenly in his pocket.

  
_Turn around._

  
Spencer’s heart just about stopped once his brain processed the two little words present on the screen. He was immediately stricken with what felt like a temporary case of paralysis as he sat there with his back stick straight. It was like all brain function immediately stopped in just a split second. The shock only lasted so long, though, and in an instant Spencer was jumping onto his feet and following the command in the text. He turned around so quickly it made his head spin, but when he laid eyes on Derek, the real, physical Derek, everything just seemed to fall right into place.

  
It was a Hallmark Movie Moment, for certain. Spencer wasn’t even sure how to react to what he was seeing - but he knew he definitely, definitely liked it. Derek looked stunning. He had on a light olive green button up, the sleeves rolled up to show off his rather ritzy looking silver watch, and some simple black pants. Even after seeing a picture of him barely an hour before this encounter, Spencer still wasn’t prepared. He obviously wasn’t prepared for a lot of things, including the word vomit that gracelessly fell from his mouth.

  
“It’s- You- You’re, um- You look- You are- You’re so- I-” Spencer’s pathetic attempt to communicate was apparently hilarious to Derek, who was grinning madly at Spencer. Spencer wasn’t sure if he wanted to slap himself for being an idiot, or slap Derek for laughing. Hell, he wasn’t really sure of anything besides the heavy pounding in his chest and the overwhelming urge to fling himself into the sun to escape from the awkwardness he was inducing.

  
“Hello to you, too.” Derek said. His voice almost sounded shy, which was definitely uncharacteristic of him. One of his hands went up to rub awkwardly at the back of his blushing neck, while the other stayed behind his back. Maybe he was just as nervous as Spencer, who felt comforted by that thought.

  
“I, ah- I got you something.” Derek continued after clearing his throat. He brought his hand out from behind his back, revealing what he had been hiding. It was a paperback book that had obviously seen better days, wrapped neatly with a light blue ribbon. Spencer squinted at it, trying to make the title out but to no avail.

  
“‘The World of Normal Boys’,” Derek clarified, “it’s a favorite of mine. It’s about a boy struggling with his sexuality and identity after a traumatic personal tragedy. Obviously, you know, I totally relate, but I really thought you would, too, having been a really eccentric kid who was probably just as confused as I was.” He sighed softly, but continued after a shake of the head, “I would’ve gotten you a brand new copy, but I really thought that giving you mine would be more personal, I guess? I don’t know. If you don’t want it, I understand, I just thought-”

  
“I love it,” Spencer interrupted with his first complete sentence, “And I- I love you, as well.” His mouth suddenly felt dry, his stomach fluttery, and his heartbeat erratic, just as those simple words left his lips. He trembled as he gulped helplessly as the words hung in the air for a few agonizing moments, until he chanced a look up at Derek, only to find him looking awestruck and filled with joy.

  
“Can I just- Can I hug you?” Derek requested with a nervous laugh accompanied by a shy grin. Spencer didn’t need to be told twice. Almost as if by instinct, Spencer’s legs carried him over to Derek before he could even think about it. He practically catapulted himself into Derek’s arms, but neither of them seemed to mind one bit. Spencer’s arms wrapped around Derek’s waist, while Derek placed down the book then cupped the back of Spencer’s neck with one hand, the other arm wound around Spencer’s shoulders.

  
Derek’s embrace was like the feeling of coming home after a grueling trip. It was the warm welcome of one’s own bed after sleepless nights on a foreign mattress. It was the relief that came from sinking into a hot bath that seemed to melt away all troubles. It was strong and fierce, yet still kind and comforting. Neither of them had ever felt so safe with another person before. They were in their own world, one filled with acceptance and encouragement, one where the only language spoken was kindness, where there was nothing but understanding.

  
Ever since Maeve died, that feeling was but a distant memory for Spencer. Her death undeniably left a hole in his heart. They had had that same sort of unbreakable bond Spencer now knew he was forming with Derek as well. Maeve, with her genius mind, her creative spark, her quick wit, kept Spencer sane. At the time of their relationship, she was the only one who seemed to really get Spencer. They had an uncommunicated, almost unconscious connection in which one could understand the other so deeply and intricately. They found solace with one another, as Maeve ran from her horrendous past, while Spencer tried to bury his fears and insecurities.

  
When Maeve had died, though, Spencer had that solace ripped from his hands. He felt like he was all alone in the world. Feelings of guilt crept up on him. Those nagging voices telling him it was all his fault soon turned into gut wrenching terror when faced with the unknown. Maeve’s death blindsided him. She had been doing so well, going to therapy, working through her issues. Spencer had even considered taking their relationship to the next level with a proposal. There were no signs she was suicidal. But maybe Spencer decided to ignore them. Maybe they were right in front of him, begging to be noticed. Maybe he could’ve saved her, had he tried hard enough.

  
Still, life went on around Spencer. Maeve’s friends moved on, and her mother finally stopped sleeping in her daughter’s childhood room. But Spencer wallowed. He prolonged his suffering by constantly bombarding himself with what-if’s so strong that they kept him prisoner not only mentally, but physically. Months went by and he still hadn’t returned to work. Every day was spent on the couch in last week’s clothes, and it took every ounce of energy to just brush his hair. After a while, he forced himself. Each day he looked in the mirror and told himself to pretend to be somebody who wasn’t afraid, who wasn’t debilitated by guilt and fear. He ran on autopilot. It wasn’t ideal, but it was how he simply survived.

  
And then he met Derek. Kind, understanding, intuitive, sensitive Derek who from the very beginning did his best to accommodate Spencer. Derek, who stayed on the phone with Spencer until the sun came up, just to calm his nerves after a nightmare. Derek, who listened to every mundane detail of Spencer’s life with fascination, no matter how boring Spencer thought they were. Derek, who saw the worst sides of Spencer, yet never thought lowly of him. Derek, who had suffered so much throughout his life and still managed to find the good in life and remain compassionate. Empathetic, beautiful, comforting Derek, who was now wrapped up in Spencer’s arms like a dream come true. Yeah. Definitely a Hallmark movie.

  
Spencer nuzzled his face farther into Derek’s neck as he clung to him almost with a sense of desperation, like they would be snatched away from one another at any moment. As he inhaled the scent of Derek’s cologne that had been so generously applied to his neck and ears, Spencer heard Derek laugh. He pulled back reluctantly to see what was so funny. There, he found Derek simply grinning stupidly at him.

  
“Did you just smell me?” Derek questioned incredulously. Spencer immediately turned red, not even realizing that, hey, maybe sniffing someone you just met in person for the first time was weird.

  
As he searched for a way to apologize, Spencer instead said, “You’re, um- Your scent is very pleasing to the olfactory receptors in my nasal cavity.” Nice going. Real, real nice.

  
It didn’t take long before Derek busted out laughing, leaving an awkward, embarrassed Spencer to fidget with his hands uncomfortably. He really hoped Derek was laughing with him, not at him, but the fear still crept up on him. Those insecurities never seemed to rest. However, after just a few seconds, Derek’s laughter ceased and his eyes filled with concern.

  
“Did I upset you?” He asked, voice dripping with concern. Spencer’s eyes widened a bit and he began to dramatically shake his head.

  
“No! No, I know you would never- No. Sorry. I’m being sensitive. I’m just-”, Spencer let out a deep breath, accompanied by an awkward chuckle, “I’m very nervous right now.”

  
Derek nodded thoughtfully at Spencer’s words. He reached forward with his hand to gently cup Spencer’s cheek, an action that Spencer found incredibly soothing. It was such a simple gesture, but it made Spencer melt inside.

  
“I understand.” Derek said kindly. He leaned in to punctuate the statement with a soft kiss to Spencer’s forehead, then sweetly nuzzled his nose before they pulled away from one another. When they met each other’s gazes once again, Spencer was practically beaming at Derek. He looked at Derek with such adoration and appreciation it was almost palpable in the air around them. Spencer was sure Derek felt it too, since he was blushing and smiling just as wide.

  
“So.. What would you like to do?” Spencer asked before pulling his lip between his teeth. It had just begun to dawn on him that this was really a date. It wasn’t just a first meeting, but an actual date-date. And Spencer definitely wasn’t good with date-dates. He knew that they weren’t going to go out to a fancy dinner, or see a movie, or have a picnic, or do anything otherwise public, which took some of the edge off, but at the same time, what the hell were they going to do? What were they even supposed to do? Was there protocol for meeting your long distance significant other for the first time? Spencer gulped. He definitely hadn’t read that article in the handbook.

  
“Well, maybe we could go up to your apartment?” Derek said, sounding just as nervous and hesitant as Spencer, “Now that, of course, I know you’re not a serial killer.” Derek added jokingly. Spencer snorted at that, then covered his mouth embarrassedly.

  
“Aw, now wasn’t that adorable!” Derek teased lightheartedly. Spencer tried to hide his grin with a fake pout, but to no avail.

  
“We can go up. If- If that’s what you’d like.” Spencer said hopefully, eyes now becoming focused on the ground as he shoved the dirt around with his foot. When he chanced a peek up at Derek, he found that he was smiling from ear to ear. It was as contagious as ever, and Spencer as well broke out into a toothy grin.

  
“I’d like that,” Derek said, “I’d really, really like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "A bridge of silver wings stretches from the dead ashes of an unforgiving nightmare  
> to the jeweled vision of a life started anew." -Aberjhani


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i'm sure everyones probably lost interest in this fic by now given the serious lull between updates, but i'm not one to abandon my work, so here it is. i honestly don't know when the next chapter will be, but it will be the last. i have several ideas for new fics as well, but don't know when those will be done, either. my life is very busy, but school ends may 26th and i just might have some actual free time then. thank you to the people who have stuck by this fic. i hope you enjoy this chapter that's been in the works for four months.

Spencer had never cared so much about the state of his apartment in his entire life up until the very moment he crossed the threshold with Derek not far behind. To say it was a wreck was an understatement. There were books everywhere, some left propped open to reveal highlighted passages, with others just lying around in every which way. Papers with messy handwriting and red marks were strewn everywhere as well, littering the floor and the desk near the dining area. Spencer had just collected the last of his students’ essays just days prior, so needless to say it was organized chaos at his desk.

It was quite embarrassing to let Derek see the type of mess Spencer lived in. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to have come up there, he thought. He feared that Derek would be turned off by seeing what life as an agoraphobe was really like. Upkeep of the apartment was hard. When you’ve grown to accustomed to living in your own filth and chaos, it seems unnatural to clean up. No one ever stopped by anyways, save for Emily and JJ, who usually tried to help Spencer tidy up. To be quite honest, sometimes Spencer even messed the place up on purpose, just because. He couldn’t explain it, but it was comforting.

Derek didn’t seem fazed, though. He still looked as giddy as he did when he first laid eyes on Spencer. It was obvious he was eager to be in Spencer’s home and couldn’t care less about the state it was in. He was simply honored he was invited into such a private, safe space for Spencer.

“Do you want something to drink? I’ve got, you know, water, obviously, and uh- alcohol and.. stuff.” Spencer said meekly. Derek seemed to think it was adorable, appreciative of the oh so generous hospitality.

“A glass of water is fine, hon.” Derek said softly with a dazzling smile. It took Spencer longer than he’d like to have admit to tear his eyes away from Derek’s lips. When he finally gathered himself, though, he gave Derek a jerky nod and slipped into the kitchen, leaving Derek to his own devices.

As he stood in front of the fridge, reality really began to sink in. He was really here, with Derek, fetching him a glass of water. Sure, they could’ve been doing something a lot more romantic, but it was an amazing first date regardless. Just being with Derek, being able to hold him, laugh with him, see his face light up when they looked at each other, was everything Spencer could’ve hoped for. Smiling to himself, Spencer shook his head and reached into the cabinet for a glass. He filled it to the brim, then traveled back into the living room. Immediately, though, he felt his stomach drop when he saw Derek holding one of Spencer’s framed photos, donning a strange look on his face.

“Uh,” Spencer cleared his throat, slightly startling Derek. Spencer winced when Derek almost dropped the photo, but sighed heavily in relief when Derek made a smooth recovery. He placed the photo back down on the hall table quickly before crossing his hands behind his back like a child about to be chastised.

“I was just.. Looking,” Derek offered weakly, then asked with a shy smile, “Is that her?”

Spencer nibbled on his bottom lip in thought for a moment before he nodded stiffly. He tried to keep his eyes on Derek, but his gaze ended up shifting towards the photo. He and Maeve had their faces smushed together, one of the rare times they were publically affectionate with one another. They were both slightly buzzed, celebrating Maeve’s 30th birthday. Had Spencer only known it would be her last.

“She’s really beautiful, kid.” Derek complemented earnestly, “You look so happy.”

Spencer’s head snapped back up and he looked to Derek with a sad smile. He placed the glass of water down on the table carefully, then reached out to touch Derek’s arm.

“I never thought I’d be that happy ever again - until I met you.” Spencer said softly. He gave Derek’s arm a gentle squeeze as he mirrored Derek’s teary smile.

“And this,” Derek said after clearing his throat, “this is your momma?” He pointed to another photo, one of his mother when she was much younger - and much healthier - holding Spencer as a toddler as he read a book that dwarfed him. He remembered the day that photo was taken clear as ever. His father had tried to get him to play ball outside, but he had hated the way the catcher’s mitt felt on his small hand. He remembered tossing it onto the ground in exchange for flapping his hands, which only rewarded him with a scolding from his father. Moments after, his mother had come out and to her son’s rescue. She took him inside and let him stim how he needed. When he pulled down a heavy book from the shelf and cracked it open, his mother smiled so wide, she had to have her husband take a picture with the camera he had ready to capture his son’s first catch.

“Yeah,” Spencer replied once he removed himself from his reverie, “People say we look alike, but I don’t see the resemblance.”

Derek laughed at that, then said jokingly, “Same. Probably because my mom is white.” Spencer snorted, then resisted the urge to cover his mouth, which seemed to make Derek smile.

“Would you like to go sit and maybe watch a movie or something?” Spencer suggested meekly.

Derek smirked, then answered coyly, “Netflix and chill?” Spencer cocked his head in confusion, but didn’t bother to ask Derek to extrapolate. He knew it was hopeless, anyways.

With a laugh, Derek linked arms with Spencer, balancing his glass in the other hand as they made the short trip to the couch. Spencer sat down on the far right end of the couch, and by the looks of it he was really hoping Derek wasn’t going to sit so close to him, but at the same time he definitely wanted him to. Derek seemed a bit upset by Spencer’s distance, but he smiled warmly and encouragingly at Spencer anyways. Bless his heart.

Spencer reached for the remote and clicked a couple of buttons, having to squint to see what they said; there was no way he was going to let Derek know he had to wear old guy glasses. It took him a few minutes, during which he heard Derek poorly try to conceal his laughter at Spencer’s futile attempts to get the volume button to work, but Spencer finally got a movie playing. It was one he had seen before, one that had been sitting in his DVR for a few weeks since he was too lazy to delete it. Derek didn’t seem to care about the movie choice, though, so on it went.

However, within twenty minutes, Spencer was already bored with the drama/mystery flick. He already knew the twists and turns the story made, and the factual errors had started to get one his nerves. He tried his hardest to keep his mouth shut, since nobody likes a Chatty Cathy, especially during a movie. Apparently, Derek didn’t agree.

“That’s so not how criminal profiling works,” he piped up suddenly as the detectives on the screen delivered a half-assed profile of their suspect, who they deemed a “delusional sociopath”. Yawn.

Spencer sighed in relief, saying, “Oh, God, I know. So terrible. Profiling is such a misunderstood police science.” Derek seemed to be amused by Spencer’s response, as indicated by his grin.

“You know a lot about profiling, kid?” he asked with a teasing voice.

Spencer narrowed his eyes at Derek for a second, then answered, “I mean, I’ve read a lot about the subject. I have every book, essay, and article written by John Douglas. You could, uh, call me a bit of a fanatic.” He blushed a bit, slightly embarrassed about the way he hyper fixated on special interests so often.

“Ever read anything by David Rossi?” Now Derek definitely seemed like he was playing some kind of game with Spencer. Still, Spencer answered honestly.

“Unfortunately, yes. I’m not a fan,” he replied. Judging by Derek’s slightly wide-eyed response, that definitely wasn’t the right answer; but, yet again, Spencer couldn’t keep his mouth shut. “I mean, he really is a pompous ass, at least that’s reflected in his writing. He’s so self-righteous, and he acts like he pioneered profiling.”

Derek started to laugh, shaking his head. “We never talked about what I do for a living, did we?”

Spencer cocked his head to the side, then replied, “No. I remember we joked about it February 6th, I believe. You work for the government, right? Something ‘top secret?’”

Derek was chewing on his lip, trying not to laugh once again. “I just so happen to work with ‘Supervisory Special Agent Pompous Ass’,” he said before cracking up.

Instantly, Spencer was mortified. Derek could obviously tell, too, since Spencer’s whole face went red. He seemed to think it was hilarious, but Spencer had never been more embarrassed in his life. He was just lucky Derek didn’t seem like he was offended by the fact that Spencer had totally trash talked one of his coworkers. Christ, what a small world.

“I-I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean that, he’s not pompous, just- pretentious? No, no, he’s- I’m sure he’s a great guy, it’s just that-” Once again, Spencer was reduced to a rambling mess.

“Kid, calm down,” Derek said with a chuckle as he placed his hand on Spencer’s shoulder, “Trust me, you haven’t said anything untrue.”

Spencer’s eyes widened slightly before he whispered, “Seriously?”

Derek just rolled his eyes, “I’m not gonna gossip, we’re too old for this.”

Spencer huffed and nodded in agreement. It was then that Spencer realized Derek still had his hand on Spencer’s shoulder. His grip was light and comforting, and the heat from his hand made Spencer feel safe. Derek seemed to notice Spencer staring dreamily with a giddy smile on his face, and he chuckled quietly. He slowly trailed his hand down Spencer’s arm, then back up again. Spencer turned his gaze back up to Derek, who was smiling just as widely. As Derek ran his hand gently down Spencer’s arm once again, he let his fingers brush against Spencer’s knuckles. Spencer shyly took initiative and took Derek’s hand in his not-so-subtly sweaty one. Derek didn’t mind one bit, though.

Suddenly, Spencer took charge leaned in closer to Derek to the point at which their faces were barely an inch apart. He gently bumped noses with Derek, which they both got a giggle out of. Soon, though, they both sobered up as they stared at one another with intent and purpose.

Spencer let out a shaky breath, but composed himself as best he could, despite his racing heart. As he stared unblinkingly at Derek’s lips, he croaked out, “May I kiss you?”

Spencer expected Derek to laugh at the excessively formal request, but instead he just nodded with intent. For once in his life, Spencer made the first move. He placed his hand on Derek’s neck and closed the distance between themselves.

It was more than just a meeting of lips or an exchange of affection between two individuals. This was something special, something unique. It was like every single message sent, every phone call, every smile shared with a screen, had come together to create this magical moment. Being able to experience something so cherishable set both Spencer’s and Derek’s hearts alight. They were both floating suddenly, clothed in warmth and swaddled in love. It wasn’t a kiss; it was coming home.

All his life Spencer had searched for something like this. He thought he had found it with Maeve, but this was a different kind of love. Something soft, something pure. Something beautiful. And he knew Derek felt no different, judging by the exuberance he exhibited as their mouths moved together. Spencer couldn’t imagine the type of pain Derek had been through in his life, but he could admire just how strong Derek remained throughout the trauma he endured - and admire he did.

Not only did Spencer love Derek wholeheartedly, but he respected him. He was proud of him. He knew of nobody else who could persevere like Derek could. There was nobody in the world with a spirit as strong as his. And the best thing about it? Spencer felt it rubbing off on him. That strength was being absorbed by him. Each day, each breath became easier and easier to take because of Derek. It only made their love that much stronger.

As the two pulled away from one another, Spencer searched for something, anything to say. A profound declaration of love, a heartfelt compliment, something straight from a romance novel.

Too bad life doesn’t work that way, and Spencer has the poetic justice of a caveman.

“Your pores look phenomenal,” is what instead came out of Spencer’s mouth as he stroked his thumb across Derek’s cheek where his pores did, in fact, look phenomenal. Definitely must’ve done one of those charcoal masks everyone on Instagram raves about.

Derek choked on his sudden laughter, leading to a coughing fit that only made everything that much funnier. Spencer was obviously embarrassed, but soon joined Derek as his own fit of giggles plagued him. It felt easy, laughing with Derek, even if it was at his own expense. Like everything else, it just felt right.

“I can’t with you, kid, I really can’t,” Derek said with a final chuckle. Spencer was blushing, but smiling nonetheless.

The rest of their day was quite uneventful, but was possibly one of the best days of both of their lives. They sat and watched movies, laughed, reminisced, and made out like high schoolers. All in all, it was a perfect day, one neither of them wanted to be over. Of course, all good things must come to an end eventually, and soon the two were saying their goodbyes.

“I don’t know when my next case is,” Derek began as Spencer walked him to the door, “but hopefully tomorrow is just a paperwork day, so maybe I could meet you for dinner or something after?” He inquired hopefully.

Spencer smiled and nodded, then said, “Of course. I can’t cook worth a damn, though, so we’ll have to either go out or you can cook for me - like a good housewife.”

Derek laughed at the joke Spencer cracked before he took on a more serious demeanor. He was still smiling, but his eyes were filled with intent. “I just wanted you to know I had an amazing time with you. You might not think it was all that much, but this was seriously one of the best dates I’ve ever been on.”

Spencer, of course, was blushing when he said, “Me as well. I really like you, Derek.”

“‘Like’?” Derek said playfully with a cocked eyebrow.

Spencer rolled his eyes, “Love. I- I love you.” He looked up at Derek as if he was seeking his approval. When a huge smile broke out on Derek’s face, Spencer leaned forward and gave Derek a chaste kiss on the lips.

“See you soon?” He asked. Derek nodded, but was clearly unsatisfied with the little playground peck Spencer had given him. He grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him close before kissing him much more passionately than before. He really, truly took Spencer’s breath away.

When they parted, they both giggled, smiling like fools at one another.

“Goodnight, Derek,” Spencer said.

“Night, kid.”

That night, Spencer fell asleep with a smile on his face.

* * *

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jesus fuck, it's finally here! im gonna be honest, i wrote all of this in three nights. little sleep was had. much frustration was present. but i did it! i know i said this would be the last chapter, but i dont feel comfortable ending it here just yet - so there's one more to come! yay! once again, thank you all for reading and sticking by this mess i call a fic. till next time!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind." William Shakespeare

Going a few days without seeing Derek was agonizing for Spencer, despite the fact that he had previously gone months without seeing him before. The difference was that before, he didn’t know just how good it felt to be in Derek’s presence. It was simply a fantasy then - but now it was a reality, and Spencer couldn’t get enough. So, to say he was heartbroken when Derek couldn’t make it for dinner the next day was an understatement. He wasn’t proud to admit that he had pouted the whole day. Derek had to fly out to Louisiana for a case involving arson. He spared Spencer the details, but it didn’t sound as gruesome as some of the others the BAU had taken on. Still, Derek was preoccupied in swamp town for a few days, and Spencer was as somber as ever.

He tried to do anything he could to pass the time, but every so often he found himself checking the clock, hoping that hours had flown by when really it had been just a few minutes. He was like an abandoned puppy, the way he was waiting by the phone, hoping it would ring. The longest Spencer and Derek had ever gone without talking had been a measly three days, but now the two were quickly approaching their fifth day. When day bled into night, Spencer had had enough. He had to do something or he was going to lose his mind.

He slipped on his shoes and decided to go for a stroll. Often times when he would walk he would lose himself in the sights and sounds of nature. He was hoping this time would be no different. With his phone stuffed in his pocket, just in case, Spencer took off.

He got about a foot away from his apartment door before he collided with a body in front of him. Almost as fast as it had happened, Spencer had fallen to the ground. As he reached back to cradle his now aching tailbone, he looked up at the person who had so effortlessly knocked his ass to the ground. Maybe he was disorientated from the way the back of his head had hit the wall on the way down, but he swore it was Derek standing before him - and right he was.

In a graceless movement, Spencer miserably attempted to spring to his feet. Instead, he somehow ended up on his back, with a bewildered and concerned, but also amused, face looking down at him. Derek offered him his hand, which Spencer gladly accepted. With ease, Derek hoisted Spencer back up to his feet, placing his arms on Spencer’s shoulders to steady him. After straightening his shirt and brushing the lint off of Spencer, Derek looked at his lover blankly, before bursting out laughing.

“Remind me to never try to surprise you ever again,” Derek said, still giggling. Spencer looked offended, but he got over it pretty quickly as his excitement overcame everything else.

“What are you doing here? You weren’t supposed to be back for a few days!” He exclaimed before throwing his arms around Derek. Derek replied with a light chuckle that reverberated throughout Spencer’s body, making him feel warm.

He gave Spencer a one-armed embrace and shrugged, saying, “Caught a break in the case. I’ll spare you the boring details. Good thing is, I’m here now.” He gave Spencer’s temple a kiss before he pulled away with a slight frown.

“Bad thing is, you trampled your other surprise.” Derek gestured to the pathetically crumpled up bouquet of flowers that lay slain on the hall floor. Spencer winced, then gave an apologetic smile.

“Sorry.” He said sheepishly.

“You owe me twelve dollars,” Derek said jokingly before he cleared his throat, “So, are you gonna invite me in or are we gonna rendezvous out here?”

Spencer’s eyes widened. “Oh, shit, yeah- yes, come in.”

He opened the door and stepped aside like a gentleman, allowing Derek to enter first. Derek laughed at that, but deep down inside it made him feel fuzzy - but he definitely wouldn’t admit that. They stepped inside, and in an act derived from what felt like instinct and intense déjà vu, Spencer went straight to the kitchen to fetch them both a drink. He figured this time around, something a little bit stronger than water was in order; Derek definitely deserved it after a stressful week. Though, Spencer supposed he was used to it.

When Spencer exited the kitchen, he was pleased to see that Derek had planted himself comfortably on the couch. With a small smile on his face, he plopped down right next to Derek, handing him the bottle of Corona in his right hand. Derek eyed him dubiously, but it was no doubt playful.

“Momma taught me never to accept a drink from a stranger,” he joked with a smirk. Spencer rolled his eyes and took back the beer, handing Derek the one in his left hand.

“Better?” He asked sarcastically. Derek laughed and raised the bottle before taking a sip. Spencer did the same, making a face after he swallowed.

“Now I remember why I rarely drink this stuff,” Spencer mumbled around the rim of the bottle as it rested on his lower lip. He expected at least a chuckle from Derek, but when he looked up, he found Derek was staring at his lips. It was then he realized just how suggestive the action looked. He blushed, feeling flushed with embarrassment, but he also felt a little giddy.

Derek found him sexy. Spencer knew that, obviously, but that heated stare was just confirmation. Spencer had never really wanted someone to think of him in a sexual manner. At least, not in the way he desired from Derek. He never really tried to appear sexy. He figured it was pointless, anyways. Without acting, Spencer was a solid 5, at best. But when he actually tried? Oh, God, he had the sex appeal of wet paint on a piece of cardboard. He was so painfully awkward that everyone within a five mile radius suffered instant second-hand embarrassment.

With Derek, though, Spencer didn’t have to try - at anything, really. He didn’t have to try to be charming, or funny, or sexy; Derek accepted him as is. And that in and of itself was the greatest confidence booster Spencer had ever come across. Being around Derek was easy. There was no pretending with him. Spencer could be open around Derek. When he was with him, Spencer felt free.

There was a part of him, though, that feared that feeling would diminish when they met in person. Online and through text, it was easier opening himself up. There was a touch of anonymity when speaking to someone through a screen. But in real life? Everything was out in the open. There was no place to hide, no safe space to retreat to when the conversation reached that level. It was part of the reason Spencer was such an introvert. It was terrifying, being so vulnerable in front of other people like that.

But Derek made it feel so natural. It came to Spencer like instinct. To reiterate for what feels like the millionth time, being with Derek just felt right.

“So,” Spencer said, breaking what was probably only an awkward silence for him, “how was the case?”

“One of the easier ones, I guess. No grieving mothers or traumatized victims. Just a lot of pissed off property owners,” Derek let out a sigh. “Let’s not talk about work. How was your week? Do anything fun?”

Spencer glared. “You know damn well I don’t leave this apartment.”

Derek frowned. “I know it’s tough, but you can’t stay cooped up in here like you used to. It’s not good for you,” he said gently. He reached over to touch Spencer’s hand comfortingly. Spencer grinned shyly at the contact and brushed his thumb over the outside of Derek’s hand; the little show of affection felt so special and intimate.

“I know. I just really missed you,” Spencer said quietly, “and I really couldn’t find anything better to do but wait around for you like a forlorn army wife.”

That got a laugh out of Derek. He replied, “Well, I’m here now - and I really missed you, too.”

There was a slight edge to Derek’s voice - something coy and suggestive hiding beneath innocent and innocuous words. Spencer could feel it, and Derek knew it. He grinned slyly, which made Spencer giggle. Spencer watched as Derek’s hand trailed up his arm, reminiscent of when they met just days ago. This time, however, there were no first kiss nerves. It felt like they had spent their whole lives doing this.

When Derek cupped Spencer’s face and the two locked lips, there was something different about the action - something much more heated. It didn’t take long before Derek’s innocent, sophomoric placement of his hand turned into something much more R-rated. His hand went from Spencer’s cheek, to his waist, to his upper thigh, and, finally, dangerously high up on the inside of Spencer’s leg, in a matter of seconds. The shock of it all made it feel like there were lightning bolts raging inside of Spencer. It had been so long since anyone had even touched him like that and it felt so, so good.

After that, the kiss became a total whirlwind. Spencer’s hands were placed on Derek’s back, where he gathered his shirt up in his fists. Derek was panting softly, and Spencer could feel him shiver every time their tongues touched. Things quickly became horizontal, with Spencer on top of Derek, looming over him.

Derek was no doubt uncomfortable in the position, his left leg and prosthetic extended awkwardly across the floor. He broke the kiss for a moment, looking up to see an utterly disheveled Spencer. It took him a moment to find his voice, and when he did, all he could manage to say was, “Bedroom?”

Spencer nodded eagerly, clambering off of Derek awkwardly, as per usual. He extended his hand out to Derek, who looked at him with a strange look on his face. He shook his head with such minuscule movement, it almost went undetected - almost. Derek got to his feet on his own, stumbling a bit. Spencer paid no mind to it - Lord knows his dismount off the couch was anything but graceful - but it looked like Derek seemed a little bit.. Embarrassed, almost.

It took the two of them all but five steps to get past the doorway into Spencer’s bedroom. It was surprisingly large for such a small apartment. He had his bed against the far left wall, next to the closet. Beside it were two bedside tables, stacked with, of course half a dozen books each, including the one Derek had gifted Spencer. Against the far right wall of the room was another, smaller desk, not dissimilar to the one outside. This one was kept a bit more neat than the other, if you could ever use the word “neat” to describe just about anything Spencer owned. There was a desk chair, of course, and another comfy chair in the corner next to quite a small bookshelf. It was definitely a cozy room; Derek could see why Spencer rarely wanted to leave it.

The two of them were much more interested in making their way to the bed than they were the little details of the room, though. When the back of Derek’s knee hit the edge of the bed, he placed his hand behind him to brace himself as he bent his right knee and plopped down on the bed, once again extending his prosthetic leg out. Spencer, taking advantage of their weight difference, climbed into Derek’s lap. It made him feel just a little bit naughty. After all, they were getting pretty hot and heavy for what was technically just a second date. But, hey, they had known each other much longer than just the few days it’d been since they technically “met”, anyways. If anything, this was long overdue.

The two picked right back up where they had left off on the couch. They continued to kiss and paw at each other, until things just started to feel a little.. Off. It felt to Spencer that Derek wasn’t as into it as he had been before. When he initiated the kiss, it seemed like he was so sure of himself. Now, it felt like he was holding back.

When Spencer pulled away, he could immediately tell that Derek was hoping Spencer would’ve just kept going - but what kind of boyfriend would he be if he continued, knowing Derek was uncomfortable? A shitty one, that’s for sure.

“What’s up?” Spencer asked tentatively. He stroked Derek’s face softly with the back of his hand, head cocked to the side as he awaited an answer. There wasn’t an ounce of frustration in him, and his face was kind and understanding.

Derek sighed, and, not one to beat around the bush, said, “If we’re going to have sex then I’m gonna have to take this thing off and part of me isn’t ready to let you see that.”

Spencer blinked, then suddenly felt very, very stupid. He was completely oblivious to the limitations of Derek’s disability in the heat of the moment. Obviously, tumbling around in the sheets with titanium alloy fitted on your leg isn’t going to be a fun time. Spencer felt like an asshole for not realizing sooner.

“Well,” he started, still feeling a bit embarrassed, “then we don’t have to have sex.”

Derek shook his head, then sighed in frustration. “That is absolutely not what I want, believe me, I just,” he looked down, then continued quietly, “You’ve already seen me at my most vulnerable. I told you everything about me. And you’ve accepted me, and loved me, and supported me, but seeing and hearing are two very different things. Most people in their lives, they haven’t really seen what a disability like this really looks like. It makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I’ve had guys who were totally ready to get into bed with me, then freak out at the last minute. I’m just scared that that’ll happen with you. And, to be honest… Part of me feels like less than a man. Like I won’t be able to satisfy you.”

As Derek was speaking, Spencer was becoming increasingly aware of their compromising position. He blushed profusely as he slid out of Derek’s lap with a murmured apology, but at least it made Derek laugh a little bit, even if it was a slightly melancholy sound.

Now seated next to Derek on the bed, Spencer took his partner’s hand. He looked at Derek lovingly and confessed, “You know, when I imagine us together, like.. this - intimate, I mean- I don’t envision you without your disability. I’m not one of those people who discredits the identity that comes along with a disability like this. Rather than seeing past it, I acknowledge that it’s an important aspect of your life and your identity. I don’t imagine you “whole”, or whatever it is you may think you should be in this situation. I think of you as you, just as you are in this moment, and I find you so incredibly sexy, with or without your prosthetic,” Spencer smiled up at Derek before he said coyly, “-and to be completely honest, if you can make me come with just a few texts, then I’m sure you’ll be able to more than satisfy me in person.”

Derek barked out a laugh, one of those hearty, genuine ones that Spencer loved hearing. When their eyes met, Derek was a bit tearful, but Spencer knew they were happy tears. Derek leaned into Spencer’s side, letting Spencer put his arm around him. Spencer held Derek tightly for a few moments, exchanging no words for the time being.

Derek broke the silence after a few short minutes. He said softly, “I don’t want you to watch, though.”

Spencer nodded in understanding. Without a word, he turned his back to Derek. He could hear the jingling of Derek’s belt, and it made Spencer feel giddy as he waited in anticipation. The two of them had waited such a long time for this moment. Their excitement was palpable in the air as it filled the room and surrounded them. Spencer could feel the mattress shifting under Derek’s weight as he shuffled up the bed. He listened as Derek lifted the covers and presumably pulled them over his body.

“Okay,” Derek said, “you can- you can look now.”

Spencer turned around to see Derek, shirtless, with his back propped up against the headboard. He had the blankets bunched up at his waist, so the rest of his lower body was concealed. After maybe staring just a little bit too long at Derek’s chest, Spencer looked up at his lover and smiled. The gesture was returned, but Derek’s face slowly fell.

“It, uh- it goes down to about right above the knee and then sorta.. Tapers off,” Derek said quietly.

“Hey,” Spencer said, placing his hand under Derek’s chin, “you know I think you’re beautiful, right?”

Derek looked up at him with a look in his eyes that made it seem like he had been aching for Spencer’s approval. Spencer ran his thumb along Derek’s bottom lip, absentmindedly staring at his mouth. The action made Derek shiver, which garnered a grin from Spencer. He removed his hand from Derek’s chin and brought it down to his bare shoulder, where the flesh was hot to the touch. Spencer leaned in slowly, and Derek met him halfway to initiate the kiss.

It started out slow, tentative. Spencer could tell Derek was still nervous. He knew Derek was afraid that Spencer still might change his mind about the whole thing. However, Spencer made it his mission to prove Derek wrong. The kiss became much deeper, and soon things had gotten pretty steamy. The two kissed like they were dying, trying desperately to become whole with the other. Hands flew everywhere, tugging on hair, pulling off clothing. It was all happening so fast, but simultaneously not fast enough at all.

When Spencer was finally out of his clothes, sans his underwear, he broke their kiss for a short while in favor of just staring at Derek lovingly. Derek looked both excited and uncomfortable at the same time. Excited, obviously, because of what they were about to do, but uncomfortable because he feared Spencer’s scrutiny - but Spencer was admiring, not judging. He basked in the beauty of Derek’s face - his kind eyes, with pupils the size of the moon, black as night; his slightly wide, flat nose; his perfectly pouty lips; the sharp lines of his jaw, and the curve of his neck as it joined into his clavicle. Spencer's gaze shifted to Derek’s beautifully sculpted chest, where his nipples were peaked. Spencer couldn’t help himself; he leaned in to press kisses all along Derek’s chest, which seemed to elicit quite an intense reaction from Derek. He moaned, a surprised, almost squeaky sound, when Spencer’s lips brushed across his nipples.

“Sensitive,” he mumbled, but by no means was he discouraging Spencer, whose tongue was now sliding over Derek’s nipple. He repeated the action on the other one because, hey, it was only fair, and it drove Derek absolutely wild.

Pretty soon, the two had lost all their inhibitions. There was little room for insecurities when you’re half naked and wrapped up in the heat of the moment, anyways. And contrary to popular belief, Spencer wasn’t all that shy when it came to sex. In the beginning, he was always nervous, always a little insecure in the way his body looked naked, in the light, under his partner’s gaze. But when things got going, really going, it was like a switch flipped inside Spencer. He became this confident, dominant man who loved giving pleasure to his partner more than anything - and he was incredibly excited to let Derek see that side of him.

Spencer slipped underneath the covers with Derek, and the two laid on their sides, picking up where they had left off before. Spencer took the lead, Derek gladly following along. Derek was notably pleasantly surprised to see Spencer taking charge. Spencer’s hand made its way beneath the covers, where it settled on Derek’s hip. As their kiss continued, Spencer’s hand slowly but surely inched down Derek’s backside, until it finally landed on Derek’s ass. When Spencer, ever so slightly, gave it a squeeze, Derek emitted another surprised, yet pleased noise. Spencer laughed quietly, and he could feel Derek smiling against his lips.

The whole thing just felt so easy. Neither of them felt the need to put on a show. They found no reason to feel ashamed, or let their insecurities control them. Sure, Derek was a little dubious about letting Spencer see him in his natural state, but at the same time he had already begun to place all his trust in Spencer. He was sure Spencer would never judge him for the way his body looked and what it was and was not able to do, and for that he was thankful. Spencer felt the same. There were little things about his body that had become such big problems in his mind. His lack of muscle - or fat, for that matter as well - his odd, pointy limbs, the mild acne on his back that, try as he might, he still wasn’t able to get rid of though he was well past his teen years; these were all things that Spencer wanted to keep hidden. But with Derek? Like everything else, things were much different. The two gave each other the confidence that the other needed, and that was a beautiful thing.

After a little while of more kissing and heavy petting, Spencer had ended up on top of Derek, who seemed incredibly delighted to feel the weight of his partner bearing down on him. Spencer kissed everywhere he could reach - Derek’s jaw, his neck, his chest, and soon he found himself sliding under the covers as his lips trailed down Derek’s stomach. Derek’s eyes went wide, but the anticipation on his face overcame the surprise. Spencer was just as excited, a wide grin plastered across his face.

When Derek looked down and saw Spencer settled between his thighs, he just about lost it. With his head thrown back, he relinquished his control over to Spencer, who, once again, gladly took the lead. Derek watched through hooded lids as Spencer slowly removed Derek’s boxers, discarding them at the foot of the bed along with all of their other clothes. Once that was settled, Spencer wasted no time getting his mouth on Derek, who was just as eager. As Spencer went to town on Derek, fully committed to the act, Derek gently gripped his hair with one hand, the other resting underneath his head.

Spencer was an expert with his mouth, or so Derek felt, anyhow. It was something that almost came natural to Spencer, and definitely something he enjoyed. With both men and women, giving oral sex had to be one of Spencer’s favorite things to do in the bedroom - and it was certainly showing with Derek. Spencer took him down almost entirely, and showed no sign of slowing down, either. His tongue was moving deftly along Derek’s cock, his head bobbing up and down like his life depended on it. He was driving Derek absolutely crazy, bringing him closer and closer to the edge with every flick of his tongue.

After just a few short minutes, Derek was gently tugging Spencer up by his hair. It was clear that as much as he enjoyed having Spencer’s mouth on him, he was much more eager to get to the main event, so to speak. Spencer, of course, was as well. He began to kiss Derek with fervor, noticing how Derek enjoyed the taste of himself on Spencer’s lips. It made Spencer shiver, and egged him on even further.

As the kiss continued, Spencer blindly reached over towards his bedside table. When his attempts to dig out the lubricant he kept in the drawer proved to be futile, he huffed and reluctantly broke the kiss. Derek pouted and began to protest, but once he saw what Spencer was doing, he shut his mouth real quick. A giddy smile spread across his face as he watched Spencer retrieve the bottle and throw it down on the bed.

“So, are you a condoms or a bareback kinda guy?” Derek asked with a smirk, making Spencer blush a bit at his bluntness.

“Usually whatever my partner prefers,” Spencer said, his hand pausing in the drawer as his fingers brushed against the box of condoms. “So, whatever you’d like, really.”

Without a word, Derek glanced up at Spencer with a devious look and went to push the drawer closed. Spencer chuckled quietly and shook his head at Derek, whose arms slowly wrapped around Spencer’s neck. Derek pulled Spencer back down on top of him, pressing one last kiss to his lips before he allowed Spencer to pull away and reach for the bottle. When his fingers touched the plastic, he paused.

“You still wanna do this?” Spencer asked tentatively. Derek balked.

“Of course I do,” Derek said with conviction.

With a nod, Spencer replied, “I just want to make sure I have your complete, unwavering consent in the matter. And, of course, if at any time you change your mind, we can always stop.”

Derek rolled his eyes, but Spencer could see his words truly meant something to Derek.

“I know. Thank you,” Derek said, before adding, “but if you don’t get over here and fuck me within the next five minutes I swear to God I’m going to die.” Derek punctuated his comment with a firm kiss.

Spencer snorted and shook his head, murmuring against Derek’s lips, “You are so dramatic.”

Spencer made quite the ordeal of stretching Derek with careful, gentle movements. He fingered him so precisely, Derek wasn’t sure if he was a person or a half-finished ship in a bottle at that point. Once Spencer had added a third finger for good measure - though at that point he was just flattering himself - Derek threw his head back in frustration.

“Come on already,” he grumbled, though his tone of voice changed suddenly when Spencer expertly stroked his prostate, making Derek gasp as he practically saw stars.

Once Spencer removed his fingers from Derek, he sat back on his haunches, settled between Derek’s legs. Derek looked at Spencer like he was about to kill him, so desperate and aroused that it made Spencer gulp.

“What position are you most comfortable in?” Spencer inquired.

“As much as I’d love to climb in your lap and ride the shit out of you right now,” Derek said, his bluntness once again making Spencer blush, “it’s most comfortable and easiest on my leg to be on my back.”

Spencer nodded, expecting that answer. As he settled between Derek’s thighs, he rested his hands on both of Derek’s legs. When his hand began to travel down the left one, he paused. He chanced a glance at Derek who, apprehensively, gave Spencer a nod. Spencer nibbled on his lip as his hand brushed over the end of the scarred limb. Just as Derek said, it ended right above the knee, with a jagged, horizontal surgical scar at the bottom. It was bumpy, no doubt from the graft taken after the amputation. Spencer brushed his thumb across one of the scars, then looked back up to Derek.

“I love you,” he said, an easy smile on his lips. Derek smiled even wider, and Spencer could see a few tears forming in Derek’s eyes.

“I love you, too,” Derek replied, reaching forward to cup Spencer’s face. The two shared the intimate touch for a few seconds before Derek cleared his throat and said, “Now, for the love of God, get in me already.”

They both laughed at that, Spencer scrunching up his nose at the crude demand. Nonetheless, he got himself re-situated between Derek’s thighs, and once again grabbed the bottle of lubricant. He maintained unwavering eye contact with Derek as he coated himself with lube, making a show out of the action. When he tossed the lube aside, he used one hand to hike Derek’s right leg up onto his hip, and the other to grip the base of his cock. He looked down for a moment to line himself up and, agonizingly slowly, pushed inside of Derek.

The moment their bodies connected, both Spencer and Derek felt an incomparable sense of euphoria. Of the few dozen times the two of them had ever experienced sex, this time around was much more intimate, much more connective - in more ways than one. It was such a special expression of their love for one another that nothing else could simply compare. In an instant, the two became one. There was no beginning to one, or end to the other; they were a whole.

Once Spencer bottomed out, the two made love wordlessly. The only sounds that filled the room were ones of pleasure, soft moans, deep groans, skin slapping against skin. Every so often Derek and Spencer would bump noses, or their teeth would clash, or someone’s body made some unpleasant sound, and they would both giggle easily. There was something truly beautiful about being able to laugh with one’s partner during such an intimate experience. It was very reflective of who they were; Derek taught Spencer how to stop taking things so seriously, and Spencer taught Derek how to trust in another person wholly.

Neither of them could stop smiling the enter time. Even when their faces were twisted in pleasure, their blissful grins never left. Every so often, Spencer would open his eyes and stare down at Derek as he moved inside of him, just gazing at the man lovingly. Derek caught him in the act, and he looked back at Spencer with the same amount of adoration on his own face. As Spencer thrusted into Derek with long, tantalizing stroked, he leaned down to press their foreheads together, where their eyes locked with one another.

They both were panting slightly, their breaths both ghosting over the other’s lips. Each time Spencer angled his hips just right so he could brush against that sweet spot inside of Derek that made his toes curl and his back arch, Derek groaned and attempted to muffle the sound by pulling Spencer down into a fervent kiss. Spencer could tell Derek was close to the edge, and Spencer himself wasn’t too far behind. Trying desperately to get him to go deeper, Derek pressed his heel hard into Spencer’s back, while his arms were wrapped around Spencer’s torso. Their bodies were flushed together, with little room between them, and Derek used that to his advantage. With every thrust, Derek rocked his hips up so that his cock rubbed against Spencer’s soft stomach. Pretty soon, the two had worked up a fast paced, yet steady, rhythm that had Derek writhing beneath Spencer, begging for more.  

“Are you close, Derek?” Spencer asked, slightly out of breath, though it just made his voice sound huskier. He punctuated his question by snapping his hips forward, earning a surprised, choked moan from Derek. Derek nodded his head frantically, still rutting against Spencer like his life depended on it.

“So am I,” Spencer said. He craned his neck slightly to trail kisses along Derek’s neck. When his lips reached Derek’s ear, he whispered, “I’ve got you, just let go.”

With that, Spencer slipped his hand between their bodies, his thrusts never faltering, and he began to stroke Derek in synchronization with his movements. Both quickly approaching their climax, Derek and Spencer began to move with desperation, only one goal in mind.

With one final thrust, Derek peaked first. His lips were parted, his back arched, as he came, and Spencer had never seen such a beautiful sight. Still chasing his own release, Spencer leaned down to claim Derek’s mouth in a searing kiss. It only took just a few more strokes before a dam broke within Spencer. He was shouting whatever obscene things came to mind, not even sure if he was even making sentences, or if he was just stringing words together in an incoherent mess. It didn’t matter, though. In an instant, Spencer was coming inside of Derek, and he had to bury his face in Derek’s neck to muffle the sounds he was making; suffice to say, his neighbors would definitely not be happy to see him the next morning.

After Spencer reluctantly pulled out, the two of them laid there for a while in silence, the only sound that of their heavy breathing. Then, suddenly, Derek started laughing. There wasn’t anything apparent that was particularly funny, but nonetheless, he soon erupted into a fit of giggles. Spencer, not even questioning it, joined along with him. It took a few moments for them to regain their composure, but when they did, Derek was looking up at Spencer and shaking his head.

“You have a mouth that would put Marla Singer to shame, you know that?” Derek said with a weak chuckle.

Spencer cocked his head to the side and, not so surprisingly, asked, “Who?”

“Really? You’ve never seen Fight Club?” Derek asked incredulously, to which Spencer replied with a shake of the head. Derek laughed, before quoting in his best Helena Bonham Carter voice, “‘I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school.’”

Spencer’s eyes widened and he hit Derek in the shoulder, exclaiming, “That’s terrible!”

Derek only laughed in response before he looked down and scrunched his face up. “Mind getting me a towel or something? I’ve still got your kids inside me.”

Spencer gagged and said, “You are so fucking disgusting.” Nevertheless, Spencer clambered to his feet, his legs a lot wobblier than he expected. He stumbled across the hall into the bathroom, where he grabbed a washcloth and ran the hot water. As he was waiting for it to warm up, he took a glance in the mirror, and his reflection made him gasp. His hair was a total wreck, pieces sticking up in the back, while a few strands were stuck to his sweaty forehead. His neck and shoulders were covered with marks of varying shades of pink and red. The sight of himself made him blush, but he also felt a little proud.

After he wet the washcloth, Spencer rung it out and grabbed a dry one as well. He padded across the hall until he reached the bedroom, where he found Derek laying on his back, gazing up at Spencer’s ceiling. The creaking of the door as it closed behind Spencer brought Derek out of his daydream, and he smiled warmly at Spencer. Spencer handed Derek the dry washcloth to place underneath himself in case of any, erm, “leaks”, so the speak, before Spencer wiped off Derek’s stomach with the wet one. It was a little gross, but Spencer simply tossed the cloth aside, too lazy to walk the six feet it took to put it in the sink. He would much rather climb back into bed with Derek - so he did just that.

They laid in bed awake for quite some time. They exchanged no words for the time being, instead opting to just hold one another as the moonlight filtered in through Spencer’s blinds. The entire experience was just so tranquil and serene, neither one of them ever wanted it to end.

After what was nearly an hour of comfortable silence, Derek spoke in a soft whisper, “I really, really love you, kid.”

Spencer looked down, where Derek’s head lay on his chest. He smiled adoringly at Derek, his hand rubbing soothing circles on Derek’s back as he replied, “And I really, really love you.”

The way Derek beamed up at Spencer in response to his words made Spencer’s heart melt. He had never seen another person look so happy to just simply be in his presence.

 

And that night, Spencer had never been happier to fall asleep next to someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Then love knew it was called love / And when I lifted my eyes to your name, suddenly your heart showed me my way.” Pablo Neruda


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer and Derek celebrate their one-year anniversary, but things don't go quite as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so amazed by, and a little upset with myself about, the fact that it has taken me over a year to finish this fic! i know that anyone who had been holding out hope for this final update has probably since abandoned it, but if you are reading this, just know i appreciate the support so much!   
> this chapter is the bitter-sweet end to one of my most favorite pieces of writing ever. i put a lot into this single chapter. comprised over five months, i am so relieved to have finally finished it, but am also a little saddened. however, i have many more ideas stirring around in my head that i have been itching to finally write, which you will all soon see. however, for now, let's just enjoy this final chapter!

Breakfast in bed, ornate bouquets of flowers, and extravagant gifts were exclusive only to silly romance movies - or were they? The morning of Spencer and Derek’s one year anniversary, Spencer decided to go all out. In a move that was incredibly uncharacteristic, Spencer planned this whole thing down to the type of plates he wanted to use for Derek’s toast. What could he say? He was an idiot in love. 

So much had been packed into that short year. The two had experienced so much growth, and had each other to thank for it. Spencer had learned a lot about himself throughout his relationship with Derek. He had discovered he was a lot stronger and much more resilient than he realized - and with Derek by his side, he felt as though he could do anything. So, it was only fair that he make the man some eggs. 

After Spencer added the finishing touches to Derek’s breakfast platter, which included sprinkling some powdered sugar onto his French toast and arranging strawberries in the form of a smiley face to pay homage to a photoset he saw on Pinterest, he carried the tray into the bedroom as quiet as he could be. It took everything he had not to stumble over his own two feet in regular Spencer-like clumsiness. Derek was still fast asleep when Spencer entered the room, which made Spencer smile. If that tray didn’t weigh a million pounds, Spencer surely would have stood in the doorway for hours just watching Derek sleep peacefully - in a totally adoring, not creepy way. 

Spencer carefully approached the bed, and let out a sigh of relief when he placed the tray down on the bed without dropping a single thing. He admired Derek’s sleeping form for a few seconds before he reached forward and gently shook Derek awake. It took a few tries, but soon Derek was stirring, his eyes fluttering open. He blinked a few times, trying to collect himself, before he smiled up at Spencer. 

“Happy ‘versary,” he mumbled groggily before turning over onto his side. Spencer winced as he saw the mattress dip under Derek’s weight, shifting the tray. When Derek’s hand brushed against the tray, he paused, then, as realization dawned on him, his smile widened. 

“You really made me breakfast?” He said, almost giddily. Spencer nodded as he wrung his hands behind his back nervously, unreasonably anxious. 

“It- it’s nothing special, really. I just wanted to do something nice for you,” he said. “You’re always doing these little romantic things for me, so I figured I’d return the favor. Though, I’m not the world’s greatest chef, as I’ve mentioned, so I’m not sure how good everything is going to taste.” Spencer gulped, thinking about all the cooking horrors he had caused in the past. Just last week, he almost attempted to put out a grease fire with water. That doctoral degree in chemistry really paid off, apparently. 

Derek shook his head, then said, “It’s perfect, thank you.” He reached for Spencer’s hand, intertwining their fingers. 

“I love you,” Spencer said softly. 

Derek grinned and replied, “I love you, too. Now, why don’t you get down here, because I’m not gonna finish this all by myself.” 

Spencer nodded his agreement with a grin before he climbed back into bed beside Derek. He had a hard time deciding just exactly where to start, but Derek didn’t seem to be having that problem; he was scarfing things down left and right. It definitely didn’t seem like he needed Spencer’s help all that much after all. 

They ate together in silence, save for a few giggles here and there following the odd belch. After swallowing around a mouthful if French toast, Spencer spoke up.

“We should start getting ready,” he said, rubbing his hands together. Derek looked at him peculiarly, head cocked to the side.

“For what?” He asked slowly, seemingly suspicious of Spencer’s innocent request. 

Spencer rolled his eyes before he stood up and stretched with a dramatic yawn. He grinned devilishly as he said cryptically, “It’s a surprise. Do you want first shower?” He jerked his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the en suite bathroom. 

Derek smirked, “How about we shower together? You know, save water. Better for the environment.” 

Spencer glared pointedly and responded, “Yes, because environmental conservation is the only motive you have right now.” 

Derek shrugged innocently with a playful smile, then maneuvered himself into a sitting position where his right leg was hanging off of the bed. He was careful to not tip over the syrup in the process, definitely not wanting to spend his anniversary washing sticky sheets. Spencer offered his hand, which Derek graciously accepted. He used it to hoist himself onto his foot, then quickly wrapped his arm around Spencer’s shoulder as Spencer gripped his waist tightly. Spencer helped him hobble the few feet to the bathroom, where they untangled themselves from one another. Derek eased himself down onto the built-in seat in the shower, cringing when he heard a quiet “pop”. 

“Back?” Spencer asked.

Derek shook his head. “Knee,” he grumbled under his breath, “God, I’m getting old.” 

Spencer laughed, which earned him a glare from Derek.

“This is your fault, you know,” Derek retorted, “You’re making me soft. I used to do all this shit myself. Now, I let you do it for me.”

“You’re welcome?” Spencer said warily. Derek scoffed, but cracked a little smile to let Spencer know he was joking. 

After undressing one another, the two took a quick shower; though, that’s not to say Derek didn’t try anything. Perhaps against his better judgement, Spencer denied Derek’s advances, too focused on getting ready in time for the little adventure he had planned. He still hadn’t revealed a thing to Derek about what was in store for the day, which was honestly quite impressive. 

Spencer was terrible at keeping secrets. Really, it was amazing that anyone trusted him with any sort of valuable information. However, this was something that was very important to him. He had been planning it for quite some time now, and a lot of effort had went into it - as well as quite a bit of money, but Derek didn’t need to know about that part. So, if Spencer could just keep his mouth shut for a few hours, things would go perfectly. 

Except that Derek Morgan was really fucking persistent. The entire time the two were getting ready, Derek bombarded Spencer with questions that grew more and more outrageous with the minute. 

“Are we going sight-seeing? Bar hopping? Grave robbing? If we’re going to rob some graves, just let me make sure I have my blade leg on, just in case we have to run from some cops,” Derek said as he watched Spencer do his tie, purposefully trying to be ridiculous in order to get Spencer to crack. 

“We are not stealing dead bodies,” Spencer replied, surprisingly more annoyed than horrified. He adjusted his tie in the mirror then sighed heavily before he turned to face Derek. 

“Look, will you please stop asking? I want this to be a surprise,” he pleaded. 

Derek directed his gaze up towards Spencer looking a bit guilty. “Okay, I’m sorry,” he said with a small frown, “I just get antsy about this kind of thing. I guess I’m just trying to be funny to distract you from how nervous I am.”

Spencer mirrored Derek’s frown. He turned away from the mirror to face Derek, taking his hands in his. He asked, “Why are you nervous?”

Derek chewed on the inside of his cheek, avoiding Spencer’s heavy, penetrating gaze. “It’s just that this is quickly becoming the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, and we’re starting to exit the honeymoon phase. I’m worried things are going to change.” 

To Derek’s surprise, Spencer let out a quiet chuckle. When Derek narrowed his eyes at Spencer, Spencer said, “Derek, obviously things are going to change. We’re becoming more and more comfortable with one another. We’re letting our guards down, once and for all - but that’s not a bad thing. Change isn’t a bad thing, it’s an indicator of growth. And I don’t know about you, but I look forward to growing with you.” 

“Why do you always know what to say to make me smile?” Derek replied, and, sure enough, he had a wide smile on his face. Spencer mirrored the expression, then leaned in to press a soft kiss to Derek’s lips.

Derek managed to keep his mouth shut for the remainder of their time spent getting dressed, but once they were in the car, it was game over. His never-ending line of questioning started up again, however this time Spencer ignored him with ease. There was no way he was going to spoil such a well-thought of surprise. 

By the time Spencer was ready to pull his hair out, they finally had reached their destination - which only acted as fodder for Derek’s confusion.

“Where in the hell are we?” Derek asked, looking outside of the car windows, utterly bewildered, and rightfully so. They were basically in the middle of nowhere. For the past five miles, there had been nothing but open road and vast fields. Now, Spencer and Derek were parked on the side of a dirt road. Surrounding them were a few barn-like buildings, engulfed by many lush trees and high shrubbery. None of this surprised Spencer, however, as he had already visited the site once before. Though, he could say that the first time he made the trip he truly believed it was a dump-site for the bodies of unfortunate wanderers, so Derek’s skepticism wasn’t so far-fetched. 

As he scanned the area before him, Derek squinted his eyes at something in the distance. Although it was quite far away and appeared as a mere dot, Derek could tell that it was quite colorful, which was a juxtaposition to the bleak colors around him. Instead of providing any answers, this sight only left Derek more confused. 

“What is that thing?” Derek said, though it seemed as though he was asking himself the question and not really seeking an answer from Spencer. However, not being able to contain his excitement any longer, Spencer felt as though it was finally time for the big reveal. 

“I suppose I should tell you what we’re doing here,” he began, chuckling a bit when Derek scoffed at him. Before Spencer could finish his statement, though, both he and Derek spotted a figure coming towards them. Derek law enforcement instincts seemed to kick in, as his posture stiffened and he protectively moved in front of Spencer. Spencer reassuringly placed his hand on Derek’s back, but before he could explain the situation, the man approaching them spoke. 

“You the fellas I’m taking up today?” He asked preemptively. Derek narrowed his eyes at the man warily, while Spencer simply nodded and smiled. Derek turned to Spencer, his arms now crossed. He looked a little aggravated, which made Spencer frown. 

“Surprise?” Spencer offered. His feeble explanation made Derek chuckle and shake his head. Spencer quickly realized more information was necessary when Derek cocked an eyebrow at him expectantly.

“Oh. Right,” Spencer began, “We’re going in a hot air balloon.” 

Derek’s features instantly softened and a smile overcame his face. With a childlike sense of wonder, Derek turned to Spencer and asked, “Really?” 

“Really,” Spencer replied, but Derek didn’t seem convinced. 

“I mean, seriously? For real?” 

“Seriously, for real, definitely, absolutely, positively, any other adjective and/or adverb indicating the reality of the situation, yes; we’re going in a hot air balloon,” Spencer clarified precisely. 

Derek’s smile grew impossibly wide, his eyes becoming a tad bit misty. A few months ago, Derek had revealed to Spencer that as a young child, he was always fascinated with flight. Before ultimately deciding to pursue a career in law enforcement following the death of his father, Derek wanted to be a pilot. He recalled feeling immense joy whenever he spent time in the air; he loved climbing to the top of the jungle gym, or standing on top of tables, or riding to the very top of the ferris wheel at the fair. Unfortunately, something he never got to experience was being inside a hot air balloon. However, that was all about to change. 

Derek was absolutely ecstatic, to the point where he was nearly vibrating. Spencer was just as excited, as he had spent months planning this day; he had hoped and prayed he picked the perfect gift for Derek, and it was abundantly clear now that he had. Though, he was a little worried he’d set himself up to fail, because, really, what could top this? He’d have to get even more creative with his thinking if he wanted to come up with a new “perfect” gift each anniversary. By the time they were 50, Spencer better had figured out how to grow genuine human legs in a laboratory or else they were headed for divorce. 

The man beckoned the two with a gesture, heading off in the direction of that not-so-mysterious-anymore colorful object in the distance. Spencer and Derek followed suit, Derek picking up the pace more so than Spencer. To Derek, it seemed like they were walking for ages, when in fact it had taken them less than five minutes to finally approach the balloon. Once they had reached it, though, Derek stopped in his tracks. It appeared as though he was simply taking in the sight, marveling at the beauty of it. There was something innately fascinating to Derek about an object that could defy gravity in such a way; it made him feel limitless. 

After they had boarded and shortly thereafter began their ascent into the air, Derek was like a kid in a candy store. He stared with that same childlike wonder at the sights around him, all the while the balloon gained more and more altitude. Soon, they were higher in the air than Spencer would have personally liked, but he knew he could stifle the feelings of apprehension in order to preserve Derek’s enthrallment with the whole thing. After allowing Derek a little while to simply enjoy the scenery,though, Spencer began to do what Spencer does best - babble. 

“The hot air balloon is regarded as the first successful form of flight technology capable of carrying human beings,” he started, “Although unmanned hot air balloons date back to the Three Kingdoms Era, the first untethered, manned flight, which lasted a full ten minutes, occurred in France on December 21st, 1783.” 

“ _ November _ 21st,” Derek replied offhandedly, still staring at the lush scenery in amazement. 

Spencer balked. “Excuse me?”

Derek couldn’t help the smug look that appeared on his face. He turned around to look at Spencer and further corrected, “The first untethered, manned hot air balloon flight occurred in Paris on _November_ 21st, 1783.” 

It was almost painful for Derek, trying to suppress the chuckle that came over him when he saw Spencer’s flabbergasted face. 

“No, it was-,” Spencer began, then stopped abruptly. “Oh, my God.” 

He appeared utterly horrified, while Derek could no longer keep his laughter contained. In response to Spencer’s disbelief, he replied, “Have we finally found something I know more about than you?”

Spencer glared indignantly, but his features softened when Derek draped his arm around his waist. Derek then rested his head on Spencer’s shoulder, Spencer pressing his temple to Derek’s. In silence, the two basked in the tranquility that washed over them as they absorbed the beautiful scenery and visceral sensations, sounds, and smells. For the duration of the flight, conversation was kept to a minimum, the two simply sharing endearing looks and smiles, along with a few sarcastic jabs and one chaste kiss. When they finally reached the landing site, the two unboarded, albeit disheartenedly, and were escorted back to the car. 

The ride back into town was filled with excited chatter from Derek, who recounted every detail of the flight as if Spencer wasn’t literally standing right next to him the entire time. There was no way Spencer couldn’t smile, though; the way Derek spoke of the experience, like a young child describing every minute detail of his favorite movie, was quite adorable. 

However, once the two were about five miles outside of town, Derek’s rambling began to distort in Spencer’s ears. Eyes fixated on the road before him, his vision was unfocused and blurry, as if he was underwater. As he looked down, he realized his hands had begun to shake, his knuckles whitening as he gripped the wheel. His mouth felt suddenly dry, and when he tried to swallow, it felt like there was a lump in his throat the size of a softball. Knowing all too well these feelings, Spencer began to feel even more anxious, the very idea of having a panic attack while driving on a road in the middle of nowhere skyrocketing the fear he was already harboring. 

Spencer noticed that Derek’s voice seemed to be getting louder, but the words became lost the second they entered Spencer’s mind. Finally, Spencer could make out the words Derek’s concerned voice was shouting at him. 

“What’s happening? Are you okay? Do you need to pull over?” Question after question bombarded Spencer, who had no idea how to answer. Although he was consumed with panic, the logical part of his mind whispered meekly as it was crushed by sheer terror to Spencer, insisting there was no way he could safely drive in this state. 

Listening to that little voice, Spencer abruptly pulled to the side of the road, his trembling hands putting the car in park. At this point, he had begun to hyperventilate, and there was simply no way he could find his voice to explain to Derek what was happening.

Derek knew what a panic attack was. He had had them himself many times, and on a few occasions, he had seen Spencer have them as well - but this was much different. Never had Derek seen Spencer this frightened, and he was at a loss for what to do. He was fearful that the things he believed would help would only hinder and end up causing Spencer more panic. So, he sat there, helplessly, watching Spencer shake as he struggled to even get a breath in. 

Spencer finally found the strength to speak, pleading, “Home. I have to get home, please, just- just get us home, please.” 

Without further prompting, Derek exited the car and re-entered on the driver’s side after Spencer had climbed into the passenger seat, where he had curled into a ball. Careful not to unnecessarily touch him, Derek fastened Spencer’s seatbelt for him and took off driving without a word. He managed to get them back home in record time. The moment he pulled into the driveway, Spencer took off sprinting into the house, immediately heading into the spare room he had designated as his study. Derek followed suit, but allowed Spencer his privacy. He remained close, though, pulling one of the dining room chairs over to sit next to the door of the study. 

Eventually, after his body had exhausted all its efforts to activate Spencer’s fight-or-flight response, the attack finally began to subside. He looked absolutely wrecked, wearing a face completely void of anything but exhaustion. Derek knew from experience the end phase of Spencer’s panic attacks or meltdowns could go one of two ways; he would either become intensely irritable, hostile, and aversive to any form of physical contact or social interaction, or he would shut down completely. During a shut-down, Spencer would remain completely non-verbal, his bodily movements stiff and robotic as if he was running on autopilot. Though this had happened less frequently, it was the most concerning to Derek, because during it, Spencer looked completely empty. However, Derek knew that this kind of thing was very typical not just with people who are agoraphobic, but also people with autism. The only thing he could do was simply wait it out. 

After what felt like decades for the both of them, Spencer, knowing fully well Derek wasn’t any less than ten feet away, pushed open the door to the study without a word. Had he had the energy, he would’ve laughed when he heard Derek’s chair slide across the floor and crash into the hall table as Derek jumped to his feet. Derek entered the study cautiously, finding Spencer sitting on the floor with his cheek pressed against the wall. Against his better judgement, knowing fully well his prosthesis would give him a hard time, Derek attempted to sit down next to Spencer. It was a rather arduous process, but he managed to get there. 

“It’s cool,” Spencer said, his voice flat. Derek tilted his head at the peculiar statement, eyes slightly narrowed.

“The wall,” Spencer clarified, “feels cool. The floor, too.” 

Derek knew exactly what Spencer was doing - grounding techniques. He himself had frequently practiced them whenever his PTSD had caused flashbacks. Using the space around him, Spencer was able to single out and identify different sensations that brought him back to, or grounded him in, the present. Spencer pressed his face further into the wall, mushing his cheek against his nose. He remained in that awkward-looking position for quite some time, until he sighed heavily and faced forward. 

“I ruined this day,” Spencer stated. 

Derek shook his head, wanting to reassure Spencer, but he was cut off. 

“I thought I could handle it,” he began, “I really, really did. We were up there, and it was so amazing, I felt so many things, so many emotions, so many physical sensations. It was so intense - but then we landed. We landed and suddenly all that was left were these.. whispers of things that once were. All that sensory information around me just.. collapsed and left me in the ruins.” 

Derek reached out, with caution, to gently place his hand atop of Spencer’s. When Spencer didn’t flinch away, Derek let out a breath he didn’t know he was even holding. 

“You didn’t ruin anything,” Derek insisted, even though Spencer scoffed in response. “You gave me a wonderful memory I’ll never forget - and then you gave me something even better.”

Spencer finally turned to face Derek, whom he looked at incredulously. Derrek clarified, “Your trust; you gave me your trust. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable around me. You allowed yourself to feel the things I know you shove down to preserve my own happiness, and you handed the reins over to me for once. You told me earlier today, that we were learning how to let our guards down with each other - and today you did just that. I couldn’t be more proud of you for doing that, Spencer.” 

Spencer had begun to get a bit teary-eyed, but instead of wiping away his tears, he simply let them flow. Wordlessly, he maneuvered his body so that he was laying on his side with his head in Derek’s lap. Derek began to mindlessly play with Spencer’s hair, an action that, regardless of the situation, always made Spencer feel better. 

After a few moments of silence passed, Spencer whispered, “I love you - very much so.” 

Derek smiled an easy smile, and simply replied, “Me too.” 

Though it wasn’t an anniversary straight from a romance novel, it was still one to remember. It was real. It was raw. It was emotional. It was the defining event that strengthened a bond neither of them knew could ever be so unbreakable - and that was something for the books. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility.” - Paulo Coelho


End file.
